Bad feeling about addiction, even after recovery

Man I promise you, once you have reached a certain point. You will not even miss porn, you can think about without even being tempted.
This is neuroscience, every time you have watched porn it has strengthened a particularly brain pathway, every time you watch porn your brain releases dopamine, and oxytocin which is a bonding chemical, it actually makes our brain bond to the pornstars because the brain thinks they are real, and it also releases another chemical which creates the pathway, that’s where the addiction happens, imagine it's like a trail in the forest, every time you walk on it gets more and more like pathway, the grass starts to go away and it walking there is suddenly easy and comfortable..
It's the same when you quit, every time you don't give in to an urge this pathway gets WEAKEND every time you decide to walk around that trodden path it gets more and more overgrown.. Every time my friend haha! The grass starts to come back and your brain has to make new ways to get its dopamine. And that my friend, is where your passion comes in. Put all your focus on your passions..
And your brain will respond to that.
Good Luck!

 

I agree with Carl Jack.

Quitting PMO is very difficult but cutting out new paths through the tall grass is even more difficult. I haven't really felt good since I quit. It shifts between miserable and okay from day to day.

70 days into it now I think.

Am I jelous of those that still fap and watch porn. No! Actually, I have a hard time remembering what it feels like. (as my neuro paths become overgrown).

 

Yeah, SuperKrishna, I identify with that feeling. My mind can not process me not ever PMOing again. To me, it's a day at a time. I woke up today and prayed to be saved from my lust today and today I renew not giving in. But I put out of my mind that this is some sort of lifelong thing, because when I think about that, it's like lifting this really heavy burden. A day at a time is lighter.

 

What we are all trying to achieve here is healthy sexuality. Porn is not healthy at all. True intimate feelings with someone you love is healthy. That feeling is 5 million times greater than any temperary thrill you get from porn. Yea your addict self will miss acting out w pmo. That's normal and most who go through a month or two of recovery will feel depressed and without even realizing it is from your brain missing those chemical highs.

Sit down and write a list of things to do besides pmo. Hobbies, aspirations, desires and strive to fulfill those as a replacement to the pmo.

 

I have to say this is one of the most insidious things about PMO, or any addiction for that matter. It really is irreversible. I think a lot of the time I've spent struggling to overcome PMO has been spent wishing and trying to get back to where I was before. I've learned the long and hard lesson over 15+ years of battling that you can never go back to what you were before. The saying "Once and addict, always an addict" has truth. I think that quote is very bleak and disparaging, but I think it's helpful to an extent. Maybe a more positive interpretation of this phrase would be "For an addict, the only way is forward."

But I definitely mourn the loss of my previous, healthier self at times. I won't miss the PMO when, one day, it's finally gone, but I will spend the rest of my life suffering the consequences in small ways. I'll have to be very careful about the media I view for the rest of my life because I'm an addict. I will have to put perhaps an undue amount of mental energy into avoiding certain thoughts or ideas because I'm an addict. I will always be weaker than people who never were addicted to start with. It's unsatisfying, but it's a truth I have to accept; and I suspect all recovered addicts come to terms with that fact as some point. PMO is not a problem you eliminate, it is a problem you learn to live with and control.

 

SuperKrishna44,

There's a couple of ways to approach this and you'll have to find the one that works for you. One is to learn to hate PMO and particularly P for what it is. It's dehumanizing, desensitizing scourge that destroys lives. Seeing P in this way, seeing that there is no healthy way to partake changes things a bit. It's like some drugs: there are simply no healthy ways to partake and not have it be a negative. Some drugs are not like that. Alcohol and caffeine are good examples of drugs we can learn to manage. Heroin really doesn't fall into that category. It may have it's uses in a clinical setting, but using it to cover emotional pain or to hide from hard feelings isn't ever going to be healthy. The same with P. It is an insidious lie that P is every acceptable. I may sound preachy with this and some may strongly disagree and argue the point, but you may take this perspective of leave it. Read the clinical studies on how P impacts you and families and relationships and it quickly becomes apparent that P is never healthy or good.

And that's how I choose to see it. P is a poison that I want out of my life, to loathe and despise to the point that I never desire it again. It's so unhealthy that I even desire it. We should see it as the disgusting perversion of a healthy sexual appetite.

 

This is one of the most insightful, honest threads I've read. I try my best not to beat myself up about my addiction. Like some of you, I think about the light at the end of the tunnel but feel the addiction will always be lurking in the shadows ready to strike at any second. Those of you who have started to feel your brain rewiring itself gives me hope, and I appreciate that. Last night was really tough for me, I was so frustrated with myself for relapsing (5 day bender after 28 sober days). It felt hopeless. I don't feel 100% today, but I got to kick this addiction in the ass.