My Story/Where I am now

This is a very positive post... my heartfelt best wishes to you

 

Be strong brother and don't give up the fight. All the best.

 

I have kind of a similar situation, but i don't exactly know if my mother had a borderline personality or what else. She was surely unloving, cold and harsh, but for what i know she's mentally ok.

So i don't know if my situation is that bad but i surely understand the implication that had in your life.

 

Well, I am not so sure about that. But to me it came "naturally," in my younger-ish years as I realized I had more stress to deal with in my life. But I guess your story goes different. Welcome aboard.

 

I agree that escalation is a thing, I experienced it myself with what I was viewing and how often. I think for people with severe trauma in their past, this addiction is slightly different. I think people with a traumatic past end up with a fixation closely tied psychologically to the nature of their past suffering. This, coupled with exposure to and normalization of the fantasies portrayed in porn, it leaves all of us confused and disgusted with ourselves. I was raped and molested by a teenager when I was five. I carried this with me, had an unavailable father and mother, and an emotionally abusive and neglectful step-father ever-present in my life. I constantly faced rejection as a late-bloomer as well. My isolation and broken sexuality are almost as old as I am. I think my anal fixation actually saved me, because that was what I needed to feel power over my victimization and suppress the effects of PTSD. This meant I didn't delve any further. This abuse and addiction cost me my life as I know it. I was engaged to a beautiful and loving woman less than a month ago, who, despite knowing everything, no longer wants to speak to me because I cannot forgive and love myself with all the guilt and shame I carry. I put her through the ringer and sabotaged everything, and I've been porn-free for six months with one reset! Stopping the behavior is not a change. Self-compassion is hard to cultivate in a world that wants to condemn you and will never understand. It is brave to give yourself permission to forgive the victim you were and no longer be him. The emotional wounds we carry are exacerbated by porn use and the pornography wants us to believe we will always be broken. Recognizing and healing these wounds is essential, not to be viewed as a cop-out but as the problem that breeds the symptom. It is the very essence of addiction and self-loathing. I have started to mourn for that five year old boy for the first time in my life and forgive him for thinking it was his fault- that he never should have thought he was gay or that he had to be alone- that porn was who he was at his core. Being honest with ourselves about our needy and pathetic reasons for doing this is the only way to freedom. Today you are new, all is forgiven and looking back is okay, but not where you need to live. I encourage you to further discover your wounds and how the impact the way you think. Only then can you begin to heal them and exercise the art of thinking differently. It's a hard thing for many of us: I've personally been thinking one way for 17 years and I can't change that overnight- it's a war of endurance and gratitude. It's a non-linear battle against one's self that we all deserve victory over.