A squirrely Journal

Last night Rachie and I want out on a date. When we were out Rachie started telling me about something that was bothering and things that bother her that I have done. I just lessened and said very little. When we got in the car Rachie said "I feel so much better? I feel like I can talk to you." I said "what did I do right?". She said "You didn't try to fix it you just lessened."

This is the first time Rachie has told me something regarding the past and things that trigger her that ended good.

 

This weekend was good for the most part. Saturday my father in law, my son and me went and helped clean up leaves at church and my father in law drove us. After we were done we started to go somewhere to eat. I texted Rachie but my father-in-law changed his mind then he said he had to go somewhere before he dropped us off at home. I was letting Rachie know what was going on but everything was through texting and that was not the best way to communicate. Long story short Rachie got super triggered I did not handle it as well as I should have. I was not as open to her feeling and hurt as I should have been.

 

Yesterday Rachie started a new rewteen with the kids. Later in the evening after the kids went to bed I asked her how it went. She was worn out but the over all day was much better and the kids were way happier.

During our talk Rachie asked me about something we did in the bedroom and if it was triggering for me. I thought for a long minute then said "It was not but I have to be careful not to do what we did all the time. Sometimes is good and adds verity but if I start to only want that or some sort of veryasion of what we did then that is bad." I explained the fear is crating a new addition and I don't want to do that.

The best thing is we are coming to a place in each of our recovery that we can do more not only everyday living but also in the bedroom and it's great. In the bedroom I used to reenact what I had seen. Now what we are starting to do in the bedroom is completely from our on imagination and still being there with each other and it's amazing and beautiful.

 

Rachie and I have been more focus on the kids lately. We have change just about everything we do. For example, we started disciplining them differently. We used to just keep telling them over and over to stop something then we would put them in the corner. Now we have started: asking them to stop, then If they don't we change our tone get eye level with tell them and say "These is your warning. If you don't stop _____ then you will go into time out." If they do it again then they go into time out. My son goes for 4 minutes my daughter 2 , it's one minute for the age they are. When they get out of the corner we make them say sorry. Most of the time just doing the warning works and since we have started doing this the kids are way better than they ever have been.

During the day Rachie does a arts and crafts with the kids. This hole week as soon as I walk in the door, my son makes me go over to the refrigerator to see what they have made.

I have started to have both kids help with chores. They think it's a fun game. Then in the evening I spend 30 minutes alone time with each kid, normally, reading a book or ABC mouse.

Our house has been so much better since we have started doing this.

 

My holiday was not good except for the time I spent with the kids. Thanksgiving my father-in-law invaded some people we did not know and it ruined thanksgiving for everyone. The biggest problem was it was triggering for my wife and her family (not in regards to PMO stuff). Rachie's dad has always made his family fell like his family comes last. We left early thanksgiving and talked for hours about her past and growing up.

Friday was much the same. Everyone thought we were going to go and get a tree but my father-in-law decided to take a old friend out to dinner instead.

Saturday I felt drained. I was good for two days. I had been there for Rachie but I woke up not in a bad place. Most of Saturday I was mean and hateful. Rachie cried most of that day because of me. Around two in the afternoon I took a short nap and was OK after I woke up but I was so much like my old self all day that Rachie was highly triggered. I realized after my nap my mood swing was depression and explained that to Rachie. (I have an up coming apontment to talk to my Dr. about depression.)

Sunday was not really all that great either. After church we all laid into dad. Than after everyone settled down we all had a long talk and some things were resolved. After that things were better and we were all drained from the emotional weekend.

 

Yesterday the kids, Rachie and I went over to my in-laws house and had dinner and put there tree up. It was a little odd but everyone seemed to have fun.

I have been talking to Rachie about some stuff for some time and that is that I don't understand why PAs struggle for as long as they do. I have been in recovery for close to eleven months and I have no desire for P or M. As far as organizem go I only want them with my wife. I've not had a saw or notice in over a month and I do pretty good at being mindful of Rachie when we are out in public and she's triggered. I'm not even touching on all the changes I have done as far as being more involved at home. When I talk to Rachie last about this she said "They have not had a good enough reason to quit. "and" How long did it take for you to quit before you did?" I said "When I stop trying to do it on my own."

I had to except help and get resources such as books and nofap and apply those things to my life. It's not easy.

 

Yesterday Rachie went out and spent time with her sister. The kids and I stayed home making homemade bread. (I was going to put an image of the bread but I can't remember how too.) I had never baked bread before the kids and I had a lot of fun. There was flour everywhere.

When Rachie got home I mentioned "That in the past you would go out and I would spend most of my time in the bathroom. Now I stay home making bread with the kids." I spent to many years missing out on life but now I'm not.

 

This past weekend was OK. I was very sleepy but I tried to be happy. Normly when I am tired I am mean and grumpy witch is all the time because I have a narcolepsy. Tomorrow I I'm going to go see my Dr. to ask him about anti depressants. Come to find out its been shown that people with narcolepsy that struggle with depression there narcolepsy pills don't work as well unless the depression is treated as well.

To tell the truth. I just want to feel like me and I'm hopping an antidepressant will help. I have spent the last year focused on recovery and now I need to start looking at my over all health, witch in a way is still recovery.

 

Rachie and I had sex last night and we did something new. After words we talked about it. What we liked and did not like. Bye the end of our conversation I said something like "This was good there's things we don't want to do again but it's making our sex better not worse." In the past having a conversation about sex would have ended in a big fight and truth be told we would had fight long before talking about what happened because the moment something new was introduced I would have shout it down. I had to have sex one way and that was it.

 

Yesterday Rachie and I went to my Dr. to talk about my depression. He put me on a low dose of something for the next few weeks. If I feel like I need to be on a high dose I can call my Dr. and have my prescription increased. This morning I woke up and took my new medicine and I feel really good. One of the things this medicine does is wake you up. 30 minutes after I took my new pill I felt like running. I haven't felt like running in years. When I was younger I did Iron Man triathlons (2.6 mile swim. 112 mile bike, 26 mile run). Feeling like I wanted to run makes me feel like my old self, the good me. Not the bad me I have been for years.

 

Have not posted in a minute. It's been up and down since last I post. Were I leave we had lots of snow and were stuck in side for a few days. As a family we had a lots of fun . The kids and I went outside and played in the snow and Rachie and I had some really good talks.

One of the talks Rachies and I had triggered her really badly. It's not one of those things that is going to get better soon but even with that being said we are closer then we have been ever. I tried not getting to upset, seeing her point of view, stopped trying to make her get over what was bothering her, gave her space, but not to much space and it payed off. Last night we cuddle on the couch for over thirty minutes after watching a movie and it was completely natural. We didn't say before hand "OK, so after the movie we need to cuddle." We just did.

 

Last night Rachie and I were in the car and I asked Rachie to help me remember a date. She smelled and sent me a text to help me remember. I got mad and said some sort of snide remark. Obviously Rachie was hurt and I was taken back. We talked about it and I told her I don't know we're that come from. Hours later we started talking about what happened in the car again. Rachie explained that every time she has ever tried doing something nice for me I get upset. As we talked I realized that I don't just get upset with her but with anyone who tries to help me. With that realization I realized how much my childhood messed me up.

When I started school, I was told by everyone around me that I was "just a little slower than the other kids in school." I was put in "speshel" classes. As years went on I tried to get out of those classes and I did without anyone's help. My own parents and teachers discouraged me from working hard and going to normal classes. If I got any help at all it was because it was to hard for me to understand. Now as an adult I need to realize that there are people in my life that want to help me and that doesn't mean I'm dumb when they do.

The other thing Rachie and I talked about was just being nice. If I was more mindful of just not being a mean person I would have never said anything in the car in the first place.

 

Last night Rachie and I went Christmas shopping. When we were out we talk about the past year. Last year around this time Rachie fond out (fully) about my addiction and by January 1st I was on a path to recovery. Being so close to my anniversary is a hard thing on Rachie, it brings all the hurt back. Last night as we were heading home I said something like "Talking about the past year and the years before I knew that I had a problem makes me realize how the recovery process can help a person become something better than the way they were raised." The truth is there is way more to recovery then just P use. I am having to learn to be honest, accountable, curing, patient, understand, epithetical (did not know that was a word), and many other things that I would have not ever tried to over come without recover. Rachie agreed.

 

Been super busy at work and not had a chance to Journal much this week.

Not had any big issues come up. Yestday I was winny about something but Rachie and I talked about it and worked it out.

Found out my moving around in a sexual way in my sleep is a kind of sleep walking and that Dr.s don't know of any real cures for it. What they do know is caffeine, stress, and not getting enough sleep can increase the chances of me being sexual in my sleep. Rachel and I our relived in a way. We are relived in that we now know that it's a real thing and is called sexsomina.

Other than that Rachie and I have been having a really good week with lots of joking around and fun.