couple thoughts and issues

so I'm currently no day 44 I believe no pm, and I have not watched porn for about 5 months, I myself don't get much of any urges to watch porn but masturbating is a different story, I find myself constantly battling in my head that it is actually healthy to masturbate as a lot of therapists and doctors say so, I have a decent grasp on fighting those urges, but then I start that same argument in my mind,

also, im having difficulty telling the difference between libido and urges, I've always thought I had a huge libido but time away from p has told of otherwise, I would love to initiate sex with my wife(we have had sex 4 times since my reset) but on the other hand I don't want it to be because I have an urge to masturbate, because I would much rather have her. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.... help?

 

it started off as just the p was a big deal, she felt betrayed, confused, due to the fact that my p usage got the best of me and led me down a path of online affairs, and ts fantasies, those I can assure you are now a thing of my past, we have definitely grown intimately and have bonded throughout this process and continue to do so. I have also told her that my urges consist of like 95% just wanting to masturbate, and that very seldom have an urge for porn,(we have come to an agreement that porn is cheating), also those urges to masturbate come once a week or so, and I have been able to control them by bettering my life in other aspects.

if able to control it and become at peace with the past, is it ok to masturbate? also understanding that it could be a very slippery slope

 

I wouldn't say it's stealing my drive, in the last 2 months I have made huge leaps forward in becoming the man I know I was born to be, the man I THOUGHT I was before, and it feels great, I love it when she tells me she is proud of me and appreciates all the work I have been doing, I hope it just isn't my mind trying to rationalize masturbating

 

just had a thought, what is the exact definition of rationalize? to find something good which suits you in a bad situation?

all my rationalizations I made to get to this point were horrible, ''well she's not real'', ''it's not physical'','' I would never do that in real life'', ''why shouldn't I?'', '' it's not hurting anyone'' or the worst one ever..''if I don't say anything, it's not lying''

so I guess if I talk to my wife before hand and we come to an agreement, it all depends on the relationship and boundaries?

 

I agree, me and my wife have genuinely deep conversations that we would have never had, i.e., I now have a relationship with my father who I have been disowning for most of my life

 

thanks for that, you make very valid points, usually when we have deep talks she is the one who initiates them, like 80% of the time, we are also practicing transparency in our relationship, so that being said I think I Will talk to my sponsor about it then initiate the conversation with her, I do know my sponsor will say it's bad and addictive which can lead to further acting out and I agree,(that's why most of us are here) but on the other hand I also think it depends on the relationship itself and where boundaries come in to play, bringing issues/struggles up to her is always hard but I know it's what she wants most of all is complete transparency and honesty,

she said if I do fuck up, don't hide it and just be honest because lying is what hurt her the most, and she accepts the fact that I might(but doesn't want me to obviously) and I'm not using that as a way out,

 

amen to that, the saying ''it's easier to ask for permission than to beg for forgiveness'' says it all, with a couple differences I suppose

but you are right, I know she will be glad I'm coming to her,

after all, some of us are here because we didn't go to our wives/s.o, in a time of need,, well not anymore!!!