How I Accidentally Discovered NoFap After 22 Years of Unrealized Addiction

I'm so thankful I found this website. I never thought of myself as addicted to porn, but after reading about it, I realized I definitely am. There will be a little bit of dick talk in here, sorry. TRIGGER WARNING:

It all started at the age of 13 on a 56k Modem. My senses were overloaded with the vast amounts of porn available and I quickly began to download whatever I could and write it onto floppy disks and zip disks. I would let my computer download videos overnight and while at school and would quickly rush to my room to "do my homework". I remember watching hardcore porn for the first time at that age and feeling too overwhelmed, I couldn't handle it and it felt a bit gross at the time. So I started with pictures of models and soft core porn. Over time I would explore the different genres and of course during high school I spent way too much time in my room, masturbating multiple times a day, almost every day. One day, I remember trying to go for a record and see how many times I could cum in a day. I think it was 12 or 16, can't remember. The point is, at the time I thought this was amazing and I would take full advantage of the vast amounts of FREE P! I have always been shy and somewhat introverted, and I now wonder if it's because of this problem, maybe it has to do with the underlying guilt feeling I read about on this site. I didn't have my first girlfriend until the age of 20, and I remember that it took a little longer to orgasm after sex, but it wasn't a problem. I thought of it as an advantage. As I got older and as I got tired of looking at lesbians, Asians, and Hardcore porn, (maybe tired is not the right word, since I still love that stuff) I started to explore different genres. I didn't realize that I was trying to make up for the likely decreased dopamine response. But still, I didn't have much problems with my relationships. Things kept escalating and my interests became more extreme. BDSM was amazing for me and of course it got more and more extreme and weird. Now, I'm having trouble with O when I have sex because it takes too long and my dick won't stay hard for that long. She does not like me watching porn and has told me to try to stop. I know now that it's not healthy anymore. But I didn't listen to her, that's not how I found this place, but it's interesting to me that she end up being right.

So how did I find NoFap? Let's go back around 1mo ago when I was into some very weird stuff. Essentially I ended up being interested in mental chastity with the ultimate goal of having a prostate orgasm (I'm not gay, but I read that it's the ultimate orgasm like nothing felt before). I couldn't stop myself from having an orgasm for longer than 7 days, of course I was still watching P and edging as well. I would edge for hours almost daily, bringing myself to the cusp of orgasm and backing off, slowly building up the frequency and at the same time decreasing the amount of contact I had with my hand. I was essentially riding the amazingly long waves of dopamine. This would continue until I was just barely touching the head of my dick with just 2 fingers and just rubbing it for a split second and as it got closer and closer to O, I would space out the frequency of M to find the sweet spot of not letting that feeling go away. Of course at that point my brain thought I could control it, but there was no way any human being could control that, it just gushed out an intense O with 7 days worth of cum. I also discovered that if instead of following through with M during the orgasm, if I stopped any contact with my dick prior to the O (tease & denial) then I could start right back up again without any refractory period and I could rub another O out pretty quickly. I would sometimes do 3 orgasms max in a row. But I really wanted to be able to stop having an O so that I could build up my stores in preparation for a prostate orgasm, and my max was 12 days without it. At that point I was sex-crazy, I would look at any woman and my imagination would run wild, I felt like a teenager gone mad and sex-crazed. Those yoga pants would just drive me wild. So I told myself, maybe if I stop watching P, I could last longer without O. 2 days later I tricked myself into thinking, maybe if I watch YouTube, then it would be OK. Twerking oily butts and yoga pants are what I searched for. I would edge myself for hours again, but this time I did not O because something different happened.

Something amazing happened, YouTube happened to automatically play a related video after watching the sexy yoga pants. It was randomly someone talking about NoFap. I became very interested and I watched multiple videos on this topic thinking, OMG, this is me! It was at that point that I realized I have a problem. I started to realize that other people had the same messed up mind that I did and were into crazy types of porn that caused shame and confusion. So it's been 3 days without PM, and 8 days without O and I feel like something in me has already changed and I have hope that I can do this. I need to empty my mind of all the porn, I need to rid my mind of this fake fantasy. I did touch myself for 30sec in the shower today because I was a bit worried he wasn't working well (or at least I convinced myself of this, even though I woke up with a very hard erection), but no O. I notice that when I don't O for a while, my morning wood is really strong. Anyways, I feel like now that I have realized I have a problem and have come to accept it, a big part of me feels that avoiding P will not be a problem for me. I feel somewhat a sense of relief.

I've read a couple posts on this site and I think it's helpful to see how people handle a similar problem to you and to be going through a shared experience. Please wish me luck everyone. Sorry if I wrote some graphic stuff. Please comment and let me know how my first real post went.

 

I just want to add, at 7 days is usually when I start to feel the effects of no O, it's been 8. I find that I look for any excuse (such as feeling uncomfortable sitting and my balls sticking to my thighs) to touch my balls and adjust them. I'm scared that it'll lead to PMO, but I'm only 20% scared if that makes sense. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine. My balls feel really full though and uncomfortable.

Also, I mentioned touching myself in the shower my first writing, but it was for a really short time, and it wasn't a masturbation motion, it was more of a flopping the dick up and down until it got hard, then I left it alone completely. How technical are we going to get with the M definition??? I'm not going to consider that masturbation, or else every time I dry my dick off really well after a shower would bring my counter to 0. What do you guys think?

Also, my gf is being very supportive of my decision to join NoFap and said she is happy that I finally believe her that I have a problem.

Also, sorry brain is running with thoughts, in my family there has been addiction to: Alcohol, cocaine, marijuana, etc. I don't really think I have an addiction problem with those things (Don't drink too often, maybe once every 2 months? Never tried cocaine and will never go there. Love marijuana and scared I might get addicted, but I limit it's use to about once a week, but currently stopped for about a month), but maybe addiction is built into my genes and my addiction is PMO.

Okay, thanks everyone!

 

Starting to feel an urge today, home alone, my gf left me alone. Being on the computer home alone is a bit scary, but I know I can do this.

I had read in a journal of someone else that he had a wet dream during the day without getting hard, I believe it was after 30 days. That seems scary to me, what if that happens during work?! I've never had a wet dream. But the porn has messed me up, especially the hypnosis and wanting a hands-free O. I have so many technical questions...I also feel like I'm not over all the fantasy.

Most of my time is spent at home, social anxiety? Introversion? Sometimes I think of the positive side that I'm not looking at beautiful/sexy girls in the outside world.

I hope this helps someone, but I really don't feel like it will. Sometimes I question why we were made like this, but I already know the answer to that...but still, it would have been nice to have some kind of switch built into us that we could turn on or off our primal urges just by a flip of that switch. Maybe in the future we'll have a nanobot switch...Until that time, I'm relying on NoFap.

I think I'll distract myself with a workout/shower. Stay strong with me fellow fapstronauts...

 

The urges have started to build up. Went to the grocery store with gf and there was this tall pretty girl in overalls that were short and a black mini top. It was hard not to stare. My balls feel heavier, but I'm still going strong. Coming up on 4 days tonight of no PM and 9 days of no O. PM is more important to me than O, but I'm still trying to see how disciplined I can be. My initial goal is 30 days no PM, once I reach that I'm gonna shoot for 60 then 90. Thinking of 30 is daunting. Actually passing 12 days of no O has been my previous record, I was just crazy horny and couldn't hold back. But back then I didn't know about NoFap, it was part of mental chastity and I was watching P. This time I'm hoping it will be different since no PM will be involved. Wish me luck people. I hope I become a better person from this, but it feels like I'll just be an angrier more raging hormones person...

 

I'm not sure if anyone really reads this, but I'll continue for self therapy. Last night was hard to sleep. I'm coming on 5 days no PM and 10 days no O. I went to sleep before my gf and she came to bed later. When she came to bed, I woke up and noticed I was hard. I was sleeping naked because it's hot at night. As the sheets moved over me, my little friend was extremely sensitive, he became super hard. Each tug or pull of the sheets from by my gf felt amazing. It almost felt like edging. I was scared I would cum. All it took was little small movements of the sheets and it was pure ecstasy, I was going crazy. I knew I had to do something, so I tried some PC muscle strengthening and then trying to avoid any sexual thoughts. It took some time, but I was able to fall asleep again, but ended up waking up 2 more times.

Woke up this AM, feeling super horny, but I'm going to stay strong. As that 12 day personal best for no O gets closer, I can feel myself coming up to some sort of psychological barrier. I'm really hoping this time will be different. Avoiding P has been easy, but that's only been about 5 days, so maybe it'll get harder as time goes on. Who knows, this is all new to me (NoFap).

Stay strong everyone

 

Really feeling weak and want to give in, but I know I won't. Just want to shout for help! Why is this so difficult, why can't I get my mind off of this? Gonna go workout and blow off some steam...

 

Going to work helps me stay strong, but got home alone early. Alone with my laptop...a constant tug-o-war. But I'm feeling ok like I got this...Stay strong fapstronauts

 

I'm so mad...I cooked dinner for my gf and she come home late everyday and I just got tired of it. I went for a walk on my own because I was tired of being cooped up at home alone in danger of PMO. I thought she would be upset that I left and didn't wait for her, but I come back and...nothing...she just doesn't care...I've decided I'm just gonna do my own thing from now on and not update her on anything. I bet she won't even clean the dishes (I'm gonna check later tonight just to give her a chance).

I don't know, I'm just feeling more and more distant from her and doing this no PMO thing to make our relationship better, but I just don't know...I feel like giving up sometimes...I just feel so much stress...

Gonna go shower and cool down, my muscles are sore from yesterday's workout...

 

We had a talk, I expressed my frustration, she explained she is behind on work. I understand, I've calmed down, I'll do the dishes tomorrow.

 

Going onto day 7 No PM and day 12 no O. Just woke up, had a little trouble sleeping and would wake up a couple times with abnormally hard erections. So today and from now on will be a real test for me. I've never surpassed 12 days without O. Last time I was at day 12 it was more in the setting of BDSM, chastity, and edging; I was going crazy. This time there is no physical chastity, but there is also no PM or edging (I guess it counts as M). I'm feeling ok so far, I hope I can do this.

 

Today is a new record for me, going onto day 8 (this tracker is a bit strange, but I guess it's because it starts at day 0) no P/M. Going on day 13 no O. I don't know how to explain it, but my prostate feels full. When I have to go pee, it feels like a long continuous stream of cumming constantly. My testicles feel really full too. I've never had a wet dream, but I feel like my body wants to have one to relieve all this pressure. I feel like my brain has turned into peanut butter, I have an urge to have sex and fuck like an animal. I'm feeling really hyper-sexual and very easily aroused. I'm finding myself fantasizing a lot, and trying to stop myself. While fantasizing, I watched my dick grow at a rate that I don't ever think I've ever seen before. This is getting to be too much for me. I give myself 1 more day before I pop and go crazy, but I'm trying my best. Wish me luck

 

My apologies everyone, was going over forum rules and realized this is now a reboot log, so I will be moving my further posts to my journal in the Reboot logs:

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/35m-w-so-rebooting-first-time-new-to-nofap.195599/

 

Thanks for the motivation! Doing my best

 

I know the feeling exactly. It's like a light switched on and I realized I had a problem, when I didn't even think anything of it before. I thought it was normal and everyone masturbates and looks at porn. I just think we have taken it a little too far and now that we realize it, we're doing what we can to improve our lives. Self improvement is something very important to me and I'm sure to everyone on this site.

 

My journal continues here:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/35m-w-so-rebooting-first-time-new-to-nofap.195599/