A squirrely Journal

Kids were bad sick yesterday. I felt bad for Rachie not only did she have to take care of two small sick children during the day, she had to most of the evening because I had school. The day before I did some extra cleaning up and she said that help her through the day. When I got home from school I took care/ hung out with our son, so she could get some rest.

Rachie told me the other day that she can see me starting to get empathy. She said "It's like our 2 year old. You feel something and try to express it but it's not all there yet." This makes me happy because I figure that means growth.

 

I'm a big fan of Sherlock Holmes, so great name.

Good luck on your path to recovery.

 

I have been working on listening and being empathetic tord Rachie this week. I have done a pretty good job. Rachie has said that I have helped her feel better a few times this week.

We did FANOS last night, after we finished FANOS I said we should do 3 things we are thankful for. Rachie and I (me more so) get upset about our situation in life and I felt like saying things we are thankful for everyday would help us be happier.

Tomorrow I am worried about. A year ago tomorrow I tried to kill myself. Rachie is not well. We talked last night about it and she said that she now's it's not true but she's worried something bad is going to happen. Tomorrow I am calling in to work and spending the day with my family. Rachie and I are hoping for a good day to help us fully realize everything is going to be OK.

 

Yesterday was one of the best days Rachie, the kids and I have had in a long time. I called in to work and we went to a play place for kids. There was hardly anyone there and that just made it perfect for us. After we left the kids place we ate lunch then after that we had naps. Then later in the day Rachie and I dropped the kids off with family and we went out. When we got home we made our last car payment. Just in time for Christmas.

Yesterday was one of the best days we have ever had. Looking back at a year ago I was immature, selfish, and inconsiderate. I've changed a lot, I'm still immature, selfish, and inconsiderate at times but I'm learning not to be and life is getting better.

 

This weekend Rachie and I did a lot of shopping. We realized the kids had little to no clothes for winter. Shopping went OK no big fights and we got enough stuff to last at least a few weeks.

Rachie and I used to have big fights when we had to go shopping and there is that uneasy feeling that we will again when we go out. I'm looking forward to the day we can go out and know we are going to be OK. I know it just takes time.

 

Yesterday Rachie and her mom went running around and I stayed home with the kids. I was happy to stay home. During the summer I got used to staying home with the kids once a week and it was lots of fun. We watch cartoons and played games and I would study for a test I had coming up. Also, Rachie would stay out a little late and I would get about an hour of me time. Which last night I needed. About an hour after Rachie left she called and told me her family was making dinner. I told her I just made the kids and myself something for dinner. The plan was for me to go over to my in-laws once dad was done making dinner but I was whining and Rachie could tell I did not won't to go. I expected that I love these nights with the kids and it's been a while since we have gotten to do this. She told me to stay home. I was worried that she would be upset but she really wasn't. Things like this in the past would have ended up in a big fight. I'm starting to realize that I live my life in fear to much wounding when the next big fight will be. Most if not all big fights I start but I also grow up in that kind of environment I lived my life always on edged worried someone would just blow up over any little thing. Rachie not like that but I still have that fear.

 

I have a game back on my phone Rachie knows about it. Last night when I was laying in bed waiting for Rachie and playing on it. She said that was triggering for her. I did not understand at first but after Rachie explained to me I understand. I used to play on my phone instead of spending time with her and she's worried that might happen again. I see were she is coming from I'm going to be more mindful of the phone game.

 

My gaming urges have subsided quite a bit sentence the start of my recovery I feel like the only reason that is is because I have boundaries in place. My wife and my AP helped me come up with them. I let Rachie know what I'm playing and I set a alarm for 20 minutes. When the alarm goes off I get off for at least 5 minutes. Normally I get a snack, clean up around the house, study for a upcoming test, and almost always talked to Rachie (most important because it helps her feel like I'm still her with her.) Also I don't play anything with lots of half or provocative dressed woman in it. So mostly I play kid games typically with my son.

I had to change what gaming was to me. Games could have/ can become a problem I think for any PA. As a PA I know that I have an addictive personality and games give a dopamine rush and even more so when playing for long periods of time.

Good luck on your recovery.

 

This weekend had it's ups and down. My son turned 4 Sunday and he had a really good birthday party.

Rachie and I had some very good talks and I had several revulsion. The biggest one is that at the start of my recovery I started sorting things out both my day to day life and in my mind. I gave Rachie the example of putting things into jars. Without knowing it I put Rachie mental self in one jar and her sexual self in a different jar. I have separated these two things when sexual and mental are the same. I have also separated Rachie and the kids. When Rachie and I are alone without the kids we have a good time. When it is just me and the kids we have a good time. When it's Rachie, the kids and me it is rare that anyone has a good time. I realized that it is my fault we don't have a good time. I don't know what WE look like as a family and I need to figure that out.

 

Yesterday Rachie had a Dr. apartment and I went to. The kids stayed with there grandma so I took advantage of the moment and Rachie and I got something for dinner. Just the two of us and it was fun. When we were at dinner Rachie said "You have been to every appointment with this baby." I said "yes" Then we talked about how with our first two kids I did not go to many of the appointments and how much different it is.

Last night before Rachie and I went to sleep I told her, "In the past I told you that I married you because I new you would make me a better person. Oh and you were good looking. (The last part always felt like a side note.) Then I went through a moment of not wanting to be alone. But now I'm with you because I love you." I was scared to tell Rachie all that but after I did I could tell Rachie needed to know that I just love her.

 

Yesterday Rachie and I did not do FANOS. Normally we do FANOS everyday. We were so tired we just wanted to go to bed last night. The funny thing before we went to bed we sat on the couch and talk about our day. Are feeling, things each other did for the other (adoration), things we need to happen, times we messed up (ownership), and problems we had struggled with that day. I find it funny that even though we said we were going to do FANOS we did FANOS. Every since we have started doing FANOS we have started talking more. Our conversations are more and deeper than ever and I love it.

Yesterday in the car Rachie said "You are so much more aware of yourself and that's hot. It's like since the start of recovery you have been learning all this new stuff but you did not know what to do with it. So you took it and put it in a box and here in the past few weeks you took the box back out and are like, "Oh I know we're that goes." Rachie telling me this made me so happy.

 

Last night Rachie told me about something that is hurting her from the past. I did not respond well. I said somethings that hurt her without meaning to. After a long minute I started to be more understanding but by that time it was to late and Rachie was too hurt to feel better.

Out of everything recovery related I struggle with being understanding and empathetic towards Rachies pain I have caused from the past.

 

I worked Saturday then after work I went home and Rachie went out with her sister. After she left I cleaned up around the house until she got home then we watched TV.

Sunday we went to church. After church we went home and had a nap. After our nap we went and hung out with friends.

The big problem with this weekend is Rachie and I were at each other all off and on. For some reason. I just stayed upset most of this weekend and felt overwhelmed.

 

Yesterday Rachie had a bad day. The kids were acting up and were sick. When I got home I was not much help because I had class last night. After class I went home and put my son down to bed and Rachie and I watched TV. Later I told her that "I am sorry you had a bad day. I just realized that most of the time I only think of when I'm here. You have had a heard day with the kids and I'm sorry." she said "Thank you for noticing."

It mite not seem like a big deal for me to have said what I said to Rachie but inside I was really upset that she had such a bad day. Inside I was really sad and thank this is my first time to really feel true empathy for her.

 

Last night Rachie and I talked about need to talk more. We have let some stuff slid again and need to do more then watched TV together.

 

Thursday Rachie and I found out that we are having a boy and he looks super healthy.

Friday and Saturday I got some overtime. I have been getting a lot of overtime here lately and it's putting a strange on Rachie. Saturday is a day Rachie looks forward to because it's one day that she has some extra help with the kids. For her it's like having a day off. We have been trying to figure out a way to let some of that presser off of her but keep coming up against a wall.

Sunday was OK. Went to church, went home then went out to eat. We did not get home until close to 9 o'clock. My AP called when I was out but I was not were I could talk at that time. On Sundays we call but here in the last few weeks we keep missing each other.

 

Yesterday Rachie was stressed out and needed some time away from the house. So I stayed home from school and spent the night with the kids. When Rachie got home she was in a much better mood and that made me happy.

My dad called and text me yesterday. My dad is not in my life I kicked him out some time ago. Long story short I don't trust him. He called/ text saying he needs help because he needs a phone number I have so he can call the police, then he went on about leaving on the streets and trying to help some people out of an abusive situation. My dad is schizophrenic and bipolar and by the way he was talking (and the fact that he needed a phone number so he could call the police, when he obviously already has a phone.) Tells me that he is having an episode. Rachie and I talked for a little while and I told her everything I was feeling and not feeling that I felt like I should be feeling. When we were done we agreed that not having opening conversation back up was what I should do.