After +20 years, I'm ready to start over

Hi everyone! I am writing this for the need to write my story out in order to really see how f*cked up my life is right now. I will include a TLDR section in the end so jump in there if you want. As I'm writing this here, tears are coming from my eyes because of how it all makes so much sense now...

I have been doing MO since I was about 12, and I started PMO pretty much along with the advent of internet and high-speed internet. I was a shy, obese boy who had no friends, and no social skills, so I really never got around to dating girls or finding out about my sexuality in my teen years. I was just left with nude pics online and those moments when I was alone in the house. There were a few encounters here and there but those ended up with usually no more than just a kiss and left me embarrassed. Also my parents, being very religious, didn't support, help or encourage anything about my process of becoming a man, or dating girls, for that matter.

Through my early twenties, I focused more on partying because then the student life revolved around it, and it helped my get friends, however I feel like they were there only because we used to drink together. I had no encounters with girls, and I lied about my sex life when asked about it. I actively suppressed all my sexual energy with PMO. This led to me seriously considering whether I was gay or asexual, and this f*cked me up even more.

Fast forward to today, and I'm still suffering from these experiences. I have been married for eight years to the love of my life, however our marriage is in a frozen state. I married a virgin in my late twenties, when I was a virgin too. This was not helpful at all. Our sex life has never been good, but we have committed to marriage and want this to work. I have serious issues with fast food binges and our sex life is seriously one-sided, as usually PIED prevents me from penetrating my wife. I just sadly resort to fingering my wife to make her orgasm. I keep my PMO from my wife, but she's not stupid, she knows I take care of myself in one way or the other.

Early on in our marriage, my wife and I tried lots of different things, but mostly to no avail. Even when I have a good erection, I can't cum inside her because I'm used to the death grip of my hand when I PMO in the bathroom. I've seen a urologist and I've tried two kinds of pills, but obviously I understand now that why those didn't help with this issue.

There are serious issues in our marriage, we don't talk about the problems we have and previously, the most we have tried has been trying to lose weight. We are now still both obese, we are not talking about these issues and the idea of us having children is buried deep inside with the burden of our past. I used to feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, however for some reason I stumled upon this site again (I tried a nofap challenge many years ago but got freaked out by the flatline, relapsed and that was the end of it) and now it all clicks together in a way that I feel I must take this path and get permanently rid of my thought processes that have been generated in my brain since the 1990s.

When I used to PMO, I started with a flaccid penis and I used to tense my leg muscles in order to O. This is something that has carried on and I realized this has severely limited my ability to O during intercourse. I very rarely get rock hard erections, when I do my wife is very happy about them but for me, there is rarely any extra sensation involved vs. semi-flaccid erections.

I have actively refused to think P or M are anything bad for me, and that my problem lies elsewhere, in my obesity or our inability to talk to each other. But when I began to research this just a few days ago, all the symptoms I have and all the things I do, point to this single point as a problem. For me, a big problem is the fact that so much of my sexuality has been created through voyeurism, that it still has affected me a lot up until these days. I have been so conditioned to bikini pictures, nude pics and all that other shit, that being with my wife is not enough for me. I really think that the novelty of that material is the key here. That is the only thing that excites me enough, no matter how much I love and care for my wife. I am an addict of these hormones in my body, and this is now Day 3 on the journey to a life without PMO/MO. The fast food binges also have to go, and when I'm ready, I need to come clean about this to my wife.

TLDR:
I have been conditioned to PMO and MO for the last 20+ years, I haven't become used to regular sex and that still has a very bad effect on my relationship. I need to stop this toxic path, I need to learn sexuality in the way it was meant to be enjoyed.


As I was writing this, I watched this video of Terry Crews telling about his experience and this motivated me a lot:

 

Thank you for your support, I am truly blessed for all of it! I don't know what got me interested about this, but I'm glad I'm here now. Maybe it is placebo or my own expectations, but I am already seeing a lot of positive effects. For example, I visited my parents today and I could see how I was able to give them a lot more attention in listening and conversating with them.

There is no way back from this now, for sure. This has started a big snowball effect in my life already. Our anniversary is tomorrow and I don't think I've ever given this much attention to planning it, I really feel like I'm just getting to know my wife again. Also there is going to be a big company party at a club on Friday, it will come at a nice moment because I will be able to see how I react over there to all the women in their fancy clothing and to the free booze being offered.

 

I have started journaling my progress, feel free to take a look, although it's mostly for my own reflection and possible emergency purpose.

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/becoming-the-best-version-of-myself.203737/