Before the storm

Yes, I do. I seem to get anxiety from everything now though.

 

Yes! Every time my husband is nice or does something sweet (like he did in the beginning before I found out about his addiction) I get really anxious and snappy. I am like, "What the fuck? Why are you being nice/doing that?" becuase I don't trust it. It's honestly strange at this point. Sadly the niceness and romance was the normal...but once I found out it all went way and as my husband tries to reintroduce these things I find myself getting anxious and even angry at times... it goes back to me thinking it's a trick.

 

So for me I dreaded telling my wife for so long. I was terrified. And then she found out and she was super angry - for about 24 hours. Then everything came out and she pitied me for about a week, and then since then things have been abnormally normal. Granted, I haven't relapsed since before she found out, and that may have something to do with it. But for a couple months I was waiting for the other shoe to drop (and I often get that feeling since then too). I was thinking "why isn't she reacting like all the women who I have read about online?" I even asked her, repeatedly, if why she wasn't more upset.

 

When it has been a long time since either of us brings up the question of whether I have used P or Med again, then I get concerned over whether my wife thinks that I have relapsed, and is living her life assuming that I have, or whether she is thinking everything is solved and behind us, and that I might use her silence as an excuse to descend into old habits unchallenged and conscequence-free (until, of course, I can't stand the hypocrisy and self-hatred and feel the need to confess, then shattering her all over again when she thought everything was perfect).

I think the best thing to do is for me to share progress unprompted when things are going well. I try not to do this too often, because I don't want porn and masturbation to be the focus of our relationship and a constant looming prescence, but I want to bring it up in a positive light before anything happens that would mean any discussion is automatically one about failure, betrayal and regret. I am also grateful when my wife is confident enough to ask how things are going and I get to give her good news. Obviously, this works best when she expects good news and I have it to offer. A neutral tone might be best in this sort of SO questioning, as an overly cheerful tone would make it harder to confess if there had been a slip-up, perhaps, and an accusatory tone would make me feel untrusted and my effort not appreciated.

I realise that for some couples here, an accusatory tone may feel justified, as escalation and betrayal has gone further and runs deeper in some relationships, but it is worth remembering that prolific M with some sort of visual aid, usually P, is the default and statistically an overwhelming majority of men take part in such activities. Those of us here on this site and un this section of the forum have all decided that there is no room for it in their relationships, but it is worth remembering that to live a PMO-free life is to transcend some aspects of our male biology, and to go against the grain of society and culture in doing so. We are better men for it, and we want that for ourselves, but we are asking a lot of our selves and of our partners here on nofap.

When things are going well, we should be proud of ourselves, of our relationships, of of the ways that we are showing our love by making a choice and a commitment that a minority of couples make.

 

The women on this site are not your average woman. Neither are the men. It is a minority of people who make a choice to give up porn. The SOs who benefit from using these forums are the ones who suffered the most trauma or felt the most betrayed, and wanted to find a support network for people like them. Some of the things that the PAs on this site have done while in the depths of their addiction is shocking and understandably very hurtful. The thought of my Ming to any other woman was hurtful enough to my wife for me to beed to stop it, and the admission that I used images and fantasies of people I know personally was very upsetting to her. Still, it was not enough for her to decide to find a support network online. We resolved that I would cut it out of my life, and I was the one who needed help with that.

The experiences of SOs as described on this site serve as a warning of a kind of 'worst case scenario' potential future for me. P use does lead to escalation, and with enough time a habit becomes and obsession and a behavioural addiction. My own, lesser, usage levels were damaging enough to my life and relationships to be worth quittig entirely. Don't let your wife's comparative 'okayness' become an excuse to relapse. She doesn't need to be a constant emotional wreck to deserve better from you.

 

I highly recommend FANOS for BOTH of you . It’s all encompassing . We only do it once a week , on Sunday to go over the week . It has brought us so much closer together .

 

To what was her response. I’m different than 2 years ago ( DDAY ) WE are very different from 10 weeks ago , I was ready to say fuck it . But something shifted in him , we’ve been growing and healing . Most SO that stay angry are the ones that don’t see their H doing enough recovery work . So that brings soooo much anxiety ridden wonder !