I don't understand

I've lost all sense of self-worth or purpose in life. I started medicating my sexual abuse with porn when I was a pre-teen. It turned to just anal stuff by the time I was 16. Never progressed beyond that. I regularly did this at work and I've done it in public restrooms and while driving. I quit porn six months ago. I was in a four-year relationship and hid it the whole time. I'm having the hardest time ever. I was recently hospitalized for suicidal ideations because of this. I feel like I don't know who I am. My life is a joke. I don't understand. I can't look the person I love in the eyes knowing everything I've willingly gotten off to. I don't even understand it myself. The fantasies they put in porn make me sick. I don't want to know all these names. We broke up and got back together a month later and planned to get married. Then the images and flashbacks came back. I feel like I can't enjoy every day life. I'm in a group day program right now but it's for suicidal people not porn addiction so it doesn't help.

 

Thank you. It's been really really hard. My girlfriend is such a beautiful person who truly loved me (still does). Her parents and my parents know about my addiction and they're all very supportive. I really wanted to marry her. But this sense of shame tells me I don't deserve it when she's around. I got off to shit that was straight up wrong dude. While I was dating her. I watched women who aren't even a fraction as beautiful as she is do disgusting shit on a regular basis. She's such an amazing and caring person and she said she's forgiven me but I just don't think I deserve her dude. I would feel like I'm getting away with something. I can't look her in the eyes knowing I got off to babysitter porn or "I wanna ******** your daughter" or whatever else I was watching. Really fucked my head up. I told her the truth and quit watching six months ago (relapsed once when she dumped me). Now I'm left with all the vivid memories I was suppressing all along and realizing the full extent of my deception. And the worst part is I'm beating myself up so bad that everyone is giving me PITY which just fucks me up even worse. The upside is that I'm realizing the full impact my abuse and neglect had on me and the course of my life for the first time and so is my family. But I've been alive for 23 years and they've all been fucked up behind the scenes for me so it's hard to rebuild, especially after losing everything I valued the most in life. Feeling real low, like an unloveable freak who doesn't deserve shit. I've really tried to find faith in God and Christ, but I know I'll never be the churchy type and I don't want to half-ass it just for my own benefit. I just want to be transparently me to everyone and not feel so much shame all day long

 

Thanks man, but we aren't engaged anymore and aren't dating either, so it's making it really hard not to be thinking about myself right now. The whole reason we are apart is so that I can work on myself and my mental health. I think I might have lost her for good this time. The pressure of this coupled with the memory of what brought me here is a really huge daily burden that's impeding my ability to get out and live life. Just feeling stuck. It's nice to help people as much as I can in group, and I'll try to do that here too. But like most people on here I'm looking for good advice so I appreciate it.