Sleeping beside my wife

That is great that you know this! It sounds like you guys do talk and props to that.
Have you ever asked her, "what can I do right now to help you out?" Maybe take out the trash, load the dishwasher, put kids to bed, etc. And doing those things can take stress off her and she might relax enough to be open to being in the mood. And with tiredness, that is something that can be valid or used as a way to escape sex. If tired is a reason here and there that's normal, everyone has their exhausted days but if its 80% tired as a reason not to have sex then it's something to talk about.

I really hope you guys can find a compromise and solutions to keep you both happy and feeling loved

 

I agree that we were designed by nature to be able to have sex + orgasm and bond in healthy ways with our sexual partners. But my point was just that when you get addicted to porn, you are really conditioning your brain to connect sexual arousal (which triggers dopamine release) to porn+orgasm, because it is so much more stimulating (novelty) than real life partners. I'm no expert on any of this, but overall I think that the brain chemistry that is linked to sex and orgasm is very complex and gets messed up with porn addiction, so it might be a good idea to give the brain some time to heal before engaging in sexual activity. But as said, as long as you can tell the difference in your heart/brain/body that you want to have sex to experience intimacy and connection with your wife, not just physical release/self-gratification, then I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Here might be some interesting links for you to read up on the chemical reactions that take place during sex:
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ybo...and-the-brain/oxytocin-fidelity-and-sex-2012/
https://www.reuniting.info/will-orgasms-keep-you-in-love

 

I'm going to use this to reply to a few people regarding my second point.

Where to begin? First off, those of you who disagree, that's fine, and I respect your feeling, but disagree. But I think we may just be looking from different angles.

My main goal here is not to convince anyone, but to make a dent in what I think is a bit off with society's sexual approach right now.

Disclaimer: Every man and women should be treated with respect, and never forced into anything of course.

1. Women want to be dominated. Guys, I'm not talking about rape, or choking or any crazy sh*t!! I'm talking about a guy taking control. I can't tell you how many times I've seen women say "I like it when he takes control". I've seen feminists writing articles about wanting to be dominated, almost ashamed to admit it.

I've seen multiple dating coaches say that almost every women they met liked to be dominated in bed. Again not rape for Gods sake. Just the guy taking control.

The internet is filled with countless memes and articles about women wanting their hair pulled, and getting spanked in bed. I've literally watched a video where the girl was spanking herself to give her guy the hint of what she wanted. This is a real thing, and shouldn't be dismissed. The proof is in the pudding, just search any forum talking about sex, and you will see this idea time and time again. I'm not trying to degrade women, I'm trying to respect them, and be the man they need me to be.

And in today's pc, feminist world, it's considered something to be ashamed of. I wish people would stop trying to change reality, and enjoy the ying-yang dance between masculine and feminine.

Women want to be taken, and follow a guy's lead in bed. Again, not in every single case, but I've seen enough to know that it's a pretty good rule.

2. Women want to be a man's plaything, and satisfy him.
Again, another obvious truth that I see constantly coming up. And for those of you who need a disclaimer, I'm not talking about rape, or walking someone around on a leash. Of course that's disrespect and I would never condone that!

But the internet is filled with countless pictures of girls getting finished on their face, and their bodies. Forums abound with comments like "I love watching his face while going down on him, I love seeing his enjoyment."

Many bio's on Ashley Madison read something like this, "I'm tired of not being desired, I want a guy who will make me feel beautiful again." https://www.huffpost.com/entry/what-women-really-want_b_5295735

Women want to be craved and lusted after. People can scream all they want that I'm wrong. But the box office of 50 Shades of Grey doesn't lie. It triggered something that women really want. And I think it's awesome, I don't know why people keep shouting it down.

I'm not trying to preach anything. These are things I went out and learned because I wanted to know what women want. And deep down, I knew this was true.

Sure, Charles Sledge writes in a very aggressive way, I get that. But I think the gist of what he is saying is completely true.

 

I think you are very confused about the difference between dominating and taking control. Taking control as in taking initiative to engage in sex is a way to express desire and attraction, something that both men and women want, as everyone wants to feel desired, as you said yourself. Dominating has nothing to do with that. "Taking" a woman and dominating her physically with force, pulling her hair, spanking her or covering her in semen is what porn has brainwashed you to think women want, but is far from reflecting reality. And the internet is most likely not the best source for educating yourself on what women want in bed. I think you should fix your addiction first and be intimate with a real woman before giving advice on women's sexual preferences.

 

I know the difference between what I saw in porn, and what I've learned from legitimate sources. I'm not saying everyone wants those things, but it's definitely not a porn created thing. The first half of your response is still trying to say that everyone is the same, men and women, and that women can't want things differently than men, which is in line with a lot of thinking in society today, and is not correct in my opinion.

 

Memes and internet forums are your legitimate sources? I never said women can't want things differently than men. Anyone should be able to want whatever they feel like, I do acknowledge that sexual preferences are subjective. I'm just saying that physical domination as in pulling hair, being spanked and covered in semen are objectively unpleasant experiences. At least for the majority of women who don't receive pleasure from physical discomfort or pain.

 

If you think your "dating coaches" or "pickup artists" are legitimate sources, then you are very sadly mistaken.

Your disclaimer is not convincing, because the rest you are saying stands in contradiction.

I daresay that society has healed somewhat and has given women more of the space they deserve. Your pickup artists suggest that women want to be abused as they have been in the past when no one talked about it.

That is utter nonsense. You say in your post that you have seen in porn that women want to get spanked, their hair pulled and semen in their face. This is utter bullshit. You indeed seem to have "learned" from porn, whether you admit this or not.

No, women do not want to be playthings, they don't all want to be dominated. They are all different and guess what!

MOST WOMEN DO NOT WANT TO BE TREATED IN THE WAY THAT YOU DESCRIBE THAT THEY WANT TO BE TREATED!

Fuck this male supremacy bullshit! I read a bit in the website you posted to and I was utterly disgusted. Such attitudes only cause pain to women.

There is a saying in German: "Wer ficken will, muss freundlich sein."

Who wants to fuck has to be friendly.

That is what true pickup artists know. Those are actually successful in finding people to have sex with and to love.

 

Oh man! With over 3 billion women on this planet, you think that all of them are like this?

No doubt some are. But all? OMG.

 

Spoiler

I'm not sure if you ever had your hair pulled (I wasn't talking about "soft" hair pulling either, but how it is depicted in porn, as was mentioned in the previous post), spanking that leaves a red mark on the skin (also wasn't talking about "gentle" spanking) or got semen in your eyes which burns and leaves them irritated for a few hours, not to mention the fact that on bad days, semen can taste and smell really, really bad. All those things are at the minimum physically uncomfortable, I would dare to say objectively, but I will admit that physical discomfort/pain tolerance is subjective as well, so I should indeed limit these claims to my experiences only and apologize for trying to speak for all women. And there is also nothing wrong with compromising in a relationship (as long as physical discomfort/pain is tolerable), which I have done myself, but that doesn't mean I personally enjoy and get pleasure from these things, but rather doing my SO a favor which in turn makes me happy.

 

Save it for her. Save it alllllll for her. Every last drop of your juice. Be thankful for what you have. Many of us here hardly ever get to make love to our SOs.