My story, my struggle

I have a hard time relating to some people on here because they are only interested in making X amount of days, and to me that means they haven't acknowledged or don't understand the truth of the issue. This is a forever thing for me. I don't want to stop for 10 days or 14 days, I want to STOP.
I am 27 yrs old. My first experience with P was when I was 11 yrs old. I had no idea what my friend was showing me and I didn't understand why my body reacted like it did... I just didn't know. I was just a naive little kid, and no one had ever talked to me about that stuff, or much less warned me. Well, that was the start of it for me. For some reason I knew I felt bad, but my body felt good, and ever so slowly I began on a path. I've been struggling with this ever since- for 16 yrs. My conscience convicted me almost the moment I first saw this stuff, and I realized it was wrong. And it is wrong for SO many different reasons. I have been FIGHTING and FIGHTING and FIGHTING. Over the years I've had few of what I would call successes (I have only ever felt successful when I was able to abstain for at least like 3 months, and that has only happened a handful of times). I have had many, many failures.
I got married a year and a half ago, my wife is the only woman I've ever slept with (which I am SO grateful for, because anyone who has waited knows that’s a struggle in itself, and honestly to God be the glory- I was more lucky than I was strong). Before I got married, I had heard a few times that some people preferred P to sex, and since I had never had sex, I just did NOT understand that. I mean, I thought, “WHAT could be better than sex!?! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!” Well, when my wife and I started dating, desire for ANYTHING except her just automatically went out the window for me. I went without issues for over a year after we were married (longest I've ever gone). To be honest, I thought the dragon (as I think of it) was dead.
HOWEVER, I was wrong. My wife is pregnant now, and I have a son on the way. I don't know if it's the pregnancy, or something else, but we haven't been as "active" for the past few months and she's just felt very tired and as a result, less motivated (which I can totally understand and don't want to make her feel bad). I have been struggling again for months now. In one sense, I feel terrible about myself; I feel like a hypocrite. I want to be a man of honor and integrity- one that glorifies God, but I have this huge blemish in my life. In another sense, I am more filled with hope than I ever have been. I KNOW that I will be liberated from this. I know that God will come through and answer my prayers. I have a wife now, and a son on the way, and I love God, and because of those things I have no choice but to free of this. As a result of this new found hope, lately when I’ve failed, I am able to move on much quicker. I used to dwell in my failures almost constantly, and beat myself up mercilessly because I felt I "deserved" it. I hated myself and I HATED HATED HATED, beyond what I can even convey with words, this darkness, this dragon, that was in my life. I realize now that reacting that way caused me to dwell on the problem a whole lot, and I believe that it was just another way for the enemy to consume me with it. All the time I was either consumed in guilt, anger, and hatred, or in P, and for so many years, it was THE problem in my life… and as a result, the focal point.
Over the years, I have opened up to countless different friends, mentors, my parents, my pastor(s), and anyone that I ever thought might be able to help me kill this thing. If it would help, I would literally go on national television and admit my struggle, because there is not ANYTHING that I wouldn’t do to kill this thing. With as many people as I’ve told though, and sought advice from, no one ever followed through with me and it usually just became me asking for help over and over again until I stopped asking. I don’t know why I am even posting this. I guess because I am impressed that there are other people out there that are struggling so honestly with these things like I have. Our generation has been done a huge disservice. Literally it’s like there is an assault on the male psyche, because we are bombarded with garbage long before we are old enough to understand it, and there is just such an overwhelming amount of P so readily available, it’s alarming. It’s devastatingly sad, and I am scared for my son. I want to be able to warn him, to educate him on this battle so that he does not have to navigate these dark waters alone. As you all know, it can be such a lonely battle…

 

Thanks for the encouragement, guys. I appreciate your honesty! The weekend was good, and today was the first time I've felt a slight "urge" since last week- I refrained. Octonacho- the 72 hours thing is a great idea. And to you and Goodcreature, I have had a few conversations with my wife about this. I've admitted that I was struggling again (humbling experience- she already knew about my past struggles before we were married), and she has been very encouraging in her words to me and in prayer and always agrees to "help" in any way she can. We did not come to any specific time agreement like 72 hours, but that might be a part of the answer for us, because although she's willing, I find it hard to be honest with her when I start getting "that feeling". Also, thanks for the scripture- in my experience it's one of THE best defenses. Stay strong, boys! Saying a prayer for you 4.. - Blessings

 

Feeling "the urge" yesterday and again today. Yesterday was very difficult, but I made it through prayer and good decisions. Today is worse. It's like the urge is pulsing inside me, getting stronger until it feels almost unbearable, then receding for a while, then coming back stronger. I look on here, and I see those of you that have failed in the past day or few days, and I KNOW what you are feeling... and that is what is keeping me going right now. It has been a reality check for me. If anyone reads this, and you are saved, I would appreciate prayer. Thanks, and blessings to you guys

 

Still going strong, guys. This is the first day in about a week that I've really been feeling that urge again. I don't know if any of you have ever felt this, but earlier I was struggling a bit and I just got this feeling that was a mixture of hopelessness and just a complete lack of caring. It was only for a moment, but it was enough to jumpstart me into a google search. "Just to see what's out there" and "only the really soft stuff (effort to keep from feeling guilt) =(", I reasoned with myself... and I started watching a video (not p, but right on the edge) Then I had a moment of clarity and thought to myself, "this is the stupidest thing I've ever done. This is really, really dumb and there's just no excuse for it and it's not going to help me and it will only destroy me". So I stopped. I shut everything off. I logged onto here and I'm praying now, and thanking God for another victory. A close call, but a victory. I don't count every day, but when I logged on I realized that it's been 23 days still my last fall in this area, and man... YAHHHOOOOOO!!!! I'm stoked about that. Just wanted to give you guys an update.. an honest one, and thank you guys again for the support. I can't tell you how much it helps being able to have this community at your fingertips. What a blessing! Saying a prayer for you guys.. stay STRONG!

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Tim 1:7

You are warriors. Stand up for women. Fight the fight. Be men.

 

Looks like I spoke too soon. I went home to workout for a while and just.... failed. I didn't actually view P, but I viewed "a scantily clad girl". It came back and I just buckled... Feeling like CRAP. Sort of not thinking about it to avoid the guilt I think. Trying not to think about the fact that in 1 stupid decision I threw away 23 days of purity. =( Trying not to think about the fact that I did something that is so offensive to the two things I care about most in this world- God and my wife. Feeling defeated.

I know that He has already forgiven me, I just don't want to forgive myself. There is something in me that just keeps screaming that I don't deserve it- I WANT to hate myself. But there's also another part of me that sees that God and God alone is the one I have offended and He alone is the one who has the right to punish, but He doesn't.. He has forgiven me and He loves me. Therefore, I really don't have any right to hate myself, do I?
Lord, take my pride, and humble me. And take this sin out of my life forever.

Psalm 51:3&4 "For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment."

"Forgiveness is the remission of sins. For it is by this that what has been lost, and was xfound, is saved from being lost again." St. Augustine

 

mr_scary, I don't deny that a nasty habit has been formed. I also don't deny that I have STRUGGLED with guilt, always. I even agree with your "physiological/energetic/habit" thing. I know that is all true. However, I don't think you see the whole picture, man. I'm not trying to put the responsibility on an "entity" (God), so that I can use that as an excuse to not try.. that's not it AT ALL. In fact, my belief in Him only makes me want to put MORE effort in. The struggle of the body and the mind is only a part of it- God DOES exist, and so does the devil. I'm not trying to be mystical or weird or anything like that, but it's just the truth. Evidence of Him is everywhere. I mean, look around, man! Why not just consider that there's more to it than just struggling with addiction? Why not consider that there is such a thing as good and evil, and that if those exist, then a war between the two might exist too? Why not consider that we might be caught in the middle, no.. that we might be the subject matter of that war? I have been fighting this a LONG time. It's so blatantly obvious in my story, that there's more than just a "physiological/energetic/mental habit" at work here. There are thought out assaults using that "physiological/energetic/mental habit". There is also a saving grace, and I believe in that saving grace with everything that I am.

Ephesians 6:12 "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."

I realize that you probably don't believe in the Bible, and so backing up what I believe with something you don't believe might not make a whole lot of sense to you. But the truth is, if God is real, it really doesn't matter what you believe... It's like, you might not believe in trees, but I can assure you they still exist
God is real, man, and there is something out there doing EVERYTHING he can to make sure you don't recognize that fact..

Hope I'm not coming across aggressively- that's not my intention. Also, if your counter is up to date- props to you on 125 days. That's awesome!

 

OR, you simply closed your eyes to the truth...

Humor me for a second- IF there was a devil, and he hated God and hated YOU, don't you think his greatest goal would be to convince you that God does not exist? It's his greatest atrocity. If Satan were real, he wouldn't need you to believe in him, he would only need you to NOT believe in God.

You and I have a very different view on the spiritual realm. It may have frightened you, and I completely understand that. But I am not frightened by the things I was talking about and I'm certainly not a child =)
Just because something frightens you, that's not a very good reason to put your head in the sand and then say, "hey, it disappeared! Must not have been real...". I'm sorry, but that's just foolish.

I don't know if you're much of a reader, but I am. I'm going to refer you to someone a lot smarter than I am, someone with a gift for philosophy and logic.. if you're interested, check out C.S. Lewis. Mere Christianity is an EXCELLENT read and really goes into depth about the existence of God in an unbiased way (Lewis was an atheist). Another good read by him was Screwtape Letters which has a lot to do with what we're talking about- the devil and other "evil" forces. I really enjoyed both of those books- they really stretched my mind and my heart.

Just out of curiosity, is your 126 days accurate?

Blessings...

 

Dude, no offense, but let's "move on"? You started this conversation, and you're the one with the attitude. It could have ended anytime, and I'm not sure what UFO's have to do with this. Just an observance, but it's obvious there's more to this than just unbelief- you've got an agenda, and you've got a lot of anger at the idea of "God". Either you're not as honest with yourself or as resolved in your decision as you're letting on or you're just trying to get someone stirred up. Best of luck to you, and again, congrats on 127 days.

 

mumchance, I am a Christian. As such, I believe that everyone needs God, regardless of whether they look at P or not.

I'm not sure if I misunderstood, but it sure felt like mr_scary was trying to convince me that I dont need God, and beyond that, was trying to make it seem ridiculous that I would ever actually believe in Him. Which honestly, is fine, I don't mind being thought of as dumb or ridiculous, lol. I didn't mean to come across rude, or with an agenda, I only wanted to respond to his posts. I wasn't trying to belittle anyone or anyone's view, to be honest, I just felt like he was belittling mine.

Anyways, this is sort of feeling like a "he said, she said" situation and feels a little childish. Honestly, man, I just love God and want to do what's right. I post on here to encourage people, and because I've been really encouraged by other's posts, isn't that what this is all about? That being said (and I really don't mean this offensively), if I'm asked a question, I'm going to respond with an honest answer, and I don't mean that to be offensive. Just honest..

 

Sorry this got so intense, guys. I honestly never intended it to.