My Journal (Day 7): Daily Musings and Recollections, The Confession

Day 7
Woke up this morning a little grumpy that there was work and no confidant, still it wasn't that bad and I started off my morning okay. I was wrong when I thought work yesterday was busy. Today was particularly busy, that I got a little stressed out, but I looked at the bright side and saw that being busy helped take away my random thoughts that are potential triggers, still I don't foresee myself working at this job for long, the high job demands doesn't deserve their slightly than lower market pay (and its a government job!) and their work is so damn low order thinking I wish I could be just more intelligent.
OK enough of my rants, now that I have abstained from PMO for this long, I just realised I may have been edging all these while, OK I will explain more of that in the confession later *winks*
writer's notes: first time readers please read my journal entries so that you will feel the climax (UMm not literally) when you read my revelation further down. You can turn back now, yea now. I promise you its worth the wait.
Welp, for the rest here goes nothing...










The Confession
After 4 years of porn I felt no great kicks anymore, I craved something stronger, prostitute pixels meant nothing to me after fapping around once and sometimes twice if I can manage daily. Heck, I fap whenever I felt like it, my mind wanted more, my body couldn't manage it, but I still gave the go-ahead. I fapped till my dick hurts and barely any shit came out, I was literally desensitized at that point.
It was then that I made the most foolish decision, I chose to blur the lines between fantasies and reality- I became a voyeur. OH come on now, I can literally hear some of you guys giving groans of disappointment, after all, you may think that voyeurism is so damn common but I think voyeurism is the worst decision I have made because of its far reaching consequences.
Initially, it started off seemingly innocent to unaware bystanders, just a naughty hobby of stalking female friends and friends of friends on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. But I knew better, I took those faces and imagined that I was having real sex with them, and masturbated to them. I even imagined in my brain their attire, inner garments, voices, personality, foreplay, DAMMIT HOW COULD I HAVE THOUGHT OF THESE DESPICABLE THINGS?! Voyeurism has imprisoned me for 3 years of my life till now when I am determined to fight back and end it once and for all.
To add salt to my own wounds, I am a horrible horrible hypocrite as I publicly stated that Instagram are for stalkers, so that I can deceive myself that I am more morally upright than other people, but truth is I am a freaking voyeur and stalker in cyberspace. The desperation to achieve the ever harder highs in voyeurism also culminated in me creating fake Facebook accounts to add beautiful girls in my school, I even spent time building up the false identity by adding pictures and mutual friends, hell do I deserve to die.
oh and I also remember once I actually slipped off during lessons stating toilet as an excuse just so that I could run to the hallways while everyone is in their classrooms to steal a picture of a hot girl from the Rugby interest group notice board. The excitement of getting caught sure made me hornier and I fapped to my ”well-earned” bounty in the nearby toilet. When my friends asked why I took so long and why I looked so sweaty I gave a pathetic excuse of a stomach problem. They believed me since I carefully groomed my image to look like some kind of morally upright man since day one of school.
Even till this day, I am ashamed to confess all these even behind the veil of anonymity the Internet provides. If I could time travel, I would have given my past self a good kick in the balls, I would rather wish to live as an eunuch than to live a life of this guilt, but it is too late now and I have to learn to accept the shadow of my past now.

Matthew 18:8-9
"If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; it is better for you to enter life crippled or lame, than to have two hands or two feet and be cast into the eternal fire. If your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out and throw it from you. It is better for you to enter life with one eye, than to have two eyes and be cast into the fiery hell.

I am sorry to say but I have defrauded many of my female friend's husbands. Remember when I said that I was socially awkward around my female friends? It was also caused by voyeurism, I mean to say, you fap to your friend and you meet her hours laTer in the school? I was unable to distinct my fantasies from real life, take that in contrast to the first time I watched porn, I vowed to myself that I would be able to compartmentalise my porn life from my daily life, hell was I totally wrong.
Now that I started on this rebooting process, I no longer watch porn nor do I pursue my imagination actively. What is left of my voyeurism now is still some habitual surfing of instagram news feeds, but I am already weaning off them, hopefully one day I will get totally off the hook. Fine, I also confess I look out for hot girls, BUT i am trying not to ever harder day by day.
And that's my life with porn thus far, I hope you have enjoyed my journal series albeit the abrubt ending, I am still not ready to accept and go into detail of my horrid voyeurism, maybe next time when I learn to reconcile with my past mistakes.
Now that I am done recounting my life, I suppose future job entries would focus on the rehabilitation process as well as some strategies I pick up along the way to fight my urges.
Till then, stay strong people!

 

Actually to clarify, voyeurism itself wasn't wasn't my biggest regret, but what I did (as a voyeur) to my crush, it is gonna be a long post and I would probably cover that in tomorrow's entry.

 

Actually no, I don't bother to post much instagram photos nowadays since I'm not an avid photo taker save for significant or memorable events I think worth reminiscing. Alright Im gonna delete Instagram till I know it is never going to be a trigger, thanks for the awesome advice!

 

I do think Im worser than the devil since the devil doesn't even commit adultery, but I did what I did, and there's only one path for me now - forward.

 

Do let's! I have sent friend request, I suppose building good time management is a plus, I sometimes feel urges when its late into the night, everything's quiet and I am not in meditation. Those stray thoughts are real pesky.