Celebrating 90 days tomorrow!!! Struggles & what's helped me so far...

Hi guys,

Tomorrow will be my 31st birthday and my 90th successful day on the no porn and masturbation challenge…I’d just like to share some of my struggles and what has helped me so far along the journey.

My struggles
How great is your desire and motivation to give up? For me, I want to live my life to my fullest potential. I want to live for great causes and use my intellect, strength, courage, abilities and whatever else I possess to the maximum – like Jesus, David, Job, Paul, Ghandi, Nelson Mandella, Maximus/Gladiator, Brave Heart and Rob Roy etc.

However, I’ve increasingly noticed myself becoming a background extra in the story of my own life…but I am determined to become the hero in my own story by reversing this ridiculous trend!!!

I’ve been addicted to pornography for 15 years, since I was about 15 years old and no matter how hard I’ve tried I would always repeat the same cycle of giving in to porn, followed by guilt, feeling physically and mentally weak and resolving to do better next time – only to repeat this cycle a week or two later.

The harder I tried, the more difficult it became and I eventually realised it was crazy because I was actually fighting against myself and eventually my sexual desires would overpower my logical desire to avoid pornography.

I am a fit, healthy, handsome, masters-level educated guy, had a well-paid job (I’ve now started my own business). Growing up I played in my school, college and county teams, including football where I had trials with a professional club.

I dated girls during school & uni but I never had sex with them because of my desire to honour God by not having sex until I was married (I’m a Christian). I successfully abstained from sex until I got married at age 29 …but I obviously wasn’t a perfect Christian as I still struggled with pornography.

Surprisingly, I found that a little while after getting married I still had a desire to watch porn (I expected it to stop by then) and eventually fell into addiction (actually I never left the addiction really) and I soon realised it was creating a barrier of secrecy between my wife and I and reducing the pleasure I got from having real sex!!!!

My Breakthrough
One day I prayed a strange prayer to God. I said “God, you know I want to live an amazing life that includes freedom from porn. But as things currently stand, I guess I honestly don’t believe you have enough power to transform my life…because I’m still living with an addiction, despite my own best efforts. Why do you continue to give your enemies an excuse to ridicule you through my weakness and failures? Won’t they say that God was unable to set him free from this addition?”

Amazingly, since that day I have not watched porn or masturbated or had a desire to do so!!! And I haven’t developed any new abilities or self-control than I had before. On the other hand, I believe I actually try less hard than I did before, yet it seems far easier to resist the temptation of porn and lust.

What changed – I now focus my aim on pleasing /honouring God in this area of my life and I believe my life cannot reach its full potential if the addiction continues. I believe God now sustains me through my weakness by his power.

I believe porn can and will be overcome in my life forever! I think lust will continue to try to entice me in various ways for the rest of my life, and although it might never go away totally, I’m confident I’m now fighting the war very well and claiming new territory every day! I’m developing a longer-term battle plan that aims to keep lust at bay for the rest of my days.

What has helped me so far?

1) Decide on a great purpose why it will be necessary to give up porn – for me it was in order to honour God with my (entire) life and to enable God to start developing me towards my full potential and strength – which would be required to achieve the long-terms plans He has for my life and my family.

2) Go easy on yourself – there is often an underlying cause (stress, frustration, tiredness, boredom etc.) that makes the battle more difficult at some times than others. Make room for doing the things you really enjoy whenever (or just before) you sense yourself getting tempted to watch pornography (e.g. watch Netflix, go for a walk, gym, play football, badminton, guitar, read a book, anything etc) …whatever helps you relax – it will be better to “waste” two hours watching Netflix in the middle of the day instead of masturbating to pornography (which will rob you of your strength, confidence, time, quality of relationships, and eventually it will kill your sexual desire for your own wife)

- “Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” - Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

3) The first few weeks (up to a month or so) is by far the hardest - after this you get a huge boost in confidence and realise that you can definitely do this 90 day challenge and far more!!!

- First focus on reaching each milestone…7 days, 14 days, 20 days, 30 days, 40 days, 50 days and 90 days. But have a quiet confidence that you can and will go well beyond this… beyond 120 days, 150 days or 365 days. Actually, your plan is to never again become imprisoned by this or any addiction.

- Important: 90 days is NOT your ultimate goal…for some guys have made it this far and then have fallen at day number 91!! However, you are pursuing a life of greatness that cannot afford any room for this type of baggage!

4) Download an app that records how long you have gone without pornography and masturbation – I use a free app called days, which counts the number of days that have passed from the date of an event (instead of counting down as your ultimate goal is to go beyond 30, 60, 90 and 3,600 days). Currently mine says that I have been “Healthy Living for 90 days”.

5) Read testimonies and watch youtube videos about others who are currently further along the journey to freedom – you will get a lot of strength from both their successes and failures. Also, learning from their lessons will make your own journey more successful.

- “If I have seen further it is only by standing on the shoulders of giants” – Isaac Newton

6) If possible, fast for one day every week initially – e.g. go without food and water for one day per week during the first month of your journey. I did this (and sometimes still do) from the time I wake up in the morning until 6pm;

- Rationale: pornography is driven by lust, which is an emotional/physical craving or need. However, if you deprive the body of a more important need (such as food & water) it will more easily give up its craving for lesser important needs, such as pornography and will be instead satisfied with food.

- The bible says that “some kinds of addictions will only be driven out with prayer and fasting” - Mark 9:29

7) Spend a few minutes in the morning praying – that God would give you success and victory this day to overcome this battle, just as he did yesterday.

- Rationale: lust affects every man and can be suddenly triggered off by the next attractive woman who passes by (e.g. a woman jogging, at the gym, on the bus, on the tube, walking on the sidewalk etc.).

- Even if we’ve successfully fended off lust for the past few days or weeks… that does not mean it will go away and never return. We must regard the journey towards freedom as a marathon (not a sprint) and prepare ourselves mentally for a the long game (if necessary – just like a 5 set/3 hour battle between Federer and Nadal), knowing that some days will be much easier than others …but we grow stronger in character each time we overcome the power of lust trying to pull us down.

- “Behold sin is waiting at the door and its desire is to control you. But you must rule over it and be its master” - Genesis 4:7

8) Remind yourself that you are in no way losing out by forfeiting the next opportunity to watch porn (i.e. ignore the voice that tells you… “Go ahead and do it now…because you never know when you might not get another chance to satisfy your needs”). Instead remember that it will be far more fulfilling to find enjoyment in the real pleasures that comes from everyday life.

- The bible says we must “die to ourselves daily” – 1 Corinthians 15:31

- “My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”– Galatians 2:20

- Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there – Galatians 5:24

- “Those who want to save their lives will lose it. But those who lose their lives for me and for the Good News will save it.” – Mark 8:35

9) You will make it bro! - you have already taken the biggest step by realising and acting upon the need for freedom.

- “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take courage, because I have overcome the world” – John 16:33

- “Though a righteous man falls seven times, he will get up, but the wicked will stumble into ruin.” - Proverbs 24: 16

- “Again, I observed this on the earth: the race is not always won by the swiftest, the battle is not always won by the strongest; prosperity does not always belong to those who are the wisest, wealth does not always belong to those who are the most discerning, nor does success always come to those with the most knowledge - for time and chance may overcome them all.” – Ecclesiastes 9:11