I'm New. A Long, Long Road Here.

I'm 28, and it's been 15 years since I began masturbating to porn/ began masturbating period. This is my first post on this site, I started to hear about this NoFap slowly couple years ago. I ignored it. I saw something on TedTalks about porn addiction...and then I knew I had an answer.


I will not write a book. I'll just say to start that I believe I've been suffering from sexual porn-related dysfunction for basically since I could start masturbating. No one knew what this was back then..there was no talk about it. I had started watching porn at 13. I very quickly figured out that "gay" porn had an intense visceral ability to turn me on and go back to it. I am almost speechless now, as I can't believe I've found this site, or even a movement like this exists. That's 15 years of my life, disrupted and in some ways, ruined- by hocd and ocd that began by the gay porn. I HAD NO IDEA what that was back then - no one did. If I told anyone I had been watching gay porn and 'liked it' even though I 'hated it' because I felt I was addicted to it - they would have laughed in my face outright, and dismissed it.
For me I believe I started watching gay porn because I was drawn to it out of a 'deeply forbidden curiosity'..that's all I can explain. I believe myself to be straight - but had several childhood experiences that I can recall that set this up, I believe. The first was at 5, i was harmlessly experimenting with another boy in kindergarten - the teacher somehow caught us and made a big deal of it. She called home both our parents, the classroom was disrupted the kids knew something "serious" had occurred. She conveyed this to us all. I remember my father standing over me at five, me crying - telling me in a domineering and commanding way and not yielding, to explain to him what I did. He wouldn't stop until i did, and I was crying when I did I felt relief and he went away. That planted great shame in me, and it also imprinted the link between gayness and 'bad'/ or naughty. I had a couple experiences after that, which I now believe were set up by the first one; where I received great sexual excitement and 'taboo' nature of doing 'naughty things' with other boys. These were isolated incidents and I never did anything, just remembered in my mind the strong desires and taboo nature of it.

I had crushes on girls when I was younger despite these isolated incidents. I believe watching porn for me - tapped into a psychological taboo nature of gay guys, guys doing gay things with eachother. It instantly gave me an excitement, a sort of irresistible naughty urge to look at it. I did, and somehow the forbidden nature became sexualized again. It had to do with the experience at 5. If the internalized taboo nature weren't present. THere would be no draw to the porn. I am absolutely convinced of that.

I watch the porn and I get off. I know its bad. I don't feel right doing it. It has like many men here twisted and deformed my road in life. It is nearly beyond comprehension; but I know many here understand.

Thank you for this site and purpose. I am still not believing that this is a real thing. I have it in the back of my mind it's not going to be real, will be discredited, or whatever.
It just seems too good to be true. Finally, a path out of the hell??? It has a name??

This phenomenon that has destroyed so many lives is finally here. It's being talked about. Wow.