90 days today - what it means

wow this comment means so much to me. that's what's great about this community - there were times where i've come close to giving in but didn't after reading another fapstronaut's post. it's amazing being on the other side of that.

in terms of being in a relationship by Nov. 1st, honestly one of my primary motivations was to secure myself in the nofap lifestyle, cuz i know when i see someone, my urges go down to 0, at least in the one or two relationships ive been in. however, im realizing i shouldn't place any mental dependence on that, and should learn to be strong on my own.

but i still want to be in a relationship, for a host of reasons. one of them being that i feel like im ready.

i started talking to someone, and it was going really great and i saw real potential, but it ended up not working out. she kinda switched up on me and told me she wasn't looking for a relationship rn. this happened a little less than a week ago. still hurts, thinking about it a lot. but once my emotions stabilize, i'll start thinking about dating again.

 

from my journal today (https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/kobe-24-my-journal.149247/):



day 119

what a roller coaster of a month. October was wild.

my confidence has dipped. and this morning i experienced (and am still experiencing?) my first real urge to pmo since starting this amazing streak.

i'm hurting rn.

met somebody on tinder around day 87, started really talking around day 93. it ended around 105. those two and a half weeks were amazing, we really hit it off, and had what i felt was a great chemistry.

then she went on a trip to san fransisco, and on our date when she came back, she was different. i asked if she was looking for a relationship, and she said if you woulda asked me a week ago my answer woulda been so different, but this trip changed my life. and when she dropped me off to campus, she didn't come out of car to give proper hug and we havent corresponded since. i actually reached out and sent her my regards on text a couple days ago, no response. then i noticed she unfollowed me the other day.

crazy how you could be talking and texting and facetiming someone day to day and things are great, and the next day she switch up on you and ties are cut and it's over.

i feel for her and do care about her. i know she might not have ever cared for me really. she was sweet and nice, but she ran game on me. she's a veteran at a game i dont have the stomach to play. never really heard her utter my name once now that i think about it, actually i was aware of that dating.

what's funny is that when she was on her trip, i was having doubts about whether i'd wanna be serious w her, bc she was being type self-centered on text during her trip. but i was giving the benefit of the doubt and was willing to have a conversation. well, we kinda didn't, she said her piece, and i was never invited to say mine.

and that was that.

if she didn't do it to me that night tho, i might've done it to her like a week after, after thinking about it and realizing i didnt wanna be w her.

it's just funny how it still hurts me two weeks after the fact. and how you want what you can't have.

idk just peeping her stories since our break, and the fact that she unfollowed me - really severing any type connection id have w her again in our lives. to me that's so permanent and sad.

not the life i wanna lead.

i can't just exterminate people like that. but maybe that's what's healthiest for her. and i respect that.

God i need you to pull me through this. my confidence has really diminished since this. my energy, my love for life. i dont wanna relapse.

day 120 i wanna give my word but part of me really wants to revert back to this addiction for some solace for some comfort for some good feeling for some escape for some whatever

 

Let's keep going fam