A thought about lonliness in a relationship

When I use P, i feel lonely. Despite it being my own decision and my own fault, seeking sexual gratification alone makes me feel alone. If I have the patience, strength and discipline to channel all of my sexual impulses where they belong, into my relationship with my wife, I do not feel lonely, even if I have to go longer between orgasms. 'Self-love' just makes me feel worthless, alone and lacking in loving attention. But it is my own fault when this happens. I am not even trying to have what I really want and need.

Even if you are single, continuing to seek your own touch and wasting your time in front of a screen is denying yourself of the opportunity to find real love, real intimacy and interaction with another person who want the same things, rather than a non-relationship with the most selfish and destructive partner of them all: the porn industry. You all deserve better, and your lonliness will never be addressed by giving in to the urge to pmo.

Stay strong, and good luck in your own journeys.

 

Interesting perspective, but I prefer to see orgasm as a positive and healthy experience that really is the climax of passion and physical love. Away from intimacy it is soiled and robbed of its purity and potency, sure, poisoned with the guilt, shame and loneliness of solo sex, but orgasm is not the enemy. Just as an obese person should not make food the enemy, they should instead seek to improve their relationship with food, so should we seek to improve our relationship with our sexuality.

 

Are you pornogamous? Isn't one piece of erotica enough to get off to? Then why do P users continually seek out new material? The same parts of your brain that make you look for new or different porn are the parts of my brain that give me the urge to use it in the first place. I know that sex with my wife is more fulfilling, more satisfying, and more in so many other ways than porn, but to tell yourself that once you have a woman that your problem will go away is nonsense. The part of you that finds every attractive woman attractive will always be there. The part of you that seeks out novelty will always be there. And these PMO behaviours are long-standing and deeply ingrained, as the vast majority of us will M and start using P long before having sex with a partner.

Yes, I am in a position where I have found love and happiness with a partner who means the world to me. I couldn't ask her to be any more. And yet the vestigial aspects of male human biology that lust after all attractive potential mates are not going anywhere. You don't simply stop noticing attractive women because you have one by your side. Falling in love is not going to eradicate your lust for other women. That is something you have to transcend. You need to make sure that your actions and behaviour are properly in line with your morals, goals and best interests. In line with what you truly want in life, not in one moment of greed and indiscriminate lust. Easily said and easily done in moments of clarity and lucidity. Very difficult in moments of weakness or after rationalising the behaviour as normal etc etc.

I don't mean this to come off as an attack, but rather it should serve as a warning. If you find yourself in a loving relationship but still have urges to watch porn, it does not mean that the relationship or woman is wrong for you. It means that you have found something worth struggling for and going through the difficult process of ridding porn from your life in order to protect it. The depictions in porn are all based around male fantasies. The reality is different. Sex with a loving partner does not always begin with receiving oral and end in a money shot. Intercourse is never solely about the man's needs, as it so often is in porn. Sex truly is better than porn, but there is a reason that P has such an appeal. It is designed to offer exactly what men think they want, and deliver in many ways that real women are unwilling or unable to do. How else is it meant to stay profitable? Being the best possible partner and lover means putting your own desires second, of hearing and accepting the word 'no', of learning how best to please your partner, not yourself, and being thrilled when and if they want to meet your own needs and desires, in the ways that they are comfortable.

I also don't mean this to come across as overly defensive, as you are totally right that it makes no sense to PMO when you have a willing, loving partner and se is so much better than porn. I have been stupid and misguided whenever I have gone back to P use, but it is not as simple and obvious as you seem to think, and certainly have implied in your post.

 

Do you see that? I 'barely' watched porn when I was in a relationship (meaning that you did watch porn while in a relationship), because I only watch porn when I want to be with a woman. Being in a relationship does not entitle you to sex whenever you feel like it. Consent is important. I can want to have sex with my wife and be turned down. This can happen quite often. Rejection or feeling unwanted by your partner can be frustrating and cause that same loneliness that drives you to porn. The assumption of rejection can also feel this way. A wife is not the ever-wet and ever-willing nymphomaniac that the women in porn are paid to behave as. You already admitted that you did watch some porn when in a relationship. Despite wanting to rid myself of this behaviour, I understand why you did.

I'm not on this site because I have a problem with excessive overuse of porn. I am here because I don't want to ever use it. But situations occur when I feel like I want to watch porn. It is easier, quicker, never says no and is always willing to show me what I want to see. The problem is that P is toxic. It does not give me any of the things that make sex great: I do not feel wanted, loved or respected. There is no intimacy, no reciprocated desire or love. It is an empty, hollow experience that causes me great pain because I know how my wife feels about seeking a physical release this way. To choose to pmo is to choose to hurt her. Despite this being illogical, it has happened in the past. By your own admission, you have done it yourself, however infrequently. How do you think your pmo habits would have changed in a relationship that lasted for over a decade? If you already pmoed in a short relationship, where the initial excitement of meeting a partner is still having a profound effect on your hormones etc, then what do you expect to happen when that wears off? That you will suddenly have fewer urges to pmo?

Try to be more supportive and understanding. Especially when you are criticising behaviour that you have also participated in.