My kinks have gotten extreme!! and I hate what turns me on now!

I started looking at porn when I was 12 years old. (I am 31 years old now).....it started out vanilla - my experience of a naked woman was from the Titanic movie.

Afterwhich it moved to apps such as Kazaa, Imesh...etc.

The kinks grew over time, at first it was from Jack drawing rose, to vanilla sex ("normal" male/female vaginal sex)....then it moved into mild (anal, threesomes, etc.) which brings me to today - the sex has to be dark, demented and crazy....I am talking about things such as snuff, incest, and worse (I am too ashamed to admit to all of my kinks - I will say they are illegal IRL) - it is all in Fantasy (roleplay online/phone sex).

I am trying desperately to stop this madness....I am living in two worlds - reality and fantasy. My reality is: I get up, I go to work, I come home, watch TV/Play on computer, and go to bed.....and during that time I have a browser open to a roleplaying site - that I "Hope" someone will respond to my ad. On average I will spend about 6 hours on the site with about a 10% return of responses, with only maybe 20% of those being "good ones".....after I "finish" I feel like absolute crap, and a monster at best.

I feel like I am two-faced, I appear normal at work, the laid back guy who doesn't have any problems - I show up on time, I do my job, I chat with coworkers and bosses about their lives/weekends.......all the while thinking "If these people knew what you were into sexually you'd be cast out of here!!"

I have tried deleting the account on the roleplay site...but give it a month and I am asking to reset my password and email and recreating my avatar (they don't actually delete anything they say to change your password and email to lock yourself out...you can delete your avatar though)

Now its starting to happen at work, I will browse on lunch, breaks, and in the middle of work the site and porn in general...I fear I will get caught one day (I use a VPN so they can't see what I'm doing behind their wifi)

How the hell can I stop this madness!!! my record of not masturbating is 3 days....afterwhich I get frustrated, feel "nostalgia" and relapse!!

I wish I never had a sex drive anymore. I feel like a monster.

 

I would never act on it IRL - I would end up offing myself if I did from the overwhelming self hatred it would cause myself - that alone keeps my disgusting fetishes in fantasy land....but none the less the porn browsing needs to stop at work, even at family get togethers i'm browsing it on my phone .... which is just sick when I think about it.......I have trouble getting past 3 days of porn...any longer and I am releasing sadly.