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Confused between being with the woman of my dreams or wanting to fool around

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TrainingGood, Aug 23, 2018.

  1. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    OK but she is the woman of your dreams, so to me, that means it can't get better than that, right? If it can't get better and you have the best already, then what is the draw to others? Is it just that you want something different in addition to her? Like is it the new, the novelty, the it's not the same person over and over again? It is just biology? Intimacy? Just trying to understand. Not criticizing or judging, I just want to get it. :)

    Because to me, if I found the one, I would want to make that relationship the best possible, get close to that person, lean towards them not away from them and to other people.

    Then I get that getting closer brings up intimacy and that is hard for guys sometimes because of how much they are pushed to be "men", don't show emotion, etc. Like my husband thought it would be terrible if I ever saw him cry or feel emotions, which to me it is the complete opposite. To me it is a good quality (and even attractive) to be able to feel and express your emotions not hide them away. Ok, going a bit off subject there, but I think that does play into it, guys are told all their lives by parents, society, etc. to stuff down the emotion, ignore it, "man up" and move on. That isn't healthy, IMO, and can lead to fear of intimacy because they don't know HOW to do that.
     
  2. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    It's just the novelty. Biology tells men to have many different children with many different women to maximize reproductive success. Pair-bonding makes people happier, but genes are selfish and don't care about your happiness. :)

    Now, if a man is unhappy with his current relationship, things change, and he'll be actively looking for a replacement, much like women will.
     
  3. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    OK thank you. So, if it is just biology, then as a woman, if I want to be with a man, I just have to know that any man out there, even while with the girl of his dreams, is going to constantly be desiring other women because it is part of his biology? It isn't just a fraction of men that do it, it is the overwhelming majority? (I get that there will always be some exceptions to anything.)
     
  4. TrainingGood

    TrainingGood Fapstronaut

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    You can have the best dish from the best restaurant but sometimes still feel like mcdonalds. It is like novelty something new, a different taste.
     
  5. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    Pretty much all men are attracted to other women besides their SO. Most don't dwell on it, seriously consider it, or act on it.
     
  6. TrainingGood

    TrainingGood Fapstronaut

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    I totally agree with that. It just takes a little training to understand it is ok. Step by step, I have started to share my emotions with my GF. I started noFap in addition to getting help from a psychologist to better understand my emotions and i have cried with her more than i have had in the past two years. Perhaps it helps if you get support from a professional to help you unlock your emotions because that is the most difficult part. I had my girlfriend cry a lot and wanting to break up and I wouldn't feel a thing, stay standing with nothing to say. So we want to be emotional but it is really difficult because the emotions are so locked up in side we don't know how to find them. Instead of we it should be I / me.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  7. Zapster21

    Zapster21 Fapstronaut

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    My friend! This has also been a big struggle of mine!

    I was a late bloomer as you (First sexual encounter at 24) until I found my current gf. She is everything I need in a person. Sweet, beautiful and we just have chemistry to no end.

    However, I was always very obsessed with all the hot girls I missed out on (and for some part still is).

    But unlike you I one time acted on it (not a proud moment).

    At a party, a girl was interested in me, and I was so obsessed with the thought of another woman, so I fell directly into the trap. I hooked up with her. And let me tell you. At that moment where you do something like that, you instantly regret it and start to get scared of losing that perfect girl you already have at home. You realize that it was pure lust that drove you to this point...and the reality isn't as good as the fantasy...

    So my advice is - if you feel that she is the one, don't let her slip through your fingers purely because of sexual fantasies. In the end, you end up with regret that you let her go! I made the same mistake...
     
    Butterfly1988 and Jason_Tesla_19 like this.
  8. But are you your thoughts? What if you could separate what you think from who you are?

    Give this podcast a listen to. If you don't have the time listen to just the Dark Thoughts section but it's worth listening to the whole thing if you can. Basically, it's about a man who soon after getting married
    thought about brutally murdering his wife. Then he thought about murdering his friends and co-workers. He would walk past peoples houses and think about raping and killing the people who lived there.
    Eventually, with the help of a good therapist, he was able to separate himself from the thoughts inside his head. The common belief is that our thoughts say something about us, but a new school of thought is that thoughts are just thoughts and should be let go of because they are not us.

    But I can relate. I sometimes want to have sex with every type of woman... In fact, sometimes I want to have sex with a woman from every country in the world but when such thoughts come I tell myself such thoughts are silly and I let them go.
     
  9. TrainingGood

    TrainingGood Fapstronaut

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    Sorry forgot to thank you for the advice here. I've been exploring this theme in the past week. I am finding out it has to do with lust, and being able to control more the fantasties and the lust. It is something that the brain wants versus the heart.
     
  10. TrainingGood

    TrainingGood Fapstronaut

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    So so so true! It is almost like a candy shop and you want to try all the different flavours.

    I am really curious about this podcast. I went to support group today and one of the people said whenever he gets a feeling of lust , he lets it go before it starts growing. Keep observing your thoughts, and don't feed them or give attention, as the more attention you give the bigger it grows.

    Thank you for sharing
     
  11. Steveju

    Steveju Fapstronaut

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    It crosses every mans mind. Meeting the love of your life honestly doesn’t turn off sexual attraction to beautiful women, so don’t let that startle you. It’s if she matters enough to you that you want to honor to be your one woman. If you feel being with another woman wouldn’t only hurt her but also do you a disservice. They may be hot but it would be a step down from what you have. Is a fantasy, or a few, come true for a few hours worth your life with her?
     
  12. TrainingGood

    TrainingGood Fapstronaut

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    The logic is perfectly solid, but it's not about logic almost, it's about desire that is what makes it difficult.
     
  13. TrainingGood

    TrainingGood Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, I wanted to share this learning with you. I have been exploring a lot and getting professional help to better understand this problem. Yesterday, I think I found an important piece of the puzzle while talking to my girlfriend on the phone. I am not sure yet, but i think it does explain some of my behavior.
    The Madonna / Whore Complex, is where we as men, place women in the "mother of my children category or Whore / sexual pleasure category". I start treating my woman as a queen with gloves, being very nice to her, keeping in mind all her feelings, seeing her in this saint / mother role but at the same time this reduces the amount of sexual tension between us.
    The Whore women category allow me to be completely open with all my sexual energy both the light and the dark side, it's the part where you slap and don't feel bad about it.
    It might explain that part of why I lust is because i can not have the full spectrum of sex with my girlfriend as opposed to hook ups.
    Like Eddie Murphy once said: Baby, I fuck other women, but I make love to you.
    I am going to explore fucking my girlfriend haha instead of making love. Keep you posted!
     
  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Women are capable of both while in a relationship. We don’t ALWAYS want it to be love making . Women are sexual beings as well . Have a conversation with her to find out what SHE likes too . It’s not all about what YOUR wants are in the bedroom. She may surprise you ;)
     
  15. TrainingGood

    TrainingGood Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely, it is more that we as men see our serious girlfriends as the mother of our children and then tend to be extra fragile with them and more loving. We had some good conversations already and yes you are right :)
     
  16. If you love this woman, go get her
    What are you waiting for?" ~Hamilton
     
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  17. RecoveringLion

    RecoveringLion Fapstronaut

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    Women are much more naturally inclined to make a commitment than men. From an evolutionary perspective, back in more archaic times, it made sense for a woman to choose a good mate, and stay committed to only him for the sake of survival. In a world of predators, a protector was a huge asset. It made sense for men to go out and take (often stupid) risks, and be adventurous because it offered the most reward. Men cared less for safety, and more about their position in the hierarchy.

    Overtime this has evolved into women being in general more steadfast in their commitments, and men more likely to engage in higher risk behavior (which has its positives and negatives).
     
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  18. LindaMoon

    LindaMoon Fapstronaut

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    My husband's case is the same. my husband is addicted to PMO, he has strong abstinence symptoms. sometimes his libido seems to have died. Other times he says he has a doubt about his desire to be with me or let me go to find other women. It is very painful for me because I love him :( I have many fears and insecurity.
     
  19. Akylas

    Akylas New Fapstronaut

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    I wouldn’t consider what I say advice as much as a different perspective. I have not read all replies so I am sorry if I repeat something.

    It is usually the pursuit of a different experience that drives most men to want another woman, but I ask you this. What will the other women be able to offer you that the woman you are with cannot?

    Personally, I would be loyal to the wonderful woman you are with. I have had two committed relationships (3+ years) one of which with my now wife, and a number of shorter relationships with very beautiful women. I would trade all the shorter relationships for getting to meet my wife earlier and build even further on our relationship. Sure the short relationships were more sexually satisfying physically, however to me that same sexual experience felt empty compared to the connection and intimacy I have with my wife. I crave the intimacy in my sexual experience just as much as the physical because it provides a full, more satisfying experience as opposed to what felt to me like a hollow shell. I hope this perspective helps. Best of luck.
     
    LindaMoon likes this.
  20. LindaMoon

    LindaMoon Fapstronaut

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    OMG!!! That wonderfull post. Thank you so much!! Your words are sooo beautiful!!
    my husband has to read this. Thank you <3
     

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