I wonder if the damage is too much. Is it over for me?

I've written a lot on here but I don't know if I've ever went into the amount of detail that I'm going to right now. My story dates back to around 2003 when I was 14. I had already seen porn before through magazines, old VHS tapes and a little bit through old dial up internet but 2003 is when everything changed for me. In 2003 my family upgraded to high speed cable internet and we thought it was the greatest thing of all time. Needless to say I instantly started using this super fast internet for porn, especially videos which used to take hours to download. Things seemed okay until I started going to more and more extreme porn. The old stuff just didn't cut it anymore. I progressed like this for perhaps a year or so.

Fast forward to 2005 and I'm masturbating every chance I get, with or without porn. It was also during this year that I noticed for the first time that I was having a hard time getting erections, at least easily. My porn interests started getting more and more unusual. When I was 12 it was all about naked chicks but by time I was 18 I don't even want to describe what I was looking at and getting off to. Despite my sexual dysfunctions it was around this time that I got a girlfriend and at first we had weak, terrible sex and I was convinced that I had something physically wrong with my body. Instead of going to a doctor I bought generic boner pills from some online Canadian pharmacy. Well, this seemed to work so I was somewhat satisfied. Honestly though I tried to avoid sex when I could because I knew I had problems but when the time would come I would always pop a blue pill. Several years went by and I continued to do this so I just accepted the situation. Meanwhile, I'm still looking at porn even though I have a girlfriend. I was addicted and didn't even know it.

Fast forward many years to the year 2017 and I have no girlfriend, she broke up with me because I was basically a complete failure which I at least partially attribute to my porn addiction. I'm 28 years old, I realize that I've completely fucked up my 20's and the only girl I was ever sexual with was with the use of chemicals. I felt such a deep feeling of failure and emptiness that I was simply ready to die. That's around the time I finally started doing the research and reading other peoples' stories and I realized all of my sexual problems were self inflicted which honestly made the pain even worse even though I finally knew the truth.

Now it is the end of 2018 and I will be turning 30 soon enough. Typing that is honestly bringing me to tears. I'm 29 and I'm still completely addicted to porn, I have severe PIED and I have no sex drive at all. If I have anything at all that resembles a sex drive it's a craving for more porn. I was once "normal" and I dream of being normal once again.

Is there even an ounce of hope left for me or is it truly game over?

 

I already do this. Thoughts of porn that I've seen in the past is usually what causes me to relapse.

 

I can understand your feeling about this. You still have a lot ahead of you to look forward to. If I am omy 127th day, looking forward at 48, you can be at 28.
Read, learn and make your plan.
You can do this

 

I'm so messed up I don't even get morning wood anymore.

 

Why? Whats the point? I already know whats wrong with me.

 

I'm not 100% sure but I'm 95% sure. I've been looking at extreme porn for years and years....you know what it is.

 

None of this really matters. I'm probably just going to kill myself soon anyway.

 

It's not just the porn addiction. It's my entire life. I am a pathetic failure in pretty much every way.

 

Your case is sad and complicated yes, but its not the end. You can make it totally in 90 days. You have to do the monk mode!
No sex
No masturbation
No porn
No fantasizing (don't let it pass 10 secs, its hard in the beginning but not impossible)
No YouTube
No movies
No social media (only this forum)

Meditate, workout everyday if possible. Cold showers to increase your libido and energy. Read a lot. Improve yourself. Focus on your job and etc... 90 days are nothing compared to a whole life. Say to yourself "I deserve a better life, and i Will make it!" Its up to you friend. You can reborn and be the best version of yourself. Peace.

 

Bro sorry to read that... im also sorry to say that i recognize a lot of your story.

I have been using pmo for 10+ years... and eventually also seen some extreme shit... i was not aware of the dangers, and i feel disgusted... and alongside many other problems and addictions... ive bern so low in life its unbelievable.

But yeah what can we do.... i really recommend u to check out on Youtube, Infinite Waters and Gabe Dawg. They helped me so much.

My life is still not what i would like it to be, but its better than a few years back luckily.

All the best

 

Thanks for the support guys. I'm in a really low place right now and I need all the help I can get.

 

We're all right beside you brother, you are not alone.