Vamsi is a porn addict

Hate myself. Am from selfish. Have fantasies for my school teacher while in the bathroom. Cannot look at women. Look at the ground always. Am incoherent, confused and look for other people to get my work done. I hate myself. I eat I run away. My mind feels like a week long hangover after a bout of pmo. I am doing a lousy job. I am running away from everything. This is the 45th time I'm trying over the past ten years. I've lost count. I can't remember the conversations I had with someone the next day. I misplace things. I am less in the present .

 

Today am feeling alot less like a hangover. Can think better. But, it generally takes two weeks to get some clarity. Thanks Janardhan. day 1.

 

I am more confident about my body. I have been able to read a technical book for more than 2 hours without running away/ masturbating.

 

welcome to day 9:

Was approached by a girl. Was spooked as my sexual energy peaking was observed by her?
Observed how women take care of their appearance- another girl!
My boss called me incompetent in a roundabout way- previously I wouldn't have noticed this.

 

I just failed after going good for 1 week.
what?
All my nervous habits came up at the same time. Things aren't looking too good. More than needing a long time to settle(my meaning is to be the best), the lack of wanting to do anything with the time I had at hand is the reason. I started reading the book-'Getting the Edge' where he talks about compounded interest and other things.
Why?
I was edging thinking about every woman I could find. My eyes started to go blank. When I talked to women, they started closing their salwarson their necks because they felt kind of spooked by the way my eyes went over them. I couldn't control it. I feel like shit for doing this. Then I come home, It's the same story. So, go to the bathroom, use some porn on your cell and jack off for 1 good hour.
Do the same thing the next day. Now, I want to start over again.
When?
When I came home around 8 30 pm
Where?
Bathroom
How?
Used my device to get my high. Initially, it started off like let me just see a little bit. I can edge without mo. Then, it became, you have so much time, you don't have much to do, don't you want to have sex with that beautiful perfect girl on the screen? Don't you want to smell her hair, touch her and touch yourself? Then, I failed.

What am I going to do next time?
It's not simple- When I have free time, I am reading at the rate of 20 pages an hour. I am not sleeping until I finish reading for 5 hours or at 2 0 clock at night.
I will wake up at 7 and meditate for half an hour.
I will make my to do list when I am shitting.
I will dedicate an hour to maintaining a daily journal of what I have learnt and implemented.

If I am able to do at least 3 of these things, over a week, I will get back to this thread. Heres to my reset

 

4 days clean. Action points 1,2,3,4 were not carried out. Instead, went on binge sleeping. No working out. Just stayed at work late even if I didn't work(much).

 

Looks like I'm going to have to go for small goals.
Ming is more tension release. Cause of tension==own deficiencies in personality, ability, no friends and no special abilities!
4 weeks should be a great start to it

 

Social Anxiety: Heart is faster... Can't think.... bite my nails... can't get the mo high. think of cigarettes. Want to do it. mo/cigarettes etc.. anything that takes the edge off.-> So, wanted to try cigarettes.

Realised that the only conversations I've had with girls is NULL. The only conversations with guy friends-Almost NULL.. Was/am actually proud that am a loner. I turned to mo frequently as a getaway-- no other activities. I realise I don't have friends. The only one I had, I didn't keep in contact with, because I was ashamed of myself. I have no photos of college. I have no memories, because I never went out. I used to not get my high from social interaction but from mo, which has screwed up my ability to strike up a convo. This has happened over 4 years. I now come out as a fraud and liar. I come out as incompetent also. This is coz of the brain fog.

My head thinks convolutedly- I try to think what's the next question gonna be instead of answering this question. Part of the brain fog. Need to have a social life but don't have one. Am not going to have one anytime soon.

There's this guy- Tim Ferris-- 30 day no pmo challenge except fr sex. It's the same thing that I want to do but it's like infinitely tougher for me. When I stop pmo ing, the stress hits like a hammer. When I do a mo session (15 mins with AJ), I get this 'Fuck You, I don't care' attitude. (Most of it is brain fog because I don't put things together). This attitude helps me get through the day. I love my job. When the stress hits, it's cool. Every job has stress. In fact, I know I've got it easy compared to most others. When I don't do mo for a week, my weight and food intake increases. Something's gotta give. It's either, mo for a half hour each morning, or,eating like a pig to keep nerves down. Am even thinking about cigarettes. If I didn't have the job, I wudn't know about the mind fog.

Another thing I sort of found- It's difficult for an Indian girl to find a bf- I mean guys look for mothers, girlfriends, cooks etc. in the girl. And, the girl looks for someone to get along with. It's actually very funny!

 

Going to a marraige...Staring at women's backs like meat. Makes you feel sick....
Went there....stayed.... awkwardly stared at ground whole day...the next day...at work, being social is really easy.
Similarly, nervousness, tension etc.. is sort of interlinked...
similarly, working with people around is helpful.

 

Now, lets do this one day at a time, man. You have faced the results of your concentration issues.