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Determined to change

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by EreWeGoAgain, Dec 3, 2018.

  1. EreWeGoAgain

    EreWeGoAgain Fapstronaut

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    Hello all. Appreciate a place to be able to actually share this journey. Porn addiction is the most lonely thing, as even though I have shared it with numerous people, I can never sustain the conversation as I am too ashamed.

    I'd like to share a bit of my story.

    When I was 10 years old, I went along to a camp. It was mostly boys my age in the tent I was in, but there was a 15 year old who joined us. He talked to us about 'Tommy tanks' wanks. I'd never heard of masturbation before. He encouraged us to try it, and a most of us did.

    He also showed my my first piece of pornography. I wasn't interested in it at all, as I was such a young kid.

    But within a few years, I accessed it through a friend and the addiction began to PMO.

    It was a constant theme of my teenage years. I later got married and hoped that would be the time to draw a line with my porn use and masturbation.

    Ten years ago my wife walked in on me while I was in a online chat room. I thought she was asleep. We ended up getting counselling and she was monumentally hurt by my actions.

    I felt horrible, couldn't go on. Couldn't bare to look at myself in the mirror. It stopped for a while, through the sheer horror of the experience of being caught. But after a number of months went by I went away for a night with work (by myself) and ended up watching a music video and masturbating. I confessed this, but my wife was once again heartbroken. So when I did it again, I couldn't bare to tell her.

    One of the most puzzling things for me personally has been how I can do something that I despise, to hurt the person, or people that I really love.

    So this carried on. I started to look at things that I would have been disgusted at, sick to the stomach of (nothing illegal) and that made me aroused. It was like going through a door, that lead to another to another, and I was like 'How did I even get here?' it was like I was changing and morphing into someone when I was engaging in PMO that I didn't even recognise. I also craved the interaction through chatrooms and cams that fed that 'new experience' as every time it would be slightly different.

    I would waste hours and hours. I dread to think about what my total hours spent on porn and chatrooms would be. Days and months of my life have been consumed by this poisonous addiction.

    I began to even cam and do things for others online. I'd come off and be so disgusted at myself. But would have to try and pretend like I was fine otherwise my wife would suspect. Inside I was torn apart.

    Spending a bit of money on the side to fuel my camming habit too. I often work in an empty office and it so tempting when my work is not pressing, to go and have a surf online and engage in PMO.

    I confessed again to my wife in 2015, as I was so determined to stop. She was heartbroken again and couldn't believe all these years that I had still been doing it. And that I had lied to her, and deceived her about it.

    So for a number of months again, I stopped. And then I relapsed again. And the more I have tried to carry on by myself the more impossible it has become.

    I have been abstaining for almost 3 weeks now. But I am desperate to change. I have four kids and I know I am putting everything at risk by continuing to pursue this. I so want to stop. But in the moment I want PMO so bad that I choose that instead. I am tired of being so weak. I love my family, and I love my job, but I could lose it all if I carry on. I need this group and am grateful to get to share the journey with you all.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. GoPhonix

    GoPhonix Fapstronaut

    Ok you good clear goal – to not mess it up for your kids sake.


    If you start messing up again think about your kids finding out – you can use that as anker for the right emotion's.

    Don’t fall into the shame trap shame is good in the beginning but can become a allay of the addiction.

    How did this happened with you well welcome to the club PMO is a dopamine booster and thereby something like a drug.

    Brother just learn more about addiction repeat that stuff you need to know what you fighting its not pure will power it is not shame it is new habits and nearness and acceptance that mixed with endurance that must be able to heel this . I quit alcohol some years ago back then I thoght this is the key problem learned a lot about addiction and my problems below then I quit cannabis but I still struggle with PMO I started so early in my life – not alone with that. Its deep inside the brain it makes no sense to go away fast. And even it feels like huge invest to stay away for some weeks as it exhausting and strange feeling but it is nothing compared to the time PMO was part of our life how many hours it had to embedded into our brains. So to nothing unsuly about what you saying … I read this here everywere and I observe for my self – time is relative when change is done with lot of effort time goes by slow and the invest feels heavy. But set it in perspective.

    welcome to one or even the most important fight in your life brother . Hope we make it!
     
    EreWeGoAgain likes this.
  3. EreWeGoAgain

    EreWeGoAgain Fapstronaut

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    THanks for the encouragement friend! Going to give it my best for sure
     
  4. GoPhonix

    GoPhonix Fapstronaut

  5. NinaGood

    NinaGood Fapstronaut

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    I think this community is able to help many people, and you're not an exception.Addiction is a destroying thing, but the fact you understand it is already 50% of success. As been said before, it is a real problem and there is nothing to be ashamed of. A commenter above managed to quit pron addiction, alcohol and cannabis ( medical marijuana is not a pure evil, by the way).
     

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