My wife is my trigger

Yep. Remove everything that isn't helping!

Being dedicated without resentment is for sure difficult. Sounds good that she has been trying to heal (for you). Hang in there, bud.

 

Hey thanks for posting. I am in a similar boat I think. I have struggled to make peace with my wife’s asexuality for most of our life together. I think it must be possible to have an otherwise fulfilling asexual marriage, but I don’t know quite how. Keep trying!

 

I bet you can do even better. (This is a challenge to myself as well, as I have made the same exact claim.)

I bet you can let go, entirely, of needing your wife to be any different than she is. You can find peace and prosperity within yourself, and you can share it with her and with your kids, and maybe with others as well.

I believe it is possible for everyone.

 

so my situation is not the same - but a little similar so I kinda get where you're at. I agree that the highest goal is to be in a place where we don't need our wives' affirmation, or where we as men don't need sex. I spent several years telling myself I could get by without sex just fine - but I dove into PMO instead.

I'm not saying that that is what has to happen. I was in a dumb place and took the emotional short-cut that was familiar. However, I now think that needs like affirmation and sex are real, deep, and legitimate needs - and I still really don't like admitting that. that being said, I think it is possible to get along healthily, even in a relationship, without them. Possible - but not easy. we have to own the fact that at some deep, dna level we have a drive, a need for those and similar things. we cannot pretend that does not exist. secondly I think we need to be intentional about how we deal with it - frequently reminding ourselves of what we are doing, and why.

Lastly, we need to be eternally vigilant against resentment. when we give up something that deeply seated, it's easy even years later to feel resentful.

No real solution offered here. just some thoughts and advance warning of the mines in the road...

 

Hey, sir. First and foremost, thank you for reaching out. While it might not seem like much, it takes strength to identify that there is a problem, so I admire you for wanting to make things better. Out of curiosity, have you ever read the book called "Cupid's Poison Arrow" by Marnia Robinson. It offers a unique perspective on love and may provide you with a new way to look at and appreciate your wife.

 

Thanks for this thread guys. My wife also has issues around sexuality and is something she wants to work on. It seems like it's something that's gotten worse as the marriage evolved and I dove deeper into the porn abyss to compensate. It's something I didn't want to admit. On some level I wanted to pretend I didn't need sex either.

My wife is a trigger for resentment because sometimes I look at her and think "you've just let yourself go... you don't care about my needs. You like the fact I use porn because it keeps me away from you." This is probably paranoia and it's very chicken-and-egg because until I recover (and she does more work on herself in parallel) there's no way we'll really know whether sex is ever coming back into our lives. Not to mention my addiction has probably contributed heavily to her "letting herself go".

 

Just as she is your trigger , I can almost guarantee you are hers . Fix you . She then fixes herself and then you can fix the relationship.

 

I can relate. I am blessed to have a wife who is physically everything I am attracted to. We were very active when we started dating seriously and moved in together. She's almost 4 months pregnant and for 2 months we didn't have any sex at all. which was a big shift from everynight right before then.

My wife is a big trigger for me especially if she's walking around the house in a "comfortable" outfit

 

Thank you sir, this is baby #2, we are all very excited, especially our daughter to be a big sister.

 

Im in a near sexless marriage myself. For yrs we fucked like rabbits but over time her desire for sex has all but gone. Plagued with chronic pain issues, over medication and childhood drama hasnt helped her. Its sad because she loved having sex. Last time we made love was too painful for her. I hurt her like i was john holmes. (Showing my age) I dealt with it by PMOing. Started resenting her...probably would have had a affair if i could found the time.
Thanks to Nofap i now accept her for the person she is. Ive only MOed once in the past 30 days and any mental need for sex has greatly dimished.

 

Remove everything that can be a trigger from sight or easy access. After the healing process is complete, you will look differently at the pictures of her, and she won't be a trigger anymore.

Godspeed

 

If only it were as easy as taking down a few pictures. Those of us who live with our wives don’t have the option of removing everything that may be a trigger.

Maybe this deserves its own thread...Anyone have tips for getting past all the potential sexuality of a partner?

 

My advice is to remove everything that can be a trigger.