I’m in such a dark place, feeling so empty.

To start I have been trying to stop pmo since around February this year. Have had several streaks. But would reset after about two weeks or so. So I’m struggling with that. And also I’m in a marital separation. We have been separated for a little over two months now. I am suffering from loneliness from lack of pmo. And also literally, from not being around my kids except every other weekend and a few hours a couple days a week. And no female interaction whatsoever ever. I have no friends to talk to. I am not close with my father and I do have a good relationship with my mother, but that’s about it. I am in such a dark place now. I get so anxious I can’t sit still or stay in one place. At the same time I’m so tired and just want to sleep. I would be lieing if I said I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts. On top of both major issues going on in my life it’s unbearable.

Let me say I am of Christian faith. I have spent HOURS and hours praying and reading my Bible, watching sermons, going to church every Sunday, listening to Christian music. It’s not helping me much unfortunately. I am praying for faith, but I’m loosing it. Not in him, but I don’t have faith he is working in my situation. I’m so broken. I’m so hurt. I’m so lonely. I’m so horny. I am craving a females touch. And just to talk to one and her smile at me. Or someone to tell me I’m doing a good job, someone to hug me. Someone to tell me it will be okay...

 

Thank you for your response and kind words. 26 days is huge for me. I used to basically PMO everyday sometimes multiple times l. If it wasn’t for my faith in God and my kids, I’m not sure I would still be here. Relapsing sucks. But that’s actually one of the last things on my mind right now. But that could change any second. I could watch P and it could help numb me to everything going on. It feels like everyone around me is happy. I feel like I’m more depressed about the fact that my family is being torn apart. I could do without P lately. The last few times I relapsed was to just M with no P. Especially if I was in a healthy marriage with a health sex life. That’s where I’m the most lonely. And having no friends or anyone to talk to.

Also I would add that I’m a 6 foot 200 pound guy that has a pretty masculine brain and way of thinking and have not cried much in my life. However the last couple months being separated from my family and being more serious about stopping pmo has literally broke me down in tears sobbing in the floor crying out to god for help. Probably a mix between my brain begging for PMO and being separated from my family. It’s almost too much to handle.

 

Guys thank you all so much. I have needed to read each of these posts. I have never struggled this much in my life. My faith has never been tested this much. It’s been a rollercoaster ride for sure. It’s literally been a spiritual battle inside my heart every day. I have had thoughts of going to bars, hooking up with women, drinking, going to my favorite P sites. I haven’t. I have been praying for my marriage and my wife. Everyday. Even when I didn’t feel like it. I have been nothing but nice to my wife. Sent her flowers. Wrote her a love note on her car. Took her lunch at work. Brought her extra money for her and the kids when she didn’t ask for it. All after she asked me to move out with all my stuff, after she told me she wants divorced. Now she says she’s not sure, and she’s confused. So I’m basically just sitting here, waiting. Knowing god is in control. He knows what’s best for us. I know he is for us. But the devil has had his way with our marriage. If there is any chance we can rebuild. It will be totally of God.

 

Yeah that makes sense. I’m not really sure on a hobby I can do tbh. I have tried to focus on getting back to working out and I know that would help. I work evenings and have been trying to go in the morning when I don’t have my kids. I used to always go after work at night but I was always so tired. Now I’m having a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings. When I have my kids I get up at 730 am fine and see them. But on days like today I don’t see them I don’t get up untill 10 and I lay here with no drive to get up and do anything.

I have tried to read some more. But it’s mainly the Bible or other religion based topics such as on marriage and stuff. I have also started reading the love dare book.

I know it’s not the healthiest thing to get into to but I have started playing a little more video games as well. It’s a nice distraction for my mind though. As long as I do it healthy. Make sure I obviously don’t get addicted to it. And not to put it before anything more important in my life. I just use it as a time waster when I already have nothing else to do. Mainly after work at night. That’s much better that going to a bar after work or something.

Also I woke up several times last night Fully erect. I don’t recall any dreams. But I do sometimes wake up with my hands down there holding myself in my sleep. I don’t know how to stop that.

 

Tbh I’m desiring my wife. Physically, mentally, sexually. But I always have desired her sexually. Even with pmo. I would always be attracted to her. But since I’m not getting anything from her at all. I am struggling with desiring every pretty woman I see. Not even really to have sex with. Because as long as I’m married I see that as cheating, even if we are separated. Especially since I made vows in front of the lord to her. But I do want to talk to a prettt female. Have one be nice to me. Someone to share things with. But the temptation for sex is obviously here and it’s very real. And it’s hard to deny it.

 

I have no idea. If it’s just us alone it’s way past the point imo. Nothing Or no one is too far gone for God. But he has to be in the middle. I have surrendered my marriage to God. She would have to do the same.

I’m sorry you went through it as well. I could see how it would destroy people. It’s a constant battle to not destroy me. I’m struggling hard.

 

So since I didn’t go to the gym this morning and I have been laying in bed. I’ve been more depressed.

Also I would say I have been tempted to look at P this morning. My private is very sensitive. The slightest movement of it against my shorts almost sets me off. I am picturing scenes in my head of memories of stuff I have seen. In real life, and in P. Thinking of going to my favorite website and browsing my favorite categories and wonder what I have missed out on the last month or so.

But I’m denying myself of that! I’m going to get up. Take a shower, try not to touch myself and go to town early before work.

 

I still haven’t relapsed but yesterday I was very tempted. However the loneliness and depression is extremely strong.

 

That’s good man. 50 days is a great accomplishment. Today I’m not really struggling much with urges. But more feeling extremely exhausted. Like I just want to lay around. I have zero energy or drive. Also very depressed and very lonely. Suicidal thoughts for sure.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I will probably take you up on that. I need anyone and everyone I can talk to at the moment. I am struggling for sure. Battling it head on is a great way to look at it. I have probably had like three beers over the past two months. And I have MO’d probably about 6 times. But only to P once. The others were to just mental real life fantasies, of my wife.

I kept MO’ing a few weeks ago thinking it was healthy since after all, I was picturing my wife. I miss seeing her body. Our sex life was terrible. She would give me other releases prolly about once a month. But actual genital to genital sex was so far and few in between I can’t even remmeber how long it was in between sessions. And when we did, I couldn’t hardly even last very long. Not sure if it was mainly because of PME or just because I haven’t felt a woman’s insides in so long.

I hate how I am 30 and I haven’t had a good healthy sex life. Stupid PMO prolbably ruined it. I pray to God for a restored and loving marriage. I pray for a restored and fulfilled sex life inside my marriage. God made sex inside of marriage to be fun and enjoyed. I want me and my wife to both love and enjoy each other.