Telling Her: Advice and Guidance for Telling her about my cam addicition

@AnonymousAnnaXOXO has a sample disclosure letter. Maybe that would help?

That is awesome that you are going to tell her and be honest.

 

Have you discussed with your therapist how best approach the subject with your girlfriend? He/she may have some good ideas....

I think you should tell her in person, face to face, if possible. Even if you only briefly describe the problem and then explain you've written a disclosure letter with more in-depth detail of problem and how you feel. I think breaking the ice in person would be better received by her and more heartfelt if you know what I mean.

I applaud you for wanting to be honest with her. This is something I have never got from my partner and it has caused so many more problems on top of the addiction itself. Best of Luck.

 

Yeah it's pretty hard to soften the blow. Maybe something along the lines of......

There is something quite serious that I need to talk to you about. I know that you are going to find it extremely difficult to take and it's equally difficult for me to talk about but I think it's important that I be honest with you, because our relationship means a lot to me and I love or care for you very much. I am afraid this is going to destroy everything between us but I feel I have to be honest with you about it.....and then....I have an addiction. It's a type of sexual addiction. It started out as an addiction to masturbation many years ago but has escalated in the last 12-18 months to using online webcams....I know this is most likely very shocking and extremely hurtful to you but I do recognise it's a huge problem and I feel terrible and so guilty about it. I am trying to deal with it in therapy and intend on doing everything in my power to deal with and overcome it. I am so sorry that I have done this to you and for how this will no doubt affect you and our relationship....

That's what I'd say. Depending on her reaction, you may not get all that out in one hit. You may need to pause....and try and comfort her and then keep going.....I'm a fairly direct person so maybe some might think that's still a bit to direct - I'm not sure....or it may even be a bit lengthy but you want to come across right.

....and then also go on to explain it was never your intention to hurt her and it is in no way caused by her or anything that she has done or hasn't done and that your addiction to masturbation existed long before your relationship with her....and then hear her out and try and comfort her....or you may need to give her space and let her come to terms with it....all depending on her reaction

 

I dont have any advice but just wanted to say the advice you've already been given here is great. My ex/father of my child was a PA and its the secrecy, lies, defending the addiction, gaslighting, refusing to talk about it, leaving me in the dark, trust issues etc that were the most traumatic. Once this is all out, if she is willing to stay with you, please be there for her through her hurt. Hopefully you can get through this together openly and honestly. And like @GhostWriter said, she will be able to make an informed decision about what she can or can't deal with, and that is so, so important. Just giving her that choice is commendable. Women are empathetic and nurturing and if you can not abuse that with lies and secrecy going forward and truly allow yourself to be open and vunerable, you will be surprised how much easier your recovery can be as a team. It is in our nature to heal. Just dont abuse that because unfortunately the ones that stay will often attempt to heal someone we love at the expense of our own health and emotional wellbeing. Wishing you both the best!

 

If you don't have a certified sex addiction therapist consider finding one because...the "disclosure" should be done in a therapeutic session if possible. At the very least the therapist will give you guidelines about how this disclosure should occur. I agree the secrecy is one of the main things keeping the addiction alive. Because you are long distance it is important she have some resources in place to deal with the trauma--perhaps the therapist can see her too maybe via Webx or Zoom or some means...but don't dump this on her w/o her having resources to cope.

 

I really admire this. Infidelity is a huge blow and you're right, she may be too distraught to be able to safely drive home, especially if it is far. I really commend you for being so thoughtful about this and for coming clean with her voluntarily. That is awesome to see here on NoFap.

 

this is the type of thing a CSAT will take into consideration, for example they often require the partner come in a separate vehicle than the addict and that she not drive herself. Robert Weiss is a therapist who speaks a lot to both other therapists and to the general public regarding how the process should be handled regarding the partner, including safety criteria for disclosure, therapy, living arrangements, etc and CPTSD. I would gain as much info as possible before setting up the disclosure with her--many partners are stunned into symptoms they never experienced before with these types of situations. Do not expect to be her source of comfort, although that temptation will be there, it will end up burdening you further in recovery and will not help her learn how to process the difficult feelings, images etc.in a safe way. I hope you both navigate this successfully and continue to be a model for others. Good luck.