It has been a year since I met my virgin gf on Nofap and I initiated a Break / Slow break up.

Our first date was around xmas as well. Maybe dec 7th or so last year. Anyway, she asked me out because she could sense that something about me shifted or maybe she was just bored and i seemed more attractive than usual lol. Anyway, we have had a great relationship. We never fought except recently and even so it wasn't really fights rather just her having emotional moments or mini tantrums.

So what's the issue? Well I just hit 30, she is like 26. The problem is that she is fun and smart and nice etc but she acts like a 19-year-old. And I dont mean she just has a playful or childlike personality because im a gamer/ anime fan ... lots of my friends do but she is sorta uncivilized and is really irresponsible. Sometimes she is 2 hours late to our dates , recently like 4 hours.

The point is I took care of my friend's 2-year-old last weekend. I realized it was the same exact feeling. Like babysitting a child or trying to predict what they might or might not do. And i dont mean the normal level of feeling protective of ur SO. well anyway Im into psychology. Jung (Father of psycho analysis) would call her a puella. a girl man-child u could put it as. She has the Freudian mother for sure and her dad died so I don't blame her since she does try and is aware she has to grow up. The mother is racist and im half black so ... and her mom is christian and I mean the bad kind like the kind of Christian that is super worried about what others will think, isnt a good person and can't even really get along with ppl at her own church. I mean I come from a catholic household with neurotic women and her mom is way worse.

The other part of it is my gf she isnt religious, very sexual and open minded prob even more than me but is a virgin. We fool around and do everything but non penetrative in fact i have a large hickey on my neck as we speak but I realized her virginity is like a symbol that she is still not an adult. And I dont mean that in a literal way, I was a late bloomer i didnt lose my virginity till early 20's thats not what im saying. Im saying symbollically it sorta of spells out that we arent in an adult relationship and she isnt mature or ready to grow up.

Apart from that I am very aware as well that since i hit 30 I might just be taking it more seriously than I should. Sex wont fix our relationship. Tbh I'd rather turn it off and get a nice streak going. Regular sex or no sex would be ideal. We have great chemistry and its not that im necessarily sexually dissatisfied. I know a diff guy would have prob pushed her into sex , realize it didnt fix the issues and eventually break up.

Basically she needs to grow up and work on herself. Ive tried in countless ways to help her do it. Even with books etc. And it hasnt clicked exactly. I can't be in a relationship with someone who cant take care of themselves especially when they have a lot of neuroticism or depression.

Anyway we are 'slowing down' and if she doesnt grow up we are ending it. Its important to me to help her or give her the space so help herself because somethings u can hurt by helping. Im not holding her personality against her but I am a smart guy as well. The last thing I want to do is feel like I am in a relationship with a child. Even tho she is ... a heck of a woman ... very pretty etc and tbh she is the kind of person 25 year old me wishes they could marry.

But yeah she understood what I was saying and she also said certain times she wanted to break up with me and her reasons were well .. small and childish to be honest which showed me even more it was the right thing. We still cuddled and watched a movie after, we watched Crazy Rich Asians actually and she loved it. The asian mom in that show is tame compared to what Im talkin about but a good example.

Main reason I wanted to make this post was actually to say to be very aware of the different parts of you that are trying to force and maintain a relationship. You have to want whats best for the other person. I don't believe love is selfish like u want to own that person or u must have them or can't let them go. If I felt with that way the opposite might occur and a year from now I would propose.

Part of me wants to keep my hot latin gf. Part of me knows im lucky to find a virgin. Part of me likes having regular sexual encounters even if not penetrative. Part of me doesn't want to have to go through the courtship process again.

These feelings/thoughts are difficult for most to say outloud or admit to yourself. But I see a lot of people forcing way worse relationships here or being confused why they stay in a situation. And I want to say meditate on whats best for the two of you and why u might be reluctant to be honest with urself and them. I know a young version of me would think sex would fix it, let her stay immature cuz fun right and then u end up with someone who is a vacation instead of a partner.

 

If she knows about my addiction?
I don't have a hardcore addiction. But when she met me I was doing monk mode and was upfront about it. Nofap for me is more like sexual meditation and self development. I suppose like everyone ive been addicted inside the rabbit hole of porn before but that wasnt the case when I joined the community.


Ya he is not the father. Oh that was a freudian slip. lol couldnt resist. That was a mistype but I've read a few books where people reference him as a grand father of it. Typed it mindlessly without thinking.

I have no issue with age but she doesnt act it remotely. A 26 year old acting like a teenager sometimes worse.

Im not ready to settle down necessarily but productive/progress is important. She has no idea what she wants to do. She doesnt have a consistent job either. Nor does she have a goal on what she wants to study etc.

In regards to religion no. I was making the point that her behavior / virginity might even make more sense if she was like an innocent christian girl but she isnt. She doesnt have like a single belief or believe anything with conviction. When I say happy she is a virgin not because I would ordinarily care but lots of guys would like to know that its a lower risk of stds and that ur the only guy she has been with. I mean obviously someone else might have more sexist or religious reasons but realistically most people just dont want the baggage of their exes.

@Take care of herself. She takes care of herself physically enough. Emotionally she is a mess. Financially forget about it. Mental health wise she is on prozac.

She wanted to break up with me because I didnt call her a week which isnt true because i called but her mom said she was at work. Which is another thing. She is one of those people that cannot keep a cell phone working. I've given her my old phone, bought her a new one etc. I fixed hers etc. Something always happens to it. She doesnt have wifi at home and the cell service sucks by her house cuz she lives like in a valley. She wanted to break up with me during a period where i told her I would be really busy and she can call me or make the plans and it wont be a good week for me. So imagine warning someone of this in advance and they hold it against u even after they confirmed many times they get it and its not a problem lol. But i know it was just emotional missing and it was not meant to be logical but still she wanted to break up. But part of the source of this issue is her phone problems. If her phone worked ever she could text me and i would respond whenever. But I can't have long phone conversations late at night running up the bill anymore. Part of the reason I had to work a lot that month was because of said bills. Financially I would take the load if she was progressing but she isn't.

 

Obviously she has exes and sexual experiences. But its not the same. Coitus creates different dynamics.

 

Well u should value ur well being but I believe in the idea of solving your own problems and helping others solve theirs. Its hard when u help em solve theirs and they won't solve their other problems tho especially when u give em more than enough tools and support.

I would like a partner for a relationship but its not that i need it. I understand some relationships can just be about dating, intimacy, romance, love, sex etc. Sometimes a lover isnt a partner and that's okay. I am not abandoning her. I will still help her a bit. It isn't that she is flawed exactly it is how shes flawed. I have dated people who had messy fcked up situations before and dealt with it well. This is different. Those were messy adults and this is a messy child(maturity wise). I can't be her dad which is what I was turning into. I can be a positive male in her life. Jeez I just realized why the mini tantrums bothered me so much ... It wasn't I miss my bf anger. It was like a phone call from ur daughter like daddy come home why are u always working.

 

I feel like if you read you would say its really she isnt putting in any work in regards to her own life and can't expect to put in her half of the work in regards to relationships. All ive been doing lifting for two. One thing she cant accuse me of is laziness. If anything it takes way more not to pursue this given ive spent a year on this and frankly I miss her but I can literally feel my biology trying to make me get her on my bed. The relationship itself frankly doesnt require much work. She requires work as a person. U cant force people to do things or support em in things they havent yet decided they want for themselves. They just resent u which Ive seen from her when I was helping her get a job in frankly a really upscale place.

and if u work and hte other person doesnt u get resentful as well which leads to toxic relationship. Right now its fine we dont fight and its not unpleasant. Its just incomplete. Its like being in a relationship with a teenager. Sounds fun at first and then u realize whats going on.

 

Anyway this weekend is rough. Hard not to go see her or tell her to come over. Its not so much feelings itself. Its that u dont realize how much ur body is addicted to someone till they arent around. Its like drugs lol. thnx for the thoughts thus far but should be fine now. I will stay friends with her and help her move forward. But I dont restart a relationship till maybe in a year or I will be single for a while. its also rough because other women are coming unto me a bit but I wont be tempted.

 

We have had a conversation or two over the last few days. Ironically this situation she is being very mature and chill about mostly because she knows exactly what I mean and that I am trying to do the right thing and she said she hasnt held up her end of the bargain which I dislike the terminology but it kind of shows even more the issue that the relationship has turned into bargaining with ur children to do their chores kind of thing. Its not her fault, she has the freudian mother after all. Im trying not to take myself too seriously or be pushed/pulled too much by emotions.
Its a lil difficult especially because we arent angry with each other and still are attracted. Anyway it will be fine in the long run the more i think about it. I just shouldnt try to force things either way. I should try to force sex like other guys(altho apparently she is way more open to it than I thought), I shouldnt force a break up, I shouldnt force the relationship forward and I shouldnt force her to grow up even. We will just slow down/take a break whatever u wanna call it and see what happens next year.

Thanks I appreciate it @ luck.

I don't mind some criticism but i feel like it was kinda vague. That being said a cool meditation ive rediscovered earlier and read about is Stare at yourself like connect ur two eyesi n the mirror. Breathe and keep looking at urself back into urself etc. Lock eyes. It creates this crazy feedback loop. As u know humans are one of the rare animals that can truly recognize themselves in the mirror. This with meditation makes u really see urself honestly beyond ur ideas of ur identity.

Sure but everyone needs fixing. U have to fix urself and u can help others with their problems. Thats a big part of what it means to be human at least a good one. But that is kind of what i am saying as well. On some level she needs to fix herself and then she can woorry about other people like myself for instance as in a relationship u mold each other a little not in a manipulative way but positive.

But if I stay in the situation and be her dad and fix her. Thats where im fixing her in a way that shows i have some need to turn her into what i want to or play into her daddy issues or have her end up being one of those girls that call their bf daddy. She said to me the other day she has daddy issues.

I spoke to my brother about it last night. He is like way more how to put it ... conservative/ hard working/focussed than I am and he knows her and he said he understands cuz he was in a similar situation last year. The girl was very sheltered and she was nice and he could turn her into what he wanted her to be but women should be autonomous and develop their own identiy and u can't fall for someone u create basically.

~
But ya anyways thanks for the advice guys. Will update next year and see what happens. I told her as well Im gonna do more nofap and see where my mind is then and I dont want sex to change the way im thinking about the situation.