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30 weeks pregnant and discovered partners PA, devastated

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Sadandalone82, Nov 25, 2018.

  1. Sadandalone82

    Sadandalone82 Fapstronaut

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    I have been through a lot of trauma in my life and after finally breaking free from a 10 year physically and mentally abusive relationship I thought I had found the the one. My boyfriend has been loving, caring and kind to me for the 2 years we have been together. There's always been an issue in the background with him not always being able to maintain an erection all of the time but it worked most of the time and I loved him and didn’t want to embarrass him so much I just carried on without saying much about it. I was shocked when I discovered he had been leaving distasteful comments under women's pics on FB like "nice ass" and "sexy" but I confronted him and he said sorry and he wouldn't do it again. Then I accidentally came across some strange text messages in his I watch - I googled the numbers and local escort sites appeared - again silly me believed him when he said he was just looking at it and did text them but nothing happened beyond that. Fast forward to today I am 30 weeks pregnant and around 1 month ago I saw emails that he was sending to online sex services where they send dirty pics and talk dirty to him and ask him to put in credit card details. We were going on a holiday/working trip for me to Colorado and he was asking these girls if they would do an incall to our hotel! (I was going to be working on some days in Colorado). This was unrealistic because none of the girls were based there but all the same it was devastating to see this and literally took all the breath out of my body. I confronted him and he tried to deny it at first but then when he could no longer deny it he admitted it and said sorry, that he has an issue but he loves me and doesn't want to do it anymore. He promised he would never do it again- I literally have been waking up crying in the night uncontrollably about this I was so hurt he convinced me to give him a chance and that he loves me and when we went to Colorado I tried to initiate sex because by now we have not had sex for 5 months and it's not because I don't want to. We used to have sex however it was never often after the first few months and I did always wonder why but I just thought he didn't have a high sex drive or it was because of the fact he can't always maintain an erection so just doesn't want it as much. More recently though he had not been able to maintain an erection all - and Since being pregnant that has been the excuse when you couldn’t tell and I just found out. He never initiates if I do he pulls away which is humiliating and then if he does try he fails so makes it worse. He has literally never gone near me since I said I was pregnant which breaks my heart. To be it seemed to be an excuse. Even though I am thought of as attractive and get plenty of attention outside the home I couldn’t help but feel like the most disgusting thing in the planet and that he was repulsed by me it’s one of the most soul destroying feelings I have ever had. When we returned from Denver I went to the doctors with him (after the email episode I felt I couldn’t be with him unless we fixed the ED as I thought this was leading to the porn use) and we got him tested for any physical issue and also got him signed up for a sexual counseller which he hasn't seen yet due to waiting list. The doc gave us some ED pills. We tried it once and it didn't work so we went back to get a stronger dose But he then started refusing to try it (I'm getting very pregnant now) I know some guys don’t like the thought of sex with their pregnant partner but by this time I was getting myself in a state because my thoughts were if I don’t please him then he will look for is satisfaction online again which is devastating to me. I really wanted to please him and would of done anything he wanted sexually to stop him having to do all that. A week ago I found his entire google search history for the last year he is pretty much watching porn everyday and looking at escort sites and searching for dirty things online all day almost everyday. The penny has now dropped this is not just a problem of occasional use he is masturbating literally all day everyday - he doesn’t do it because he has ED he has ED because he does it! He isn't working at the moment so whilst I'm out pregnant and earning money to keep the house going he is looking at this stuff morning noon and night. Im not sure if he has visited an escort in real life but it's a massive possibility based on the fact he texts them and I saw a text saying that he was at the cash point and googled the number and it was an escort number. He says that he was just entertaining a conversation to get pictures from her but doesn’t sound promising does it I didn’t tell him immediately that I had access to the google search history and he was still being all lovey Dovey with me and cuddly and kind when I would get home after an entire day of porn- he would get on it as soon as I left the house. I have now told him I know everything and asked him to leave. He is minimising and justifiying his behaviour, feeling sorry for himself and dragging his feet saying he has nowhere to go. I love this man so much but there is no way I can live with this - I think it would be better to break up I can’t imagine what staying in this would mean for me my self esteem and mental health. He doesn’t want to go - our plan for our little family is destroyed I would appreciate any advice on this as I’m so lost
     
  2. Lossproof

    Lossproof Fapstronaut

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    Did u tell him about NoFap ?
     
  3. Sadandalone82

    Sadandalone82 Fapstronaut

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    No I haven’t told him about nofap mainly because he seems like he is in denial - he has glimpses of remorse but then keeps saying things like everyone does it even probably your mom! What’s my problem, why I’m I spoiling everything by throwing away the relationship just for this small reason etc so not sure it’s the right time?
     
  4. CTRL + DEL

    CTRL + DEL Fapstronaut

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    If it weren't for your pregnant state, I'd seriously urge you to leave a guy like that behind because not only is he a blatant hypocrite, he's definitely not mentally developed enough to understand and accept that his behaviour is pathetic, selfish, disgraceful and above all- hurtful to the person who loves him most.

    You should really sit down with him and have a long and thorough conversation. And I'm certain that he'll apologise. When he does, tell him that he needs to prove his words and install a monitoring app on his phone. To be fair, you can install one on your phone too so the both of you have some means of mutual reassurance.

    It's not foolproof but it's a start. And right now, that'll be enough. I'm honestly revolted by a man who can put his PREGNANT wife through this. You need to be relaxed and happy for most of this time because your hormones will affect your baby too. And apparently, he doesn't understand that he'll expose his own son (God forbid daughter) to such despicable behaviour as well.

    For now, however, just start off with the basic steps to a mutual understanding.

    I wish you a happy life lady. Please see that counsellor as soon as you can.

    And please. Try to be happy :)
    For the little baby :D
     
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  5. Sadandalone82

    Sadandalone82 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your advice and support -and yes it is a daughter I will have that chat l. if he shows any signs of wanting to change then maybe the monitoring could be a start but honestly the frequency of his indulgence and then the denial seems pretty extreme. Like you said gonna try and keep happy for my daughters sake x
     
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  6. thekingfisher

    thekingfisher Fapstronaut

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    I'm very sorry to hear about the situation you're in, I think you've been very caring and patienced with him and he hasn't shown any appreciation for it. The fact that he's in denial doesn't seem that he's willing to change his behaviour any time soon. In the end it's you who must make a decision. I understand how hard it is as he'll be the father of your baby.

    You mentioned that you're thought of as attractive and you probably are, don't let the behaviour of your partner change those thoughts. The problem is him and not you.

    I wish you the very best.
     
    Sadandalone82 likes this.
  7. Sadandalone82

    Sadandalone82 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your kind words, I wanted to post here to see if this community would have a different view as have more experience in these matters but I think everyone can see it’s a lost cause
     
  8. CTRL + DEL

    CTRL + DEL Fapstronaut

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    Please understand what whatever thoughts you're having and whatever emotions you're going through now is a natural response to an unnatural situation. But doesn't that make the response a tad bit unnatural too? You're feeling incompetent and are faced with the dual responsibility of supporting a baby as well as mending your broken self-esteem. I truly sympathise with you but perhaps female advice will suit you better?

    That's why I'm tagging the a few female members here:
    @Kenzi
    @AnonymousAnnaXOXO
    @Jennica
    (To you 3, idk if you can help but you're the female members I see posting most around the forums so please pardon my random mention)

    As for what I have to add, I'll just say this- please prepare for the worst but hope for the best :) It's not a lost cause just yet- and if it is, that's on him. And one day, he'll reach this conclusion as well. It'll be too late then but I want you to know that as a person- he will eventually learn of his errors (as they call it, the hard way).

    But till then, I want you and your little girl to be the happiest mom and baby alive :D

    Please check this forum at intervals because i'm sure at least 1 or 2 of those 3 people I tagged will reply (not to mention others browsing).

    We are all with you in heart and spirit.
     
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  9. Sadandalone82

    Sadandalone82 Fapstronaut

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    Your advice, perspective and kind words mean the world to me - thank you x
     
  10. Sadandalone82

    Sadandalone82 Fapstronaut

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    Hi Kenzi, thank you for your advice - i haven’t mentioned recovery as he is In denial. I have learned so
    Much about this issue I’m a few days but wasn’t sure whether to talk to
    Him about it if he is trying to pretend there isn’t a massive issue.
     
  11. Mckell

    Mckell Fapstronaut

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    This story is devastating. I’m sobbing as I read it because- your husband is me 20 years ago. I am still with my wife and she is my world. TV “sex experts” and even the Surgeon General” used to say that porn use and masturbation were harmless and normal- the internet did change all that. Be mindful that your husband is in the midst of madness. He will lie, he will deny, he will minimize, he will fail to comprehend that this goes beyond him... My relationship with my wife is forever changed. My sense of self is forever turned upside down: “How could I have done this?” I am still scared that I was able to say “I’m a good person/ husband” and still do this. The reality is I am not. It is a REALLY tough journey. He will need to recognize, completely examine his sense of self and commit totally ( there will be setbacks and painful change) He will need to come to the realization of the abuse he has inflicted upon you- and this can take time- no one wants to accept that they are an abuser. YOU have the most difficult journey-if you choose to stay. Express your hurt and anger to him-and he needs to acknowledge it and truly understand it. ( again, this will take T-I-M-E) Zero tolerance needs to be the expectation no ifs ands or buts. The most difficult thing- you are going to have to try to forgive. This will be incredibly easy to say and incredibly hard to do. The relationship I had with my Wife is forever gone. The relationship we have today is...more realistic. I’m not her knight in shining armor. She mourns the loss. She still has anger and I still have shame and guilt. Please don’t “throw the bum out” without giving a bit of Grace. I’ve walked in your husbands shoes and am eternally grateful that my wife chose to stay with me-she had no reason to. I wish/hope/fervently pray you both find a way through this.
     
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  12. Sadandalone82

    Sadandalone82 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for taking the time to tell me your story and I’m in awe of you for changing - truly changing in any toxic situation is the hardest thing in the world. It’s great to get an insight from your point of view in terms of when you said “don’t throw the bum out” this is what I’m finding difficult, his inability to accept what he’s done and then actually turning it on me is disturbing. I’m wondering whether it’s best to hold up my barriers unless he admits it in which case I would share what I know so far about recovery. I’m worried if I appear all caring and try to “fix” him then the owness goes back to me again and he has free reign to destroy me again. Did you have some time away from your wife when she first found out? What did she do that made you understand that she was serious?
     
  13. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I’m sorry you found yourself here but under your heartbreaking ordeal I’m glad you found NoFap as it’s a great way to start.

    There is an SO private group here in on NF and open forums rebooting while in a relationship, partner support and SO journal forum. These open forums have many PA’s and SO’s trying to navigate and understand this addiction while in relationships.

    AnonymousAnna has a great thread for resources for SO’s and PA’s that will help you begin to understand what happening to you and him. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...-to-both-pa-and-so.108414/page-6#post-1768295

    @GhostWriter is a wealth of knowledge and he is fantastic at “telling it like it is” strategy that I have seen help many SO’s and PA’s alike independently and couples jointly.

    Kenzie has an amazing thread on boundaries that can help enable you to help create a safe place for you while going through this.

    If your PA/SA has taken his addiction into real life (the mention of the possibility of escorts) I would recommend some kind of affair recovery too. Bloom for women is also a fantastic place to seek further help and resources for what you are going through. There are a few SO’s that are both NF and Bloom. Having a balance in your healthy support for healing between someone you trust Real life but keep in mind not everyone understands or tries to understand this sort of thing so I would put thought into whom you open up to and why. My husband I started this we have very close friends (husband and wife) we could talk to, they know everything and the the husband is 20+ Years AA recovery. Think about appropriate therapy (I believe Kenzi has the breakdown of appropriate therapists) along with NF will help you no matter if you choose to stay with him or not. Self care is going to be huge while going through the grief cycles. Take time for you!

    @IAmLegend no worries on tagging. NF is a support community, that’s what we all try to do.
     
  14. CTRL + DEL

    CTRL + DEL Fapstronaut

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    Hahahahahaha i'm cracking up here
    Hahahahahahahaha

    Wrong name XD

    But hey- thanks :D
     
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  15. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Nice, easy to miss read I guess while having my first cup of coffee. You got the message though!
     
    CTRL + DEL likes this.
  16. Mckell

    Mckell Fapstronaut

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    You
    I wish I could say that all it took was my Wife to confront me and I saw the light and changed immediately. Not the case. I had built up so many denial and defense mechanisms. How else can a brain/ego rationalize doing something completely evil and insane? I too tried throwing it back on her. I tried everything to avoid taking the responsibility and I assume your husband will too- it’s the death throes of the false self he’s built up. How did I know she was serious? She made it unmistakably clear that she was done with me. She owned NONE of it(and you can’t either!) I’m sure if we didn’t have young children she would have left and been completely justified in doing so. Make him own your anger and hurt. I’m not going to sugar coat this- it will be hellish and difficult. Be vocal and convincing that you want him out of your life if he doesn’t fix himself -and fixing him is not your job. He’s the one that needs to do that. I’m glad to see that you’re getting input from other people who have been dragged into this by their spouses, boyfriends etc. They can supply insight that I can’t. I wish you and your family so much good will. Please reach out if needed
     
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  17. Inspirer

    Inspirer Fapstronaut

    My heart is crying for u. May GOD put some sincerity in your husband's heart.
     
  18. CTRL + DEL

    CTRL + DEL Fapstronaut

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    To be really honest man, a part of my hopes every single day that I become the best possible person I can be when I grow up. And I'm already 18.

    Posts like this really dig deep man. This is what happens when adults behave like immature children and always satisfy short term pleasures.

    I hope i can quit too so my partner won't have to face this in the future...
     
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  19. Mckell

    Mckell Fapstronaut

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    I wish that I had your insight at 18. You nailed it on the head! Consider my post “the ghost of Christmas Future” -a likely reality if you choose not to change.
     
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  20. Sadandalone82

    Sadandalone82 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you again I can’t tell you how much your insight helps.
     
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