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Struggling with suicidal thoughts

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by FreeAndStrong, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. FreeAndStrong

    FreeAndStrong Fapstronaut

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    I feel like no matter how many things I try, I just can't quit. Some of the porn I watch involves a self-destructive fetish, and it's totally the opposite of my normal sexual/gender identity. Every time I relapse my willpower and desire to get better just erodes. I can't quit, I ALWAYS find a way around any blockers etc.. but I refuse to live whilst addicted to this.

    Every time I relapse I wonder how nice it would be to just not exist. To just sleep and be at peace. To not have to worry and stress and fight this addiction anymore - in fact, not fight anything anymore. The only things that hold me back is, a) I don't want to hurt my family/friends, and b) I don't want to kill myself over a porn addiction, it's just pathetic.

    Nonetheless, I can't live like this. Every relapse is torment. It's like I'm at the bottom of the ocean with a weight tied to my ankle, and after every relapse the weight gets heavier, the ocean gets deeper, the sunlight fades even more. I feel as if everyone else here is making progress and I'm actually going in reverse (which isn't true - I've made tiny progress in the last 3 years, but at the rate I'm going by the time I fully quit I'll be dead of old age anyway, so what's the point).

    My recent plan has been to put blockers on my computer/phone in a way that makes it impossible to get around them. But I will simply reformat my computer if that's what it takes to watch porn - I already know I will, so it's pointless. The only way I can stop myself is by going on a 3 month vacation somewhere that has no internet/electronics, which is stupid because nowhere like that exists, I can't afford it, I don't have 3 months to spare with uni coming up, people will ask questions etc.

    I refuse to see a doctor or let anyone know about this. The nature of the fetish is too embarrassing I couldn't do it.

    I'm so desperate to be rid of this, and yet my willpower and motivation is just so gone I can't even bring myself to meditate for 10 minutes a day, or do simple things.

    Tomorrow I will probably wake up, go to work, forget all about this, resist urges for 2-3 days, then relapse, repeat. I need help. :(
     
  2. cheekybrah

    cheekybrah Fapstronaut

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    I can relate bro but realistically we all have different fetishes and whatnot but in the end what matters is the willpower to not masturbate or watch porn.
    I guarantee you that you are not the only one with the particular fetish that you have on this board. That's ok, it's not important.
    What matters is that, just like everyone here, you are making an effort in an attempt to free your brain of porn. That's what we are all doing.
    Be happy you are trying to make this positive change in your life, don't be upset!
     
  3. I hear you on the suicidal thoughts, been there and still are in some ways. I too would like to get hit by a bus at times, I think that's pretty normal when you feel as crap as we do. I'm being treated for depression and anxiety but I wonder how much it has to do with PMO.

    I think you need to get to a point that you really don't want this, you almost need to hit such a low and remember that so that you don't do things when you want to. It's hard and when you feel a bit better you just knock one out but that's like a crack addict getting another hit. Just set your goals short at the moment and build from there. Good luck buddy.
     
  4. Aldrigmer

    Aldrigmer Fapstronaut

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    I was at a yoga retreat for 3 months. There where no intenet or phones there. And we where silent for 33 days. I learned a lot about mindfulness there. You dont have to go away for 3 months to learn about mindfulness, but I think it would help you deal with the suicidal thoughts if you learn a bit about it.
     
  5. ahahaha,Why You are Thinking of Suicidal thoughts?Just Because You think You're Not a Normal Person,Just Because You Feel Bad when You Relapse.You are in Darkness My Friend.Come and See the Light.Read Some Good Books and If You Want me to Help You or Describe Briefly What I Said,message me.:)
    -Never Regret the Past.It Is Past.You'll Get Nothing Regretting.
     
  6. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Why are you laughing at him justcause47? :mad:
     
  7. IGY

    IGY Guest

    What relevance is that to my question? :confused:
     
  8. fapstronaut1337

    fapstronaut1337 Fapstronaut

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    First of all, OP: You have not given up yet. Failure/Relapse isn't giving up, just giving in. Never give up. Keep failing because failing over and over again as you say you are doing, will make you succeed. Even if you die masturbating you did it while still trying to quit in a way, and that is not failure. I find it hard to believe that you can't beat this. I've been where you are at. Get it clear in your head that you want this for yourself or for someone else. If you can't do this for yourself, do it for your family... your future mate... your future children... or why not for me? Read what you wrote today everyday to remind yourself that you are moving on from this. Every relapse is a minor setback and can even be seen as a step towards beating this shit, if you can learn from it.
    And don't you ever give up before reaching for help. This forum is great but you bring up a very serious matter... suicide. And I know that people can get this naturally as a sickness and not a single doctor in the world will laugh at you for seeking help, and maybe your sickness (depression) is making you watch these things, who the fuck knows... I am not a doctor. If the shit hits the fan and you are seriously having more and more thoughts about suicide, GO SEE A DOCTOR.

    Aldrigmer: Wow what an experience. Was this before you quit pmo? PM me if you want. I would like to know alot about it!

    Justcause: Messaged you as you said because half the shit you said seemed offencive and stupid and half the shit didn't even make any sense.

    Reece83: Wtf? Good question but it surely wasn't relevant to ask and also seemed quite offensive. IGY asked a relevant question tho and not even to you.
     
  9. Aldrigmer

    Aldrigmer Fapstronaut

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    I did quit PMO during those 3 months. When I left I felt very energized and clear in my mind and I met a woman at once afterwards and made her pregnant. I´m not a monk....But the relationship didnt last. Anyway, the yoga had a very good effect: clarity and more energy And the mindfulness we practiced is very useful.

    It was this one:

    http://www.yogameditation.com/Haa-International-Course-Center/Retreats/The-3-Month-Sadhana-Course
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2015
  10. Ghost.

    Ghost. Fapstronaut

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    You're unhappy with your life, that much is clear. And No PMO alone won't fix that. You have to take it step by step, one issue at a time. Change the things that make you unhappy, whether they are your job, your friends, your environment.
     
  11. enoughnow

    enoughnow Fapstronaut

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    To get back to FreeAndStrong's post, I really feel for you. I am guessing that the porn use is not a problem in itself, but might be a symptom of another problem (I think this is true of me as well). If so, then maybe you can get help without specifically needing to look at it as getting help for porn.

    I think Ghost is making some good points also.

    Just a thought, good luck and please remember your life is a precious thing - far too precious a thing to lose over porn addiction.
     
  12. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

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    If you want to talk about suicidal thoughts, I've been there....literally. I've struggled with porn addiction for 15 years and ever since I joined Nofap, I've realized how much self destruction I've caused myself. I have a mental health disorder and at one point in my life, I had a severe back injury that left me broken physically and mentally. I came to the point where I thought life was so miserable because I was in so much pain that I literally couldn't sleep for several hours, that I decided to overdose. My mom stopped me fortunately. But what I'm saying is, people have gone through worse. I'm not saying that your suffering isn't any less, but you have a lot to live for. If you just keep hanging in there, you never what will happen. You might meet someone or something that will keep you going even further. Just like I did. Even though this doesn't have much to do with porn addiction, it's about not giving up. Don't give up on this addiction and don't give up on yourself! Hang in there everyday!! If I was dead, I wouldn't be telling you this would I?
     

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