Last chance.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Pentium, Oct 19, 2018.

  1. Pentium

    Pentium New Fapstronaut

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    Hi To the community,

    I first introduced and hooked on porn in 1973 at the age of 8 via my father’s Swedish porn collection hidden in the back of his shed. Through the years I have been through it all, magazines, VHS, playing cards, 8mm film etc. With the advent of online porn I was in the rabbit hole slowly but surely spiraling deeper and deeper into the void.

    Nothing mattered anymore, just my fantasies getting evermore disgusting and revolting, eventually only finding release on the dark net. In combination with drugs to heighten the orgasm, I became an expert in hiding my habit through anonymous surfing, layers of encryption to hide my 50 gigs of porn. I became emotionally isolated, functioning at 7% efficiency, communicating with friends, family, and coworkers on a separate level whilst indulging in my fantasy land. I am bitterly ashamed about my behavior, the lies and parallel world I existed in from my outward respectable projection. Does not matter how well you hide your activities, there is a part of you that died. Friends dwindled, relationships withered. What I have done with my actions trying to fulfill my fantasies is not in line with the values I tried to instill in my daughters or the image I projected to society.

    At the age of 53, my lifelong habit has caught up and costed me dearly. In the past year, I lost my business got sequestrated, my wife sued for divorce as she could no longer cope with a husband that have lost all interest in intimacy, communication and living. My family asked me to move out of the family home having given up on trying to find out what is wrong with me. I am currently staying with my mother depending on her for food, shelter and access to the internet/porn.

    The many attempts I made in the past to try and stop just never lasted more than a few days. I spend months with a psychiatrist who did not view it as an addiction but as a habit that could be broken by will power. Needless to say I never managed to break the habit and gave up on this line of help.

    Having finally reached the conclusion that I will never be able to break this addiction and having no interest in continuing with this sordid existence, I have given up on life and have started to put my affairs in order and are planning to end it all at year end after my children’s exams at varsity as to have the “minimal” impact on their lives.

    Having read a very informative article about NoFab published in our Sunday newspaper, I for the 1st time realized that that I am not alone or unique and that there is a glimmer of hope to extract myself out of this hell hole.

    I am under no illusion about the enormity of the quest I have embarked upon but by the same token it is rather simple, this is my last attempt at redemption, should I fail in achieving total abstinence and somehow get my will to live back, I will complete this cycle and terminate.

    Today is day 1 and counting……
     
    spaces and The Lone Ranger like this.
  2. Many things stood out in your post but I’d address the two most important in my mind.

    You say your psychiatrist doesn’t view it as an addiction. Get a new psychiatrist/counselor that does. There are many options out there for face to face support for this addiction. It’s sounds like you’re willing to seek help so please don’t give up based on one counselors opinion.

    Second, your plan to end it all at years end to have minimal impact on your children’s lives breaks my heart. If you are truly at this point please seek help immediately. There is no such thing as “minimal impact”. You are not alone and with the proper help you can put this behind you.

    Be strong.
     
  3. install qustodio to prevent relapse on P
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. Hi Pentium,
    Thanks for sharing your story with us.
    You are definitely not alone. Porn has this devilish character to look outside acceptable if you are handling it like you did. I also had a therapist who encouraged me, not to be so down about porn addiction. I guess that's a European thing with more secular aproaches.

    But truth is is that this stuff is poisoning us.
    It damages our souls (and in your case hopefully not kills the body). My dad commited suicode and I miss him so badly.
    Don't give the devil this second victory in your life.

    Dayli new people joining this forum (mostly young) who need your very help in overcoming this.
    Your story is powerful evidence and you can save life's by just sharing it again and again.
    IT seem from your words that you are an eloquent speaker. Write a book... Make a movie...So much you can do to help others.

    I talked to a friend last week who is also a successful entrepreneur. We wanna start a German section here in NoFap. It feels strange as it brings this ugly issue closer to me. But it's needed. I personally have a friend with this addiction who only speaks german.
    Maybe you start a Swedish section?

    Whatever you do. There is a life worth living ahead of you.

    All the best Pentium!
     
    The Lone Ranger likes this.
  5. The Lone Ranger

    The Lone Ranger Fapstronaut

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    I hope you feel very welcome to this site. Your story really gives a heads up to many of us here. Good luck to you (even though I think luck has little to do with the progress you will make). It will be an honour following your journey on nofap. I believe in you mate
     
  6. Install blockers asap. Don't give up man. Life has those time of turbulence that most of us have to pass through. Pain is only temporary. It hurts to try and quit and to.Keep on slipping. Thing is, it is only temporary. You will get through this, as many of us in the same position including me will as well. Let you mother put blockers on.everything in.the house. Let her know your trying to spend less time on the internet and that you're trying to.improve yourself. Start with.something like jogging whenever you've got time. And spend as much time outside as you can. Keep.pushing bro. Can't quit. Never quit.
     
  7. spaces

    spaces Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the community :) i hope things change for the better, they always do .
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. gsherman100

    gsherman100 Fapstronaut

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    Wow man best of luck. I have to say though that is a very well written and poetic post. It had my full attention.
     
  9. ten-eleven-tristar

    ten-eleven-tristar Fapstronaut

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    Hi Pentium,
    I hope that you reconsider your final plan. I'm not sure what I could say to change your mind, other than that you are not alone in facing this addiction. Clearly, there is a large community here focused on facing porn addiction together. I wish you luck and strength in your journey.

    One thing you did say caught my eye:

    I too have made many attempts over the past 20 years to stop, and never made it all that far. I even joined a different message board committed to sometime like 5 or 6 years ago (though I forget the name of it - it doesn't seem to be around anymore). The difference with NoFap is that the 90 day reboot gives me hope that it will get easier, if only I can make it to 90 days (or however long the reboot will take). The hard part is getting to 90 days, though.

    I also have sought out the advice of a therapist. It sounds like yours was ineffective. I'm not sure how effective that my therapist will be in the end, but he has advice on facing addiction that I think is relevant to the NoFap community. He says not to focus on the "streak", but if you're making progress. So maybe you slipped up, and your counter is back to zero. But if you had, say, a 4 day streak - that still means you had 4 out of 5 days without PMO. I don't think you can completely rely on will power at the beginning to fight all the urges. I think this is where the will power comes in is that after you slip up, you use your will power start the counter again instead of having a full relapse and falling back into the PMO habit. And then if you can go another 4 days, that means you were able to go 8 out of 9 days without PMO. Sure, it's not as impressive as a 9 day streak, but it's certainly progress from where you were. Now, this isn't permission to slip up. It's encouragement to start again in case you do.

    So, my goal is to get to 90 days. But if I get to 6 days and slip - that's progress. Then I'll start again, and if I make it 13 days and slip - that's more progress. Maybe I'll slip up twice in a week - we all take steps back. So I'll reset the counter, and try harder to make progress. And eventually I'll get that counter to 90 days. I bet you can do it too.
     
    spaces likes this.

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