Has he relapsed? Want Male Advice pls!

I understand how frustrating it is for you. However, despite all of your efforts, you might be contributing to the problem by too much control. Not only that he will find ways how to trick you but also if you stand against each other or if he feels in a subordinate position to you (you are trying to control, he is trying to escape your control) it is probably triggering negative emotions in him that drive him to more porn. Ultimately it will deepen the gap in your communication and relationship. What he needs help with is to address the root cause of the porn addiction - lack of love. Try to stand on his side and do not punish him for a relapse (all of us in this community have relapsed one or several times) but rather reward him (love him) for even trying to change. That will stimulate more positive behavior you wish to see. God bless you, both!

 

I think there's way too much debating and splitting hairs going on over everything now....and that it's probably all very overwhelming and confusing to the OP. I think everyone means well and it should be left at that and the OP can make her own choices.

Since the above was re: my post I do want to say this @cakeinacrisis. You said you don't understand "why keep doing it?" Well in my view, it's about whether the addict is really in true recovery or not. Some PA's fake recovery. I have been subject to this for years. "What productive is coming from it?" To reassure herself that she is not still being betrayed or lied to. She doesn't know what she'll find, that's why she wants to be certain. That's not setting herself up for punishment at all, it's wanting to be certain that what he's saying is true. A wife doing healing and who is really starting to heal doesn't just automatically know when her husband is honest or not. Not when they've been expert liars in the past. Having boundaries doesn't automatically mean he's not going to lie to avoid the consequences. Having compassion & respect that he'll admit to his relapses doesn't just mean that he will. "If he doesn't admit it, he's only hurting himself" - no he's not, it hurts me (her) just as much, if not more....we're the ones being lied to and trying to rebuild trust with them...Sometimes being caught out is the only way a PA will finally see the light. Realistically a partner shouldn't even have to snoop. If they want, they should be given access to anything and everything that may cause doubt or suspicion. If the PA is genuinely taking it seriously, and understands what it's done to his SO, he would understand why, that trust has been broken and it will take time to rebuild. My husband knows everything has monitoring software and has agreed to it. He has said he doesn't mind because it actually helps him at this stage anyway because it's a deterrent and it gives me a small amount of peace of mind. Sure it's not full proof and hopefully will eventually not be required. If she has full access at anytime to anything and he has agreed to it because of the level of trust that has been broken then it's not snooping anyway. It's just the PA being a complete open and honest book.

You may disagree and that's fine. We all have our own opinions so there's no point in debating it, I just wanted to give my viewpoint too, that is all. We can agree to disagree if necessary.

All the best in your journey and healing....

 

It did get a bit overwhelming, huh? At the very least, I hope the OP was able to see things from different perspectives & take away something applicable to her situation or future situations from someone's thoughts on here.

? I was replying to @GhostWriter's quote

How does one fake recovery? Seriously! Those addicts have got to have monster kahunas! What "clues" did your SO give off that they were faking, or did they finally end up confessing?

Here's my hold-up on this "snooping"; OP says her dday was Dec 2017 (if I'm reading correctly). Upon finding his stash, she left the home & stayed at a hotel for a week, & in her own words "got over it though, i came back, I installed covenant eyes on his phone and his laptop." According to OP, everything has been relatively normal until 2 weeks ago. That's almost 10 months of "normalcy". Idk... if I trusted my husband enough to have sex with him for months after dday, I would like to think I could trust him o be honest about his ED & such.

only if you let it, in my opinion.

I get it, but at what point do you blow the whistle & not be a babysitter?

I don't disagree with anything; I learn & share thoughts. Thank you for the insight & taking time to share yours

Ditto!

 

@cakeinacrisis I honestly can't believe you dissected it all again - like I said I didn't want to get into a debate over it all. Agree to disagree. What both ghost writer said and make sex gr8 again said was in reply and in relation to my post.

I could respond to all of what you said but I choose not to. It's going nowhere. One thing I will say in regards to signs of fake recovery - there wasn't any! He was caught out yet again due to my "what you call snooping"!!

Cheerio!!

 

I will never understand why some people get so defensive on here.
How one turns a response from a person being tagged in something into a debate, is beyond me.

 

@cakeinacrisis
I hope I can help you understand about the snooping side if things from my experience.
I trusted my husband whole heartedly for many years. Our whole relationship was based on respect, friendship and trust.
I do believe it was an honest attempt in the beginning but as the time when on, the addiction went from porn to SA and acting out in real life with the gaslighting, defensiveness and resentment took hold.

When the house of cards fell for me I couldn’t not only not trust him, but no one not even me. The feeling of being a fool, week and ashamed, an idiot. I had more resentment for myself than him.
The gaslighting and defensiveness was so overwhelming I needed proof for me.
I became increasingly Hypervigilance (hyperviligance is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect activity). This is a strong symptom of betrayal trauma and it hit me hard. The more defensive he became fueled the fire even after some truth came out but I knew he wasn’t being honest with still.
The more this happened the worst it got. For years I always respected his privacy until that happened, for a very long time it felt as though that respect was taken advantage of and even at times used against me just so he could hide his true intentions and secrets and he did.
This didn’t end for me until I felt safe and respected enough to not have the overwhelming feeling of finding out if I’m “delusional” or not.
Is this in my mind or really happening? Was this something I told my self it was but it really wasn’t?
Was I lied to about this too?
Is he stills hiding things from me?
Is it safe it safe to believe him that this is over?
I know he’s still withholding something, if he could lie about this then it’s easy to lie about that?
Sometimes it’s not about proving that they lied but about proving your suspicions wrong, you want to have the benefit of doubt but you can’t because XYZ.

The suspicious thoughts are all consuming not to mention how far do I have to go to protect myself. You question everything including a compliment, what are you feeling guilty about now?

Loosing trust in someone you love is hard but not being able to trust yourself is a nightmare. This isn’t a pleasant place to be and it takes time especially worst in regards to feelings of protecting other people close to you. It took me 4 years for the feelings of looking/snooping to go away but it didn’t happen until he could prove that I could start to trust him.
That feeling of wanting to love and trust (out of habit) and have those coexist with fear and anxiety because you know you can’t does a whopper in the mind and emotional state.
I hope this help with a little bit of perspective?

 

That was very kind of you...it did give me a new perspective.
Thank you for this

 

Hi, I see this is a place not for people that want to heal but more for people to call out flaws in other people's opinions and even taunt them to shut them up. Which worked for me; I will not be active on here ever again. Congrats! OP asked for a male point of view and I wanted to help. I am rewarded with you pointing me out as a pervert sex addict whining about my masculinity being questioned (by my own self), even going as far as laughing at me. I get it, men are pigs. Trust me I know I am a disgrace and a poor excuse for a boyfriend. I wish I had never existed about 12 times everyday. Thinking this place was the right place to discuss issues with likeminded people whom want to heal themselves was just one more mistake on my path. Without any sarcasm, I love you and I wish you all the best.

 

Do not let this run you off; I agreed with your advice and in no way saw you as the person you were being portrayed as.

I promise there are really inspiring people on this site that can be of sincere & genuine help to you. Likewise, many people could use your advice. You seem educated, rational, & open-minded. A lot of us could benefit from you.

I'm sorry you feel this way; I feel it quite often on here, too. A person should not have to defend themselves while they seek & give advice.

 

I started reading this thread and found many helpful comments. However the super long threads that were arguing and debating were more than I cared to read. I’ve learned one thing on this site: Everyone’s story is different and the road to recovery has many alternate routes.
It’s probable he is using PMO again but it’s also possible his recovery isn’t following a straight line. I saw amazing and constant improvement for probably about 8 months and then for about a month saw ED return again. I did not relapse. The equipment just didn’t work, even with V. Then just as suddenly things reversed and have been better than ever. It was frustrating for us. I told my wife I was not using. I don’t know if she believed me deep inside, but she continued to love me through it all. I’m not looking for sympathy or excuses but ED strikes at the soul of a man, no matter the cause. One failure leads to another and the mind game is much more difficult to overcome than the physical aspects.

 

I would advise you stick around, but maybe steer clear of the relationship section. I tend to have problems every time I venture into these parts, but the rest of the forums are pretty great most of the time. Hope you find some good support here!

 

Sounds like the Flatline. Hit my hubby about the 3-4 months in and lasted something like 3-4 weeks. He also suffered from apathy and that was harder to handle then the “dead stick” I think he called it at one point. If it is flatline then that means he’s doing it right and the flatline can very from person to person including severity and length of time. Even if it’s a flatline and not relapse, this is where communication comes in and is needed between the PA and SO. If I had no clue about the flatline or us talking about or he he even felt about it, I could assumed easy enough that it was an affair or something else equally not so good.

 

I don’t think it was flatline. The desire was there and I was able to get an erection, but it would not last after penetration.

 

I care to learn but I care even more who I learn from.

 

Trust your gut feeling. YOU know him better than anyone else on this whole forum. You know what his patterns are, you know what it looks like when he’s using and when he’s clean. Go with that.

 

Is there a way you guys can come together on this and be a supportive team rather than you versus him (and him vs you)? Possibly a safe place in couples therapy or something?

Him feeling he needs to hide it from you and you feeling you need to catch him screams distrust in both directions.

PMO addiction is definitely a problem, but it would be really awesome if you guys could battle this together rather than as mistrusting enemies.