1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 283:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night, I think my previous post nudged him a bit and we started the night with a slow dance, then he gave me a nice sensual full body massage and dedicated quite a bit of time concentrating only on my pleasure, as he used to at the beginning of recovery, when we were reconnecting for the first time. It felt really good and while he was doing this, he was also making me quite emotional by telling me so many kind words of gratitude, perhaps even giving me way too much credit than I believe I deserve for his progress in recovery. I think he has really put in a lot of work, if he didn't push himself to do it, nothing I said would have had any effect in my opinion, as I told him - it takes his motivation, I'm only there for support and encouragement. Whatever I can do to help him become the man he was always meant to be, I want to help him get there!

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Jim Rohn: Stop Wishing Start Working", where he goes through the importance of ambition and dreams. How you can't just dream of a goal and wait for someone to make it happen, you need to put in the work to make your goals and dream happen. Don't wish for it to be easier, don't complain if it doesn't always go your way at first, just keep going and it will happen for you through hard work and persistence.

    This morning we walked and relistened to the BAE podcast: "Ep: 33 The First Steps in Healing", sometimes we like to relisten to old content and see how much we've grown, what we're doing right (or wrong) and what we've learned by this point. We took from this podcast, that you must heal yourself through positive routines and self-care because that is all you can control (yourself/not others) and it is the only way you can help anyone else, when you become healthy, mentally as well as physically. When you replace the bad old habits, with new good habits you ultimately create lifestyle changes and it is when you make those lifestyle changes, that you are less likely to put yourself back into the old environment that caused your addiction to form/grow and fester in the first place.

    He had his first session with his new therapist, he likes him so far because he actually asked the right questions, or questions in general and didn't wait for Wade to move the conversation. Then after they spoke, he immediately sent him a session evaluation, which the previous woman did not and even a relapse prevention worksheet to fill out. I hope he is a good fit for him!

    Later today we have a child's birthday dinner to go to, hopefully, that will not be too much of a headache, but we shall see. I'm tired and would rather sleep! LOL.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Finally finished putting down our monthly bills/budget in's and out's! now we can go through it and see what we can cut!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivation
    Jim Rohn: STOP YOUR NEGATIVE THINKING



    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 284:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night we over a friends home to celebrate their child's fourth birthday, so we got home late, took Wade a while to finish his journal - I finished mine earlier in the day. By the time we got the kids in bed for the night, he finished his journal etc., it was already almost 10 pm. I was exhausted, my body has been out of whack all week, so we just watched some Netflix, relaxed and he rubbed my feet which made me feel good. Then I went to bed.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Kim Perell: Making Things Happen", which was about making things happen, rather than waiting for things to happen. Setting goals, like actually writing them down and working on something to get "there" every day, even if it's in little chunks. Sort of like "biting off a piece of the elephant".

    This morning I walked alone because he had to sleep in before doing a double shift tonight. I took the time to listen to the podcast "Creating Intimacy in Marriage" by BAE and it was a great one and I think something @Wade W. Wilson should listen to when he has some free time. I think he will find some similarities that we are currently experiencing as well as recall some of the same issues we use to have too, it was eye-opening, as BAE's content usually is. Just Brandon's opening gave me chill's because, word for word, he described our entire marriage until we began this recovery... "A lot of people live in loveless marriages and they just survive and don't really have intimacy or connection and get through the years, raise kids and that's that... I think a lot of people live this way, you know, they find a comfortable place in marriage where there's not a ton of conflict but there's also not a lot of intimacy and connection and you know we get stuck in that rut and I don't think any of us got married hoping to have a roommate, you know we want something more out of marriage" THAT right there is so true, I know a lot of couples on this forum can attest to it as well. When I finally hit my rock bottom back in January, I realized that I couldn't stay stuck in that rut any longer, I wanted happiness, real love, connection, and intimacy, I mean life is too short to stay miserable! -- so I was done with that old way of living. This last cruise proved to me and I think him too, that there is a HUGE difference, even in a vacation when you are 'connected' vs 'disconnected', even watching tv together is drastically different. I don't want to feel so empty, ever again.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Bloated and feeling like crap, still did my dailies!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivation
    Denzel Washington's Speech Will Leave You SPEECHLESS



    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
     
  3. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 285:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night he was at work, and we didn't get to talk during the day because he had to work an extra shift... he did call me later on but we didn't have too much time to talk because it was late and I was about to go to sleep (passing out state). He did have a chance to tell me about something he has now done three times and I am so proud of him for, he has been volunteering himself when participation is required to help, answer a question or partake in an activity - something in the past he avoided at all costs (and I still do because I don't like to bring attention to myself). He is really showing great progress in this department! and it shows that he is taking what he is learning through self-care seriously because he is actually applying those lessons that he is learning, in real-world experiences. He did so at a job event before our trip, then during our cruise at one of the kid's events, now again at another work event. Then he said, another situation arose, where he went out for a smoke, some random stranger was irate on the phone cursing, screaming and by all accounts acting crazy... what normally I (and he) would have walked away from - this time, he went up to this guy after he hung up the phone and asked him if he was all right and needed to talk, they talked for a few minutes and that guy thanked him and said he appreciated him lending him an ear. As I said, this is so moving and I'm just in awe. I told him I was proud of him, he is inspiring me with all of these changes he is making. Side note: I probably wouldn't come up to a random guy ranting on the phone, at night, alone anyway, but that's because I am paranoid as a woman, but still. For me, this is how I am really starting to see that the changes are real - it's about this stuff, seeing his actions, seeing him complete his dailies, seeing his excitement when he feels accomplished for the day, rather than just me having to ask first and just hearing "no urges or triggers today, we good? cool". I'm very proud of Wade. :)

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Mel Robbins: Victim or Victor", where Mel Robbins the author of The 5 Second Rule explains exactly why the 5-second rule works so incredibly well. There are two kinds of people, those who believe everything happens to them and those who believe everything happens for them. It really makes a difference, how you go after your goals or set out to accomplish your tasks. Your brain is designed to stop you from changing, it's designed to protect you from doing things that are uncertain, scary or new - because it wants to avoid discomfort, it's scientifically proven and there are thousands of terms for it. If you hesitate for more than 5 seconds to do anything, your brain will automatically stop you from doing whatever you've set out to do, so if you want to do anything, count down from 5 and just do it, don't wait. I love Mel Robbins <3 #MakingHabits -- everyone should listen to this podcast, it's a must.

    This morning I walked alone because he needed to head straight to bed, we had a Pokemon Go community day event today. We did see each other before I headed out and he told me that he had a really busy night, finished his journal late and as he was writing, he realized that we completely missed out daily talk and it made him kind of feel panic attack symptoms, that he wanted to talk about it tonight. I know what he means, I felt really weird/off the first few days of the cruise when things were thrown out of balance, but then it was just so out of whack, I got used to it and then when we got home, we were talking at random times throughout the day, not at night we didn't really set back into a pattern that I kind of normalized that, so for me I didn't feel that sensation yesterday, the way I felt it the first few days of the cruise. I went on my walk and began listening to a few podcasts from BAE but one really stood out to me "Ep 36: Framework of Separation" I guess because that's what I tried to do, but it didn't work out as planned for me, and of course for Wade's benefit at first LOL. I was all set for it, planned for an in-house separation while we had to wait for our eldest for apply for HS's and make it into one, then we could formally file for divorce and go our separate ways. Then all of a sudden he starts recovery, I start falling for him again, both of us start reconnecting out of nowhere and we jump right into things again - so, that in-house separation I planned didn't happen heh. It's for the best I think, that's how I feel now, because of how things progressed and developed both of us are on such life-changing self-care journey's of our own and even together, as well as applying those lessons to our family/family dynamic. It's been a wild ride, but I guess a necessary one. I think Coby's and Ashlynn's end quotes in that podcast really help verbalize the point clearly and I think, I'm beginning to realize their points more and more, with every new day and learning experience. "It's important that the old relationship die - for true new beginnings to happen" - Coby and when she gets asked why she stayed after he disclosed the second affair when everyone knows, once a cheater, always a cheater, she says: "Once a cheater, always a cheater yes - unless you do the work, that makes everything different" - Ashlynn, so profound for me...

    When he woke up we went to the mall so we could participate in that Pokemon Go community event because it was too windy and cold to go to the park. Who's bright idea was this again? oh mine, right, cause I need to catch these freaking Pokemon, FML. Thanks, PokeGods - the mall on a Saturday afternoon, when it's shitty outside and close to the holidays, FUN TIMES! lol, couldn't be a Tuesday at 10 am, huh? There were a lot of women there, I mean there are a lot of women everywhere, all the time, there really is no escape from these threats/triggers for me, if we are being realistic. It's not like my triggers are freaking Eskimos, so I could just avoid going to Alaska and I'd be golden. My triggers are more than half the population and someone could set me off at any given moment, at any given time, at any given place - whenever wherever, sigh. Anyway... we went to the carousel so he could take our girls for a ride and there were are few women who apparently forgot they were at a mall and not at a 50 cent concert, so of course my brain got {triggered} because they were right next to him, so I know he noticed and probably couldn't help but slip too. When he got on the carousel, I had placed an earbud in my ear and began listening to music to ground myself (and it worked) and then I got a text from him to brush my hair to the side. That confused me a bit, I was like holy shit, talk about eagle eyes! he could see that I had an earbud/wire sticking out or was too noticeable from over there? sheesh. Then he told me he just liked how my hair looked when it lays on its side LOL I was about to say! aha.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: I got triggered at the mall today, popped in my headphones, and I was in the middle of a dance club all eyes on me and by the time the song was done, my trigger was gone!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivation
    Mel Robins: How to win your day!



    Mel Robins: Why you need an evening routine!


    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 286:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night we talked about the podcasts we listened to, our day and night earlier (revisited his double shift, how proud I was of him and all of his noticable changes) and the significant changes we've both been striving for. He asked me how I felt I did at the mall because of all the people/with my triggers and I told him about it, he said I seemed to get over it quickly (compared to previous times) because he noticed my mood was better by the time we sat down for dinner. I told him, maybe, but who knows - these triggers and my reactions are so random and unpredictable, yesterday it was this way, tomorrow it could be another. He also told me about something else interesting at work, his co-worker, his notorious ogling 'partner in crime' for months, noticed some hot woman and pointed her out, then Wade brushed it off and his coworker made a remark like "oh yeah, I forgot you don't look at girls anymore" or something like that. Wade took it as a compliment and I agree, I guess the outside world is also picking up on the changes he is making through this recovery.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Steve Rizzo: Enjoy Your Life", where he talks about remembering to enjoy your life as you work toward your goals. This was, in my opinion, one of the best ones I've heard so far, I don't know why this one clicked with me so much - perhaps it is because I have a big problem with enjoying the process {of anything I do} I want, no, I need to get to the end goal ASAP... I mean all of these speakers and podcasts are all so great, but his message just resonated with me so much. His major point, well my take away was that most of us, (especially me) spend so much time stressing out over "getting there", that we lose sight of all the little steps, milestones, joys, moments along the way to whatever "that" may be, that we don't enjoy it anything along the way, all we do is stress out that nothing is happening fast enough. I mean, most of the time, I want to avoid the process altogether and just get to the end result, I've always been that way and then, when I finally get it, I feel so deflated when its nothing like I thought it would be, I bet this happens to others too -- you all need to listen to his example, he used Rodney Dangerfield and his career and it is such a good story, he really put things in perspective, good life lesson to take in - the sooner the better.

    This morning he wanted to relisten to BAE's podcast "Creating Intimacy in Marriage" together, so we could pause and discuss various points together. We both had listened to it solo, he said he had so many parts he wanted to talk about, but kept forgetting where because he was listening and driving, so he couldn't take notes. So, this made more sense, so that's what we did. He also told me that the Mel Robbins 7 Good Minutes (he's a few casts behind me) he listened to was awesome, we're considering relistening to some of them together at some point, might be fun to discuss those too... especially since both of us are on this self-care kick.

    Man, today was a really draining and exhausting day for me... as I sit here writing my journal, I am listening to classical music just to decompress my brain. We are training the little one to sleep without pull-ups at night, so she had an accident, kept me up since 3 am, she is also sick with a bad persistent cough, my parents were over all day to "be helpful" and I appreciate that, but that also means I have not had a moment of silence (nonstop talking, complaining, venting, life lessons etc...) or even one minute to myself since 3 am and my brain is on overload. If anyone needs to decompress I really recommend this mix of classical music, it's so relaxing: "The Best of Classical Music – Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Chopin, Tchaikovsky", enjoy.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: I didn't go ballistic today, even though I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders all day.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivation
    Enjoying The Process Of Getting To Your Goal With Steve Rizzo



    #Relax


    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
    Walter Milowski likes this.
  5. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 287:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night I was exhausted, so Wade decided since we spoke in the morning, to skip the nightly talk and we just watched some shows while he gave me a nice and soothing foot rub.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Brian Tracy: Achieve Your Goals", where he provides some of the excellent insight he is known for; the hardest part to achieving any goal, is taking that first step. First, you need to let go of your fears and self-limiting beliefs, because they are not always based on reality. You need to believe and repeat to yourself "if I had no limitations, what goals would I set for myself?". The hardest part of success is taking the first step - in the direction you want to go. When you write your goals down clearly - they take on a power of their own, you pull them out of the air where they have no substance at all and write them down on a paper and now you have something you can touch - but it must be detailed, specific and with reachable milestones etc., now you have something to strive for. <<< Much like the "Elephant Habit" system mentioned in my current book "Habit Stacking". Also, make another list of what is holding you back from achieving the goal, but always start with yourself: what skills are YOU missing? learn something to get closer to that goal you want to achieve!

    This morning we skipped the walk and took our little one to the pediatrician. It felt weird to skip my walk and kind of threw me off balance, during the car ride, Wade shared the same sentiment too, both of us have been so run down lately between our own issues, coming off the stress of the cruise, readjusting to him going back to work and our little one is sick. At least I know we have to go grocery shopping today, so I looked at that as my little silver lining lol. I can not believe I am actually looking forward to grocery shopping, like WTF lmao, BUT I'll get to spend a little kid-free time with Wade, do a little shop kicking and get some steps in for the day too #winning.

    I'm just feeling so blah, I gave myself a pedicure last night and destroyed my lower back in the process, I wish I was a billionaire and had people to do things for me lol. Old age ailments go awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg lol, At least those 7 good minute podcasts have been inspiring me to rethink a lot of things lately, really helping me change my perspective, some with those profounding two quotes from the BAE podcast, especially from Ashlynn. #brainhurts #toomuchthinking

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Cleaned out the fridge, something I usually leave for Wade to do!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivation
    Brian Tracy - 3 Ways to Stay Motivated in Any Situation:



    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 288:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night he gave me a nice back rub, but before he began he told me that he needed to talk to me about something, so I began getting nervous "what could it be!?"... so reluctantly, I laid down and he began the massage and told me about something that has been bothering him for the last two days. I'm not sure if I brought it up in my journal, but just for clarity: in the middle of the night, two days ago my little one had an accident (we're weaning off the pull-ups) and then she couldn't fall back asleep, therefore I couldn't go back to sleep, it was a long ass night, so I went on my phone and saw a text from Wade, so I responded and let him know I was suffering. I never heard back. Long story short, this was triggering, because this was what he use to do, all the time in the past - ignore me, because everything and everyone else was always more important. A few hours later he sends me a text about something else, meanwhile I've been simmering for a few hours now, so I'm responding with an attitude and then he asks "how did you sleep?" and I say "are you kidding me?" and then he calls me and we talk, I told him to scroll up and read what I wrote earlier etc. He claims that he never got the message, on my phone though it says that the message was delivered and "read". He still swears he never got it, I don't know - I told him "ok" and we hung up. He has been pretty honest in recent months and we've been open about everything - so I decided to give him the benefit of doubt and trust that the message never went through. I had to give myself a pep talk and stop myself from doing what I would have done in the past just to prove it to myself, to prove myself right and that he is not to be trusted. The old me, as soon as I hung up, I would have logged onto the carrier's website, looked up the logs and researched - tried to figure out if his phone did or did not receive my message, hoping to find that he was lying, so I could show it to him as further evidence. This time, I had to have some serious self-talk, I had to call upon my self-care lessons and remind myself "we are in a different place right now", "I am trying to be different" "he is trying to be different", if I want to ever trust him again, when I say I'm giving him the benefit of doubt, it has to be just that, I can't tell him or myself "I will give you the benefit of doubt on this" and then turn around and investigate it anyway, because then that means I'm lying to us both, and I'm not giving him that trust, I'm still repeating my old suspicious past behaviors, if I allow myself to do that, I'm never going to change and that defeats the whole purpose of what I'm striving for these days. It's difficult for me, it really is. Anyway, I didn't do it, I didn't cross reference what he said, I took him at his word and let it go, moved on. So, he told me that something has been on his chest for these two days and if he didn't tell me, he was afraid it would continue to fester and cause him to act out in some way, resent me or who knows what - all he knows is it was eating him up inside, didn't know what to do with it but he knew the right thing to do was to bring it up to me. He said he was upset that after I said "okay" when he told me he never received my message - we just dropped the topic, and I never apologized to him for jumping to the conclusion that he ignored me this time. I explained to him my thought process, my self-talk and everything I went through, just to come to terms with giving him the benefit of doubt, after getting triggered - I think he understood my breakdown but I did apologize to him, because I didn't let him in on that process either, I kept it to myself, as I normally always do/did - but he's not in my head and doesn't know the clusterfuck going on in there half the time. I didn't think to let him know that I decided to give him the benefit of doubt, I assumed it was obvious from my behavior towards him afterward, that I am okay now and I "took care of it" aka battled it out in my head and he wouldn't need to give it a second thought. I'm not used to letting anyone into my thought process, it is difficult enough having to think ahead and explain my actions sometimes, to make sure he doesn't assume or jump to conclusions unnecessarily, now I will need to try and let go of my "fix it on your own and move on" mode, that won't be easy for me. It was a good talk, we also spoke about some supermarket triggers, but I think I wrote enough here lol.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Jake Ducey: Handling Negative People", where he gives us 4 tips for dealing with negative people. Because nobody can make you think, what you don't want to think. The tips? 1) That's not apart of my belief system. You have free will, no one can make you think, anything. 2) Realize you are your own energy. You are your own thoughts, you have the power to reject other people and their thoughts. 3) Don't go as often, don't stay as long - around negative people (if it's family) if it's avoidable people, get rid of them, they are toxic. 4) Learn to practice forgiveness. You limit yourself when you harbor the negative energy of the pain/hate of what people have done to/against you. Good stuff.

    This morning it was raining pretty hard, so I asked him if he wanted to drive down to the mall, because I really didn't want to miss my walk, twice! so we did, walked around for a bit until Best Buy opened and then we did some shop-kicking. We spoke about some new exercises he learned in his book, how he intends to apply them and just how helpful this book has been to his recovery overall. I am thrilled that he has been able to relate to it and find some useful methods and tools that he could use. He's almost done with that book, but I bought a whole bunch more for him, he's excited to start the Mel Robbins book and I'm hoping to get through my book soon too, I'm been so caught up with so much stuff, I've been slacking on that front!

    Tomorrow my old friend is coming to visit, I'm excited to tell her about some self-care stuff I've learned, she wanted to hear about budgeting, like Jordan Page's method, I'll show her some Jay Shetty videos, Simon Sinek and more! I hope the weather won't be too nasty, so we could walk as well.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Liked the way my outfit came together today!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    Jake Ducey - How to Protect Yourself From Negative People:



    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  7. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

    104
    58
    28
    Well this is rich, now he wants you to start apologizing to him because of PTSD you have to suffer with forever, that he caused you? even if this one time his excuse "might" be true (or not, you really can not be sure either way, he is a PA after all and lying is their best feature). Unbelievable Jagliana, how much more of this can you tolerate? I can not imagine why you are wasting your time on him honey, instead of seeking an apology he should be seeking forgiveness and be thankful you let it go. He really is something else, you deserve is real man, someone who deserves you, understands your pain, trauma and is willing to love you without seeking apologies.
     
  8. They are obviously learning, growing and speaking to each other at a level of connection, love and maturity that you do not have the mental capacity to understand.

    I think until you resolve your own issues first with a professional at this point, it's best to keep your unhelpful and negative relationship advice to yourself, Jason.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,738
    3,865
    143
    Our phones have never shown "delivered" and "read" and it not been actually delivered and read. There have been plenty of times that it did not show the read receipt that the messages went through anyway, but it has never worked the other way around. The same goes for my daughter's and mom's phones, as well.
     
  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    He showed me his phone, the message was not there, I'm going to let this one go. It's not like he was out at a club and I didn't hear back from him for hours or something, so he would have a reason to delete this message aka the 'evidence'. It was just a message about how much I was suffering at night with the little one, I don't think he would have a reason to lie about ignoring that message, in all honesty. Maybe I'm being naive, or just too hopeful but if it becomes an ongoing/repeat issue, that won't be good and will breach my trust.
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  11. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 289:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night we skipped our talk, we watched The Walking Dead midseason finale instead, it was a pretty good episode. Then he was tired, so we went straight to bed. I had something I wanted to discuss, but it could wait, nothing major, just to squash my own curiosity.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Meredith Miller: Stop Waiting for Permission", where she encourages you to stop waiting for permission to live your life on your own terms, which is something I tend to do, by default - and quite often. Change will not come if you wait for some other person or some other time, to give you the "go ahead" and she's right.

    This morning my old friend stopped over and spent 8 hours here. Wade had to work and the girls were in school, so I actually had some time to catch up, listen to her woes, which sometimes make mine seem like daisies and roses. She is depressed, badly - based on what she's told me, sounds familiar, sigh. I was so close to fighting my fears and coming out with the bombshell about Wade's PA and my suffering because of some of the shit she was telling me and I could relate but the voice in my head was like "SHUT UP, don't you dare!" so, I kept circling around the issue, without bringing it up - talking about self-care, feeling depressed, lonely at times but never really going into "why", although she was shocked to hear a lot of it, because she always saw me a "perfect" and "happy". Luckily, she didn't push, I texted Wade and asked him if it would okay if I brought it up and he said he needed to think about it, then my parents just unlocked the door (they have copies of my keys) and walked in, made themselves comfortable and sat there to gossip for about an hour and a half. My friend and I were in the middle of such a good conversation too ugh, I was telling her how Wade was in the middle of a lot of self-care changes and how I was proud of him, how he has been volunteering himself in public because he has been applying things he has learned etc, but they came in and the conversation ended. We did talk about a lot of stuff, her relationship is rocky, to say the least, I have a feeling there is way more there-there too but I didn't pry further. If I did, then I would have to open up as well and without Wade's okay, I wouldn't. He texted me later on saying "it's okay" but by then it was too late, my parents were here and then the kids were back, too much was going on, then she had to leave etc. Maybe next time.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: I actually built up the courage (facing my fears) to admit to someone in my close circle, about this PA thing and would have done it too - if Wade would have said it was okay.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Healing
    Meredith Miller - A Guide for Self-healing After Narcissistic Abuse:



    #Motivation
    Mel Robbins - Are you running out of time?



    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
    Walter Milowski likes this.
  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    1,313
    2,084
    143
    I did this 3 times this summer . I was in such a bad place I wanted to tell my sister so badly . I’m glad I waited til things were progressing in a positive way to tell her . But I told her . Jag that was huge , her marriage is so toxic , she too so me as so well put together ! Btw whyyy do your parents have keys ??
     
  13. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    It's though, my inner voice was going haywire LOL

    They live two apartments down, they would help when the baby was little, so I wouldn't have to run and open the door, but they disregard boundaries altogether, even though both girls are in school. They figured because they know my friend (they practically raised us both) that they could just waltz in and chat.
     
  14. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Geez I'd perhaps be getting the keys back since the kids are older - what if you and wade were doing something LOL

    In regards to facing your fears and telling your friend, I think that's great. I actually told a few of my close friends quite a few years back now and I didn't ask my H for permission. Quite honestly I didn't care what he thought at that point. He was deep in his addiction, multiple d days, lying to me, not doing any recovery work and gaslighting me to the full extent - I had to talk to someone, I literally had lost my way and went downhill fast. I was so depressed and he just continued his behaviour. I'd been in a terrible state with no real help for a good couple of years and it was only getting worse. I don't regret finally reaching out to friends at all. I think it saved me!! Perhaps some small regrets here and there years later but the benefits far outweigh the negatives. I am a very private person and it does bother me still sometimes that others know such deeply personal stuff. There's one friend who I was really close with at the time but haven't seen her in a while (not because of the PA and we're still friends of course) just lives going in different directions but she just couldn't really get why I'd feel so betrayed because she was not in a relationship, no kids and was big into porn herself. Another close friend, after finding out and seeing first hand what a mess I really was and what this was doing to me, in the end just felt I needed to leave him and that I'm literally flogging a dead horse and it's killing me. And really she was right all along for all those years because he was just in denial, refusing to do any recovery work and still fooling me with his constant lies. I haven't spoken with her in many months and she doesn't know about the latest D Day (4 mths ago) yet, I haven't talked to anyone again since latest d day other than people on here. I'm probably isolating myself because I feel ashamed that this is still going on ALL these years later. She's a few hours away too so hard to catchup but I think she'd see it differently now perhaps knowing that he is actually taking it more seriously and is committing to recovery. Or she'll think I'm a bloody idiot for still being here (but I don't think so, she was really a rock for me but yeah I guess I feel embarrassed and I don't want to burden her with it all again!!) So it can be a hard decision to make, who to confide in within your circle because they may not get it, if they haven't experienced it first hand, and also how you'll feel about it all, years later. The friends I confided in are all old friends that I've known since high school. Same as you. Although some didn't really quite get it one thing for certain was they were all there for me and made me feel loved and supported that's for sure. But yeah perhaps not really understanding what I was going through with his PA. That is what I really love about this community. That pretty much every SO on here just totally gets it!! you don't have to explain!! But still there's not that same element as old close friends who know you though either....so I think it's good to have both, a few close friends and this community!!
     
  15. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    LOL!!!! so far they haven't, I think they walked in because they knew she was over.

    For me admitting any of this, to anyone is a whole ordeal, I am scared to do it. No one knows a thing, at all, not even a hint of anything. I know I don't have to ask him for permission because it's just apart of my story, as it is his - as I was betrayed. I just don't feel comfortable sharing, without both of us being on board, just like I wouldn't want him disclosing any of this to someone who knows us both, without my knowledge etc.

    Being in this sort of situation is the worst :-/ but you are right, the best thing about NoFap is that every SO on here, they just get it and that makes it all so much easier to just share. I wish everyone lived closer so we can have our own little groups lol.

    We both talked about it last night (Wade and I) and I will write about it tonight.
     
  16. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I have thought the same before about having our own little groups - that would be sooo good!! That's the worst thing about being an SO of this addiction, we feel so isolated, like being stranded on some lonely island disconnected from the rest of the world.

    What is it that your scared of most? Is it being judged? I know for me I worry about all sorts of things. That whomever knows this dirty little secret will think that it must be me that is inadequate, something that I'm not fulfilling to make him this way. And I feel shame, so much shame, that my marriage is not all that I want it to be, instead it's riddled with this infliction. And then I have thought how others would think that I am just weak or have no self worth to just stay in such a situation instead of being strong and independent and creating something better for myself. Of course then I worry about if my disclosure of the situation will go any further, they are my most trusted friends, but my trust has been shattered and now I tend not to trust anyone! All of these things have scared the hell out of me too. I know logically it's not my fault, that I haven't caused it and if anything I am strong for fighting for this relationship despite the uphill battle. But others don't know what I know, they haven't read and educated themselves on this addiction or how it has nothing to do with us so you just can't know what they will think. Despite it all though, I think it's a risk you take, and try to choose who you confide in wisely. There's probably 1 or 2 who in hindsight I maybe wouldn't tell now, but I was just desperate at the time and my sanity was literally on the line. I'm not even sure why I think that? Because I know they have also told me things that are in some instances far worse really than what I am going through. I don't know - it's just my skewed thinking at times (probably paranoia). But I think to myself - honestly fuck it! Who cares what people think! So many people have so many problems but everyone tries to keep everything so tightly sealed for the sake of image. Silence can be like a cancer growing and festering inside of you, and to get it out is a healthy thing to do and liberating...it's like a horrible burden you've been carrying around forever being lifted from you!
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2018
  17. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    It would be, I even created a Discord chat group but it didn't take, not too many were active in it. So, it sort of fizzled out. :-/

    ALL of those things and then some. For so many years, this was my pain and burden to bear, no one had the slightest clue how unhappy and miserable I really was. Even when I did bring it up to my husband, before I knew "PA" was a thing, he would gaslight me and make me think I was nuts for wanting more then what I was getting from him. To the outside world everything couldn't be more perfect, this includes all of my family and friends. The perfect family, husbands kids, picture perfect family portraits and vacations -- you name it, all the while, I was screaming bloody murder on the inside -- the whole dang time -- So, for me, to now, 12 years later, the friend who was always the one to lend an ear, offer advice, be the shoulder to cry on... but never reveal my own troubles (ever) will out herself, that this picturesque life they've all been witnessing was all a lie? just the thought of letting anyone in on this, scares me, embarrasses me and you're right, I'm afraid that they'll give me the same advice that I would have given them back in the day (hindsight is 20/20 :rolleyes:) "why are you still with him? leave him, find someone worthy of you".

    You're right, unless you are aware of what PA really is and have been a victim of it, you can not understand how bad the damage is. Someone who doesn't 'get it' will either assume that I'm just not fulfilling my wifey duties, he's no longer attracted to me and is just acting out, fell out of love or is just a 'boy being a boy'.... all things the old me would have thought, before I knew what the hell any of this was.

    Oh I get it, some of the stuff my friend has told beats this PA thing straight outta the water, makes my life look like a romance novel LOL but I still find myself fighting my shame in revealing things are not a perfect as I spent so many years making sure, they appear to be. It's sad, I know.
     
    HonestyMatters likes this.
  18. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 290:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night we had a really good talk, it wasn't all recovery either but a bit was. We talked about my friend, her life happenings, how I was actually ready to talk about this bombshell with her, which even the thought alone was a big thing for me. He told me he thinks he would have been comfortable with it if he would have told one of his friends first, but after thinking it through, he is okay with me telling her either way if it's something I want to do. Then he told me that because he was so busy with work, at work, he didn't have time to do any of his recovery work, like he normally has been and that left him feel like something was off or missing, which is a drastic difference from the days of when he preferred it this way and hoped I wouldn't ask him about it, so he could continue doing the bare minimum. He has gotten to a point in his recovery where if he isn't in a balance between his life/recovery goals, he feels incomplete and personally I think that's an achievement on its own, for him in particular, given his track record on complacently and being lazy in the past. Then I finally got to the question I wanted to ask for two days, just to squash my own curiosity. I noticed he is visual, he looks at me, says/thinks a few things and gets aroused... so I wondered, did the same happen when he ogled other women? because I had asked him this in the past and of course back then he said "no!" - now he says he really doesn't think so but can't be sure because he honestly doesn't remember. I believe him, now. Then he casually brought up that his job is holding their annual holiday party, he didn't actually ask if I wanted to go, he just said they are doing it again and said: "but you probably don't want to go anyway". I found how he phrased that whole exchange a bit interesting, sort of like he was informing me of the event and but also subliminally hinting for me to say I don't want to go? it was weird. Either way, it's expensive, he will want to drink if we are paying so much, get plastered as per usual (so we'll need a ride) which subsequently cause him to act out in some way, like probably slip (ogle one of his coworkers), plus I'll have no one to talk to there again, and I'll be surrounded by the kings of ogling/objectification and their victims (aka also the women Wade has spent years ogling). I may just tell him to go himself, I don't want to risk getting triggered and then sit there pissed off, alone and ruin the night for him. Plus, it doesn't sound like he really wants me there anyway, probably for the reasons I mentioned above.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Tony Robbins: Positive Thinking", where he gives you five keys to maintaining a positive mindset - change the negative spin, to the positive. 1) Make it a habit to notice what you DO have, instead of what you don't have. 2) Instead of judging yourself and others, decide to be curious instead of judgemental -- as soon as you start judging other people, you start judging yourself. Free yourself from the destructive power of negative thinking - we make heroes, only to knock them down because we rather be negative and find fault in others. 3) If something is wrong, find the solution! develop the habit of giving compliments and learn to find something to appreciate, even in bad situations. 4) Decide not to be perfect! if you always seek out perfection, you'll always find failure, because we are all human and no one can be perfect, all the time, even in the best situations. 5) Decide to have faith and hope, create certainty, even when things look grim - the only thing you can be certain of is if you don't put yourself out there or on the line, you'll certainly fail, as you haven't even tried.

    This morning we walked and listened to BAE's podcast "Ep: 35 Letting Go of Labels", I've listened to it before, but Wade didn't and wanted to, so we could discuss it as we listen. It was a very good one, really got me us both thinking. How we shouldn't assign labels to ourselves or each other because we are more than "an addict" or "crazy". We are people, the addiction or the betrayal is just apart of our story, it is not our entire story, so it should not be our "face". Coby also had a good point, that a lot of times, people who label themselves, often live up to that label - whether it's good or bad because it's how they end up perceiving themselves. Like Dr. Phil always says "perception is reality", so if you keep saying/thinking "I'm Dave and I'm an addict" that's exactly what you'll always be. Instead, you should admit that you've struggled with addiction because it is apart of your story, but it is not who you are, not your whole story, so your train of thought should be: "I'm Dave, I'm a fun loving guy, who struggled many years with addiction, but now I am in recovery and couldn't be happier!". I'm sorry, I don't do this trio any justice, you need to listen to this podcast yourself, they really explain it a whole lot better than I ever could.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Even though I was freezing my ass off, still walked!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivation
    Will Smith's Life Advice Will Change Your Future



    STORY THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE


    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
    Walter Milowski likes this.
  19. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 291:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night we didn't talk much, we spent some time talking during the day. I wanted to talk to him about my thoughts on how he brought up the party and if he meant what he said or what, but I was beginning to feel under the weather, my mind was so blah and it flew right outta my head. We finally finished Marvel: Agents of Shield! now we can move on to the hundreds of other shows we have had on the back burner, as we've been working on us, instead of ignoring each other and only watching TV as a way to continue to do that lol. Midway through the episode though, he paused and began such a sweet conversation, made my heart melt. He paused the TV, so, I turned to him because I wondered what was up and he was just staring at me and he said "sorry, I just wanted to say, moments like these make me so happy, I love this feeling and I can't believe how many years went by without having it, so much time wasted." Then he told me how much he finally understands what I was talking about when I was "complaining" about him always ignoring my tags/posts on SM too, not just in RL, how it means so much more then a stupid joke or meme shared. It means at that moment he thought about me or I thought about him, how something he saw triggered a feeling and he just wanted to share it with me and nobody else, because I'm what's important to him etc. It was so touching, then we went back to watching TV holding each other and then we were off to bed. Things have been different, like I told him - just the energy in the room is different, both of us want to be there, next to each other, we aren't avoiding or ignoring each other and just simply sitting together feels whole, because we have this connection, as opposed to the emptiness we had for 12 years.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Tony Mase: Resolving Issues", where he gives us 3 simple steps that you can use to resolve any issue in your life. 1) Completely eliminate the word "problem" from your vocabulary. Call things "situation", instead of a problem, because you make a situation a problem but how negatively vs how constructively you want to deal with it. 2) Forget the situation, don't dwell on it and let it consume you. When you forget it, it will be gone. 3) Focus your attention on the situation you want, not on the situation you don't want. Life has a way of making what you think/believe happen - you create a self-fulling prophecy.

    We were hit with a bit of a snow storm, so of course, we ended up with a snow day. We went to the mall with the kids, let them get their energy out - indoors, spent some family time together. My parents came too, even though there was a lot of blabbing and my head was pounding, overall it was a good trip. I think all of us had a good and relaxing day, even with some minor triggers, I feel I handled myself well.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Got some kickass boots today, love how they look! :-D:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivation
    Jay Shetty - Before You Waste Your Life, Watch This



    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
     
    HonestyMatters likes this.
  20. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    That's a shame. Maybe in time it could be tried again. I think I'd appreciate something like that. Even if it was a scheduled time like once a fortnight or month.

    Yes, i understand how hard that would be. Especially if its both family & friends. I confided in my mum first of all. But everyone has different backgrounds too and I was pretty sure she would understand and be there for me because I know how much she has been through in her life, it's not a secret and so I felt fairly safe in doing so. It was still hard though, but it was my shame and my barriers I needed to overcome not hers. I've never been surrounded by family or friends who are the picture perfect kind, everyone's pretty down to earth realist types. We all understand that none of us are infallible. Clearly I don't know your friends but it is very possible that they (or some) may have intuitively picked up in some way that things aren't all what they seem. I know mine probably would, they are very perceptive like that even with the best fronts any of us try to put up. Most people realise it's near impossible for everything to be perfectly rosey all the time. So what I'm getting at is maybe you just think that they think its all perfect. And if you did decide to confide in them, I'm sure they would understand your fears and your reasons for holding back, no matter the time frame, at least I know mine would. You are probably being harder on yourself than they ever would be on you. But I know that's probably just generalising without really knowing your circle and not everyone is that kind but there are many people who are :)

    You don't have to be a tower of strength. We all need to be loved and supported. And sometimes its comforting for others to know that your just as human as them, and things aren't all wonderful for you...the comfort and understanding in that works both ways. I wish you all the best with it Jag, and hope you find someone you can truly just be yourself with, no fronts, we all need this so much....those kind of relationships with friends or family are the most meaningful and valuable relationships of all!! :emoji_kissing_heart:
     

Share This Page