Mastubated and orgasmed after 6 months of hard mode no PMO. Here’s what happened.

i wanted to write my story of what happened this past week.

About 10 days ago I hurt my back and had to spend many days in doors and laying down. My daily routine fell off and I wasn’t able to exercise at all.

Apart of the treatment for my back was to sleeep with a pillow between my legs. About the 4th night of sleeping, I randomly had a sexual fantasy pop into my head as I was trying to fall asleep. Having the pillow between my legs added friction to my penis helping my erection. This happened again the next night. The next night after I was horny from the 2 nights before and made the choice to have an erection again with the same technique (which in itself is amazing cuz.m I needed lots of touching durning my PMO addiction can to get anxetection). This lead to me mastubation and orgasming and breaking my 6 month streak.

I will admit that during the MO, I had a knee jerk thought to look at porn, but didnt.

The insane part is what happened afterwords... almost nothing happened afterwords... there was no urge to binge repeatedly. There was no urge to look at porn. My old fetishes didn’t flood back, I didn’t become obsessed with sex. The next few days I wasn’t walking around objectifying everything that moves. I didn’t have urges to PMO while driving. I didn’t walk around the world completely objectifying everything. I wasn’t sex/PMO obsessed! It’s like the MO experience stayed in my bed and didn’t attach to my personality and my life!!

Considering the state i was in 6 months ago this is a miracle!!! To show the difference here’s a quick glimpse. I would drive around naked and mastubating while watching PMO. I would cross dress, I would degrade myself online with masters. I would look at really dark corners of the PMO Internet including beastiality, jailbait, incest, bdsm, femdom and more. I would scour Craigslist for anonymous gay hookups (I’m not gay at all). All of these actions would leave me horny, depressed, socially anxious, suicidal, and completely sex crazed. also, adrenaline and pain was tied to my sex drive.

Another strange miracle is that I had some choice in the situation. It wasn’t that I became lost in sexual desire afterwords. And now a few days later I’m still not obsessed. And I’m level headed about it. What I mean by “choice” is that I realized I want to save my orgams for sex with a partner rather than waist them selfishly while alone.

Oh and I also have to mention that this MO session didn’t happen due to me being sad, anxious or wanting to run from my problems. It was not tied to any negative emotions. It was simply a moment of horniness. For 15-20 years (since middle school) I have been using PMO to get through my day or run from my problems. So this was a strange occurrence to have an orgasm because I was horny, not because I wanted to run from life.

I do still have a lot of fear that if I were to continue to MO that I could easily fall into the same old patterns and that would lead me back to the porn rabbit hole so I’m back on hard mode, but it was so insane that a moment of random horniness stopped at one MO and I didn’t completely fall apart.

So for my future nofap journey I am going to continue on the hardmode no PMO and work towards changing my mental fantasies to be inline with my sexual ideal, as well as try and eventually incorporate orgasms with my partner only and never on my own. (were separated but working through our issues... long story for another time).

This was a huge success for me because for so long I was trapped by sex, I was living life and sexual desire as one. They weren’t separate. PMO and sex weren’t an activity I did, it was my identity. Everything about me was sex, every thought I had was sex. The center of my body was my penis and I had no way out. So to have this experience and have it be so normal was awesome.

Hope this helps people see that reboot is possible. Here’s to another 6 month streak or longer of being PMO free!

A quick list of the honest truths of this situation

• I did have very kinky fantasies the 2 nights before when I was going to sleep that made me erect.
• The third night what got me started was the same kinky unhealthy fantasy.
• I tried to think of normal vanilla fantasy, but t wasn’t exciting (proof that abstinence is only half the battle for me. It’s also about having orgasms with healthy mental images instead.)
• During the MO I had an urge to look at porn.
• Afterwards I was really scared that I ruined everything.
• I had a thought to not tell anyone.
• I really really enjoyed it and it felt amazing, which scared me but also excited me.

 

Thanks! Yea I have a strong desire to rewire my fantasy and my automatic mental images so that they are more vanilla and are inline with my life goals. That’s my next stage of recovery.

 

I actually had very little fantasy up until recently. Dreams at night weren’t often sexual, until about 2 weeks ago.

I was doing a lot of worn on myself, and I was facing some really dark emotions and not turning away. I was suicidalxfor the first 2 months of sobriety until I worked through some of my mistakes and emotions. and I turned to the healthy stuff like journaling and honesty with loved ones when in those dark moments game, instead of fantasy or sexual engagement of any kind for comfort.

So only when I was feeling really solid in my recovery did the subconscious mind start to add constant sex dreams and sex fantasy into my life. Interesting.

 

That was me. We’re separsted right now. So I think that’s my sexual ideal that I will work towards during our relationship rekindling. This MO horniness was out of the blue.

 

Yea, I’m still not convinced that it would be ok if I continued to do it, and I’m not gonna find out

 

Yup! I stopped lol. Even though it’s suppose to be better for my back, PMO addiction is worse for my body and mind so I don’t use the pillow anymore.

Umm no I don’t feel any worse. Which to be honest is my new problem.

I realized that one of the most effective parts of my recovery has been the rigorous honesty. In the beginning the honesty consisted of telling my family and therapist about my depression and anxiety issues, and divulging all of my sick and twisted PMO adventures to my SAA sponsor and others. Also it was my confessing my urges for relapse and it was very sex oriented honesty.

But now, after a MO session, and nothing bad happened, depression didn’t return, life is still good etc... this is a dangerous time in sobriety. The calmness can lead to complacency and being ok with happy enough, and the work on myself will slow down and eventually stop. I’ve been here before and it’s a very unsettling feeling.

So at this point In my recovery the daily self honesty needs to exists still, but it will look different.

So I realized i havnt been doing my daily morning routine 100%, and telling myself it’s cuz I hurt my back, but I do just fine showing up to work and waking around and doing all sorts of physical movement, but meditating is too stressful on my back??? So I need to be honest about that. The conversation isn’t about sex or PMO anymore directly, it’s about lying to myself about my morning routine, or not answering the phone and lying to the person saying I was busy or asleep even though I wasn’t.

This lack of effort and small lies to others and myself will slowly lead back to PMO because I use PMO as a coping mechanism. And with this new stage of recovery I feel I’m not able to cope with how normal my life is. I’m so use to chaos and sadness, that this is really bugging me, and if I don’t discuss it honestly I won’t survive it.


Such a strange paradox. But so to answer your question, nothing negative happened to me after the PM except for a complacency crisis