The Rock Bottom I Wanted

Day 17

I'm very excited for our second full weekend together. We have a lot of stuff planned tomorrow including seeing the new Halloween. My first meeting is tomorrow as well.

I ordered the book "Facing the Shadow" by Patrick Carnes and am looking forward to diving into it. My therapist keeps telling me that I need to not feel shame - but that's definitely easier said than done.

I'm feeling real good so far and can't wait for that 30-day milestone.

 

Day 30

I have been looking forward to this day for a long time. Thirty days since d-day and I haven’t had any serious issues. The problem is my wife has. She’s trying so hard to put on a brave face, but broke down last weekend when we were out of town with good friends.

It was a previously scheduled trip before all this happened and I think she really wanted to make it through, but at dinner Saturday she couldn’t handle it. She gets anxiety as well, and has gotten it every single night for the past month, and she couldn’t even sit at the table.

I couldn’t see her struggle anymore and we had nowhere to go so I came somewhat clean to my friends. I didn’t dive into SA but told them I had been unfaithful and we are working through it. They were incredibly supportive. That being said, she has been very depressed since then.

She saw the other two couples as “normal” and realized she is stuck with me and the horrible thing I’ve done to her.

She told me today I had been an incredible husband this past month and she will try to not be sad or mad anymore. Easier said then done.

Does any SO have any tips now that we are 30 days in?

As for me, I’m still seeing a therapist and I’ve kept busy but haven’t been on here much. I need to make it a point to keep this as a resource.

I am really starting to see the ripple effect of all this as we are also looking ahead to Thanksgiving with our families.

I’m more concerned with her at this point as she feels like no one is on her side. She is meeting with other SA SOs soon. I hope it helps.

I’ve wanted to see this day for so long, but for some reason I am very sad today.

But it’s time to focus on my next goal.

 

Thank you for the responses.

Day 31

We are excited for the weekend. We have a lot going on so it should be fun. She told me she had the worst anxiety she’s had last night. I know she wants to and is trying so hard, I just feel terrible still.

I know I also need to stay vigilant in my process and my recovery but I can’t help thinking of her and hoping she heals. It is disheartening to hear some SOs aren’t able to ever fully heal. But I know I will try my hardest.

 

Day 35

I’m about to reach five weeks since “d-day”. Boy has it been a long 35 days. I don’t mean that in that I’ve struggled to not relapse, actually the opposite. But to see what my wife has gone through has been incredibly tough.

I was so lost, I had come to terms that I’m a pathetic terrible human being. I am slowly turning that mindset around, but this obviously caught my wife by complete surprise.

I was the invincible normal husband she always dreamed of... Not the addict she used to be engaged to. Hell, even I convinced myself of my spotless record despite hiding this horrific secret.

I have shattered her image of me into so many pieces. Day by day I am proving I can pick them back up.

We had our best weekend yet, although I had trouble answering her questions Friday night. I had normalized everything so much I couldn’t understand why she didn’t understand.

I’m still learning. And I know we will continue to grow.

 

Thank you so much. I know she wants to be over this and be “fine” from here on out. I also know that’s impossible. She was being very snippy and kinda mean Friday and on our way home from an event she said she’s sorry she’s not sure why she was like that.

I told her she doesn’t need to apologize. These are the effects of trauma and it is 100% because of my actions. We both know the road we have ahead, but the support and advice on here is crucial to my recovery and her emotional healing.

My best wishes for your SO and more importantly- you.

 

Hello, Day 40.

When I was the “middle” of my addiction it was a struggle to reach four days sober let alone 40. I am so happy to be posting this morning, I will talk more about our weekend tomorrow... but I just wanted to toot my own horn today. The celebration is short lived, I know, because I can never get ahead of myself or too confident. Ever. But we have had a great weekend and I wanted to just reiterate again how much better life can be in recovery.

 

Day 41

We are heading home to see our families this week for thanksgiving. It’s the first time we’ll be with them since all this happened. We are both a little nervous, obviously, especially after what happened on our first trip out of town with friends.

That being said, her mother knows and we are having Thanksgiving with her first. Does anyone have any advice, tips for a situation like this?

As for last weekend, we had a great one. We got some errands done, watched some tv and talked a little about SA.

I really appreciate how kind she has been and how hard she has been trying. I fear if she doesn’t talk to others soon, her emotions may come out all at once.

She was already on here, but I think she needs someone in person. She feels no one she has told can understand what she has been going through.

Im hoping all goes well.

 

not yet. I have urged her several times.

 

Day 48

I haven’t posted recently because we went out of town to visit our families and I wanted to focus on that and not being on my iPad.

My laptop is still locked away since that was my main accomplice in all this.

I felt great. I never had any urges despite me sleeping alone with my wife at her family’s home in the evenings.

She kept mentioning to me how sad she was. I have urged her again to talk to a professional. She wants to but hasn’t taken that step. My therapist wants to sit down with her and other SO of SA. But she is a little uneasy as it is MY therapist and she says that he shouldn’t be involved. She would rather meet with them privately. Has anyone had experience with this?

Safe to say this is the longest I have gone without P .... probably since I was 15. I don’t know for sure but I can’t imagine I ever lasted this long. Of course, my final downfall was escalating to cam chat roulette sites where I would interact with others - occasionally I’ll think about those but then I’ll reflect on the pain they have caused and I’ll immediately realize how sad it all is.

I don’t think about it in a sense that I want to go on them, just that they come into my head for one reason or another or no reason at all.

48 days is an amazing accomplishment for me which in and of itself is sad. But I am working every day on myself and my relationship. Our road remains long. But my determination hasn’t faded.

 

Yes, definitely. she was the first to bring it up. I have been careful when I have to not offend her. I think she knows it’s for the best but I will stress that it is not her fault.

Thank you. I will check them out.

 

Yeah she’s the one that has been initiating the convo. Ironically she has been a big therapist advocate her whole life, and I was the one that thought marriage counseling is dumb (before d-day). I think part of me was afraid because of my addiction.

But I have never been forceful and definitely gently encouraging and listening.

I just don’t know how to help her depression. Our relationship has done a 180 and I haven’t had any issues with relapses, I think she knows how long the road is. She desperately wants to stop feeling sad.