Internal Family Systems & My Story

I’ll share my story:


My name is michael I am from Brooklyn NY. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with my grandparents, 2 aunts and my mother. The yelling and be lilting didn’t really stop until I was 12 years old and my mom moved me out of that house. I want to mention the one aunt that was looking after me was agoraphobic (she couldn’t go outside by herself) so I lived a very sheltered childhood with almost no friends. My mom moved out and thought she was doing a great thing but she bought a 1 bedroom apartment and there were 0 boundaries not to mention she lived in fear so she took the bus to work. So she left before I went to school and got home when I was already done with dinner. I felt literally abandoned.


I joined the navy at age 18 to get out of that life, thinking the navy would give me a better life. In some ways it did and in a lot of ways it did not. The navy allowed me to act out pretty much as much as I wanted as long as I could make it to work on time. This went on for about 14 years and 2 divorces. I got forced put because of sex addiction when I was on my last deployment. The navy didn’t know how to handle it. I kind of white knuckled until I moved back to New York after my last divorce.


I found SAA primary purpose (sex addicts anonymous) it I a back to basics approach to addiction.. we work out of the AA big book share our experience and hope on the paragraphs rather than sharing. We also worked the 12 steps in 40 days. It was an eye opening experience. It was like spiritual boot camp. I did that for about 2 years and it changed my life but didn’t keep me sober, my sponsor found SIA and told me to come. I didn’t go until I hit another bottom with my recovery.


SIA (survivors of incest anonymous) is a great program but it does not really offer you a lot of tools to combat what happened to you. I was added to a WhatsApp chat kind of like this and you one of the founding members said before he was allowed to work the steps he needed to work ACA & CODA. It was the first time I heard of ACA and I went on a journey of understanding. I found Tony As steps and his 55 minute video and I was hooked. I started going to online meetings because I was afraid of starting over in a new fellowship.


After a while I stopped attending all 12 steps meetings except SIA and went on an “all parts welcome” experience. I left my then fiancé at the time and start acting out. Going on dating websites spending tons of money. Then I decided to go to an ACA meeting after I realized one day that what I was doing was running away from my problems and I was meeting broken people. I started on a journey of 90 meetings in 90 days I live in NYC so the meetings are plentiful I was going to aca and coda for about 15 days before a part of me was scared I was going to get better.


Then a few weeks after that about a month ago I visited my kids in Virginia Beach and they asked me to stop by at lunch. At first I wasn’t going to. I was going to take a nap and tell them I fell asleep but there was a little voice that said don’t do that so I showed up. My daughter was very happy to see me but nothing prepared me for my sons reaction when he walked into the lunchroom and saw me. His eyes lit up and he was SO EXCITED. My heart smile and at that moment I felt this feeling that I felt at 10 and at 2 years old. It was the feeling that I got when my dad didn’t come to my 5th grade graduation and when I was in my crib and no one picked me up. That was on Monday. I came back from Virginia on Tuesday and realized that there was a part of me that wanted to get better but do it alone. If I was going to do it alone I was choosing that. My fiancé was staring to move on and on Wednesday I went over and told her I wanted to work it out. That was 10/25 that night I felt that feeling again and because I was in a safe place I grieved loneliness and cried more than I ever had. When I woke up I felt a clarity come over me. Like for the first time in my life I didn’t WANT TO ACT OUT.


Then I went on a quest to find the right therapist for me. I found an IFS therapist (this is parts therapy and it has changed my life). I also found a mindfulness class on Wednesday’s and it helps me live in the present. I haven’t been to an ACA meeting but I have some in reserves. I started working the steps and got up to step 3. IFS (Internal Family system) and ACA has really changed my life.

 

29 days!