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Married, but lonely.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by SanctionedWednesdayExuberance, Dec 2, 2018.

  1. [Originally posted this in loneliness but feel it probably fits here better.]

    I pulled up NoFap this weekend because my wife was gone for most of it and I find that I struggle most with PMO when she's away. It's pretty easy to stay clean when she's around. It has been a successful weekend, but I've definitely been battling with my loneliness. Not just this weekend.. it's been an ongoing struggle, and I feel like I've mostly just been avoiding that this weekend by filling my time with hobbies (coding) and reading.

    I achieved 3 months of sobriety in SAA, but that program wasn't working for me. My sponsor was breathing down my neck, and I felt a lot of condescension from the other members that when I felt like I was about to relapse I actually wasn't getting the support I needed. I'm hoping to change that, and knowing I need support from other people, I've come to NoFap.

    My story is clearly biased from my own eyes; I hope I can someday read this in hindsight and pick out the biases.

    So how am I lonely while married? Well I like to blame it on my wife's bipolar, but I'm willing to accept that I am at fault too; hoping to figure out how so I can fix it. Mostly, my wife and I aren't emotionally or physically intimate and almost never have been even when we were dating. I was pretty desperate back then and wasn't particularly good at saying no to things so when she pushed me to propose I did and we got married. I'm a strong believer in commitment though, and here I've made a pretty onerous commitment that I intend to stand by forever.

    How are we not intimate? I try to show her affection, but I'm running out of steam. I buy her flowers and get "oh, thanks" or more often, a somewhat sarcastic "what'd you do?". Any form of physical affection even so far as sitting close to her (not touching) on the couch is a no-no, and our conversations are mostly me listening to her talk about her day in pretty intense detail (she's really good at re-enacting how angry she was at someone while making direct eye contact with me; makes me feel like I'm the one that did something). Usually I can't fit enough words in to talk about my feelings; there is the occasional exceptions but they are just that: the exception. I talk slower and pause occasionally to put my words together in my head, but she usually jumps on any small moments of silence in a sort of ADD spout ("oh I saw the cutest little corgi today" or "I gotta show you this thing I found on Facebook", etc.), and when she doesn't, I don't really feel like she's paying attention to me because she's playing with her dog or her guinea pig or just on her phone.

    We did marriage counseling at one point, but we literally got kicked out because the counselor didn't think he could help us, and she has refused to go back ever since saying she felt very attacked.

    She has lots of issues that she attends counseling for weekly, and quite frankly I think many of these get in the way of our relationship. Issues with her father, an ex-boyfriend who gang-raped her with his friends, of course her bipolar and depression disorder, and now I'm probably somewhere on the list. She keeps saying when she gets her own issues worked out we can try marriage counseling again.

    Then there's her jealousy, which makes no sense to me. It's like "I know I'm not showing you affection, so I wanna make extra sure NO ONE of the female gender is showing you anything that could possibly be misconstrued as affection" It's been 3 months since I've gotten a haircut because the one barbershop I know that consistently had male barbers recently hired a lady who I was unlucky enough to get, I don't order pizza anymore in case the delivery driver is female. I've worked myself onto a team at work that happens to not have any females for the moment (but that always seems like it's about to change).

    Ultimately, I just feel lonely a lot. I'd like to explore this a little more as loneliness was a pretty big part of my life during the worst of my P+M addiction during high school and college.

    [As much as I ended up ranting about my wife here, I feel a really deep love for her and care for her very much (do I understand this? No) which helps me keep the commitment I've made to her.]
     
    Buckeye2781 and Deleted Account like this.
  2. Some of this sounds pretty unhealthy, but I think you know that. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. Complete strangers in this forum care about you and wish you the best. I hope that you find peace before you burn out your love. Recharge your batteries and then make a change in the direction that will give you lasting happiness, whatever that ends up being.
     
    0111zerozero11 and Trappist like this.
  3. That is a tough mine field.

    Good on the three months sobriety.

    You could ask another to sponsor you, perhaps.

    Consider the sponsor's direction as
    a down payment on
    "tuition to the school of hard knocks".

    There is a saying that if one group or sponsor doesn't work for you
    that you could try another group or sponsor.

    Or phone meetings?

    I have heard great things about SA, Sexaholics Anonymous, too.

    A good place to start, however you can gain insight.

    I'm sober because of here and SAA, too.
     
  4. Me too. :)
     
    0111zerozero11 and Trappist like this.
  5. RecoveringLion

    RecoveringLion Fapstronaut

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    I get where you are coming from. This takes time. The healing is a process for the SO. One thing porn does to us is blind us in many ways to how we treat ourselves and others. I for example, after getting about 8 months into my sobriety, learned I was very subtly an emotionally abusive husband to my wife. I had no idea. That turned everything upside down. As I have worked to become more aware of it, it has allowed the next phase of healing to begin. So what I am saying is there may be very subtle things you say or do that are hurtful to her that you are totally oblivious too. Just something to think about and pay attention to. Not calling you a bad man or a bad husband...again, porn blinds us.

    As you get further into your recovery, it will be important for her, as she is ready, to begin to choose to be close to you. I recently had to talk to my wife about this. I am almost a year in, she agree’d I was doing the right things, I just gently told her it would be very encouraging if she could reciprocate affection towards me. I followed with she doesn’t have to if she’s not ready, just that it would help me a lot. She decided to try when she can and it really does help.

    As you gain ground in your recovery, you will regain leadership in your marriage. Be patient man, keep up the good fight, it just takes time!
     
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Sounds like flowers are Not her love language.

    And is she deeply hurt by the porn or are you still deeply tempted?
    I couldn't tell...
    Lonely is difficult to figure out sometimes and often the lonelier we are the easier it is to blame someone else for our own troubles.
    It also sounds like you blame your wife for her bipolar... But to me it seems like she is reaching out for you and you just don't know how to respond and you guys are having a lot of missed "sliding door moments" and this results and some miscommunication.. and moments of missed chances for intimacy.
    I think any present anger and loneliness is probably just the constant Battle of you to speaking two completely different languages.
    That's rough.
    She's probably also lonely... Reaching out for you and feeling like you are nonresident.
    I can see why couples counseling didn't work because you guys need a special kind of counselor.
    A LMFT who does CBT & MBCT & SFBT would be good.
    That way all the complex components are able to be addressed in your situation.
    Good luck
     
  7. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    That is a lot of negativity. Nofap is a great place to vent about negative emotions and crappy situations, but to heal a relationship also requires you to focus on positives. Everyone has their baggage and their own cocktail of issues. What (besides the commitment you made and your own tendency to value commitment highly) keeps you with her? Trying to understand where this deep love that you have for her comes from, or simply reminding yourself of how you fell in love, will help to cast a brighter light on the relationship as it stands, and increase your motivation for improving things. There seems to be a lot of blame in your firat post, and not a lot of responsibility or ownership taken for your own decisions and actions. She may have pressure you to propose, or dropped hints that that is what she wanted, but you made the proposal. If you want to continue to be in the relationship, then stop blaming her for your own problems.
     
  8. Just a woman trying to give some advice...
    you say that you try to buy flowers and she’s not really that happy or says “what did you do?” (A lot of women assume that flowers are given as an apology or to take away male guilt for something) there are 5 love languages and I don’t think gifts would be her language. Meaning receiving gifts doesn’t make her feel loved. Perhaps you both could benefit from taking the 5 love language quiz and learning what language you both have.
    You said that when you try to be physical it’s a no no. This is probably something that she’s learned- maybe in the past (while PMO was a part of your life) the only time you’d show physical attention was when you wanted sex? Which taught her to back away from physical contact?
    You also said that she sometimes talks about her day in a way that makes you feel like you did something wrong...my boyfriend and I have had a talk about this... when I’m having a bad day and get angry about something work related or my boss he will take it personally when really all I want him to do is listen to my frustration. Not try to fix it, just listen because being able to voice my frustrations helps.
     
  9. Wow. I had no idea this was possible. I hope I can get to the point where I can really understand my emotions. These days I have about 5 or 6 words I can use to describe my emotions (on the negative side, frustrated tops the list for some reason, but I'm pretty sure I use it as an umbrella), and I frequently feel like I have an emotion I need to tell someone about, but I don't because I don't know what it is.

    A couple of you mentioned love languages. I agree that our love languages are total opposites and that's been a problem for quite some time. Mine are physical touch and words of affirmation while she has said hers are quality time and receiving gifts (hence the flowers). Funnily enough, I seem to remember when we were dating, she was insistent that her #1 love language was physical touch. I don't know when that changed. I guess I don't really know how she feels since I've been able to rule out two of the three she has said.

    Anyways, thanks a lot for the encouragement from everyone here! I had a great time reading this!
     
  10. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    Flowers are not the only form of gift. It often feels better to receive a thoughtful gift that shows us how well the gift-giver knows us, and how well they appreciate our tastes. Flowers are a bit of a default romantic gift, as are chocolates. Picking up something that she is not expecting, but that shows her how well you know her and how much effort and thought you put in to choose the gift might be more effective. But also make sure you are not overreacting to her response. Saying 'what did you do?' after receiving flowers could be a joke?
     
    Jennica likes this.
  11. ParadoxPastor

    ParadoxPastor Fapstronaut

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    I would suggest finding "places" where your love languages intersect. For instance, in regards to her quality time, do you still go on dates with your wife? If not, maybe take her to a movie and put your arm around her. Go out to dinner and then take a stroll, holding hands. For her gifts love language, maybe use your words of affirmation and write her notes - not too mushy, that might be a turn-off - but let her know why you love her and how much she means to you.
     
  12. DrMohanSingh

    DrMohanSingh New Fapstronaut

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  13. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    Pretty sure these ideas would be a no go.

    Considering this:
     
  14. ParadoxPastor

    ParadoxPastor Fapstronaut

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    @noexcuses, my point was that if she is getting more (high-quality) quality time, she might be more receptive to physical touch, if appropriate for the time/situation. The last thing my wife wants is for me to try to snuggle up with her right before bed - she's too smart to not know what's coming next. However, if I have been appropriately "speaking" her love language, she's usually more open to speaking mine. Not trying to get @SanctionedWednesdayExuberance throat-punched or anything.
     
    noexcuses likes this.

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