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Trying to escape a dark prison.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Priere, Dec 12, 2018.

  1. Dec 12, 2018 #1
    Priere

    Priere New Fapstronaut

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    Hello, I'm not new to NoFap (Reddit), but I am new to this website. At one point I was able to last 38 days, which I felt was a major accomplishment, but that seems like a fleeting mirage, a silhouette... Due to low self-esteem, apathy, and a sense of existential lamentation, I've been caught in a perpetual cycle of debauchery.

    Porn has been taking a significant toll on my life and it's been affecting nearly all aspects of my life. Originally, I didn't consume much but as more pain came into my life, the more I would find myself looking at videos. Ever since I was in my early teens, I've felt that something was off about consuming porn, but apparently "everyone" does it and no one should feel ashamed of pleasuring themselves to images or videos of people engaging in sexual acts.

    And of course as I kept indulging in porn I started browsing through different categories. What started off normal amateur escalated to BDSM - then to group sex and before I knew it I found myself lost in a growing category known as cuckoldry/wife sharing. There was some form of sick solace that I found in watching this type of porn, though I find the concept and relationship style to be utterly abhorrent. Thinking about myself engaging in a relationship in reality sends goosebumps down my arms, yet I've been here relapsing time and time again to this. Watching porn does nothing to strengthen a person's character nor does it improve a person's character despite what the mainstream media might posit. Here I am in my early 20s with no kind of accolades to my name, or character, I'm pretty much a walking husk that lacks any real drive or will, which is doing wonders considering the fact that I'm in College...

    Even though I'm mostly numb there is a part of me that wants to escape this never-ending hellscape that plagues me. I want to escape from this. I have to - there has to be something more to life, so here I am. I hope being in this community will help to motivate me to stop forever.
     
    Priere, Dec 12, 2018
    Priere, Dec 12, 2018
    #1
    Millenial, sideshow11, ChicagoGenXGuy and 1 other person like this.
  2. Dec 12, 2018 #2
    Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

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    Hey, welcome and good luck!
     
    Hros, Dec 12, 2018
    Hros, Dec 12, 2018
    #2
  3. Dec 12, 2018 #3
    RogerRabbitX

    RogerRabbitX Fapstronaut

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    im just as fucked as you man,im into the same submissive and cuckold shit at the point than i cant get an erection without thinking about it. You are welcome
     
    RogerRabbitX, Dec 12, 2018
    RogerRabbitX, Dec 12, 2018
    #3
  4. Dec 14, 2018 #4
    ChicagoGenXGuy

    ChicagoGenXGuy Fapstronaut

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    Wow Priere for a kid you really captured the symptoms quite accurately. Who even needs video when you have your own PMO addicted brain, creativity, apparel, accessories, etc. Snapping back to reality from elaborate fantasy MO sessions after the O, naked (or worse), ashamed, paranoid, needing to put things back the way they were, clean things up, etc.

    Then the onset of hangover inflammation in my urethra from overdoing it, irritability, sadness, rock bottom self esteem, demotivation, despair, procrastination, etc. For what? A few seconds of glorious O, the momentary thrill of the sick depraved fantasy de jour. I'm only on my first baby steps. 44 days out of the last 24+ years of escalating PMO habit, obsession and compulsion.

    I'd sooner eat a bullet then go back to 45 days ago. Cuckolding fantasies are a symptom of an underlying issue, most likely from childhood. I'll never find or fix that issue in active PMO addiction. So first things first. But meanwhile all the cuckold, feminization, humiliation and BDSM porn imaginable is literally there at my fingertips as I type this. That's literally sick.

    I just got the idea of looking at my wifi router and seeing if I can subscribe to some kind of super blocker service. Now there's something worthwhile at my fingertips. Good luck to us all on our journeys of withdrawal, healing and growth.
     
    ChicagoGenXGuy, Dec 14, 2018
    ChicagoGenXGuy, Dec 14, 2018
    #4
    sideshow11 likes this.
  5. Dec 14, 2018 #5
    sideshow11

    sideshow11 Fapstronaut

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    Your honesty and bravery is very inspiring. I have a lot of compassion for you and your journey and think that you are doing the right thing by having the courage to work on your addiction. This forum is an encouraging place where we can support one another and know that we are all on a journey; one which I do believe can result in healing and self discovery. And to find out what our true self is really like without being tied to PMO. Well done for having the courage to do this.
     
    sideshow11, Dec 14, 2018
    sideshow11, Dec 14, 2018
    #5
  6. Feb 12, 2019 #6
    modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

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    @Priere @ChicagoGenXGuy Join the groups "Recovering from Sissy Porn" and "Confused Sexualities". Check out the posts. There are people like you who have recovered
     
    modernstore99, Feb 12, 2019
    modernstore99, Feb 12, 2019
    #6

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