My Journal: Daily Musings and Reflections, The Road to Recovery

Hi Fapstronauts,
Now that I have finished my Recollection series (refer My journal Daily Musings and Recollections Day 1-7), I'll be posting all my journal updates into a single thread, feel free to share your experiences, tips and encouragements here as I continue my rebooting process.
If all goes well to day 77, I will show my journal entries to my pastor as my final confession shall be to the public.






Day 8
Hardly any thoughts to fap today, had some idle time today, since a fellow fapstronaut advised me to delete Instagram, I had nothing to do when I was free, and instead decided to just study for my theory driving test. Heck, I realised I have more free time now that my mind isn't as porn wired, not only do I free up wasted time on porn, I am also able to concentrate in tasks at hand and achieve them in a shorter time, NoFap does have many benefits!
Guess the flatlining symptoms are already starting to occur huh? However, I welcome flatlining, I'm gonna take it as a brief break against my strugglings with lust and use this period to make myself stronger. I know that I would be able to break free of this temptation for..

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord , the Creator of the ends of the earth Does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the L ord Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.



My darkest regret
Continuing from my previous post, yes, I'm going to admit it now, I fapped to my crush of my childhood, technically that makes me a paedophile too, a young one that is. And I have to admit that was the greatest high I have gotten and probably the closest I have gotten to the feeling of real sex, when you have feelings attached to the other party. Yet its a very twisted feeling and I know it is no where near to what true sex is. What I have is my preconceived notions of what true beauty is imputed on my crush I barely knew then, and how I hate hate hate myself for doing what I just confessed.
With the biggest high I gave experienced came with the bigest guilt I have ever experienced and I totally deserved it. Just seeing her face already pricks my conscience but shoving aside my conscience to fap to her is a truly despicable thing any man could do to himself, but I did it in my mad ecstasy. Basically, I chose pleasure over sanity.
After I climaxed, the guilt almost destroyed me since then. Just meeting her whenever we pass just totally hurts my insides so badly yet I have to fake a smile and greeting to her. What is worse, I did fap again, for another and I do count, 8 times. Each time my conscience gives a weaker cry till the eight time it becomes just a whimper. But at the last time, I knew I had enough, somehow I couldn't face myself anymore, sure I didn't fap to her since then, but I foolishly used more porn to cover my guilt trips.
If there is one advice I can give to everybody, don't DON'T ever even think of becoming a voyeur, it destroys your very soul.
Right now, I grew out of my awkward adolescence and I managed to become pretty good friends with my crush. When I was young, what I admired was her external beauty, but now, what I do admire about her is her personality, one of grace, character, care, concern, the very epitome of what true beauty is.
If I can make one wish, I would not wish for her to come to accept me if I were to confess to her, no, I dont deserve that, much less asking her out for a date, other guys would be a way greater blessing to her. What I wish instead is for myself to gain the courage to confess all these to her, and apologize for how I used her a sexual tool. I dont expect her forgiveness, instead I hope she would beat me up and repulse me for what I have done. And with much regret, I bring to a close a dark dark ending to this entry. It has been a long day, and a long weary past for me.

 

Day 9
work was manageable today.
Barely had any urges except a stray thought of one of my colleague, but I got disgusted by what I was thinking and the urges totally disappeared.
I guess the flatlining has started, I welcome this small break. That's all for todays post, nothing really interesting happened today nor do I feel like writing on any specific topics, probably next time when I receive some strokes of inspiration.
Psalms 4:8
In peace I will both lie down and sleep, For You alone, O Lord , make me to dwell in safety.

 

Day 9 - end
I just remembered something darker in which I am not ready to confess. Not as regretful as what I said was my greatest regret, but something more socially unacceptable.
I almost forgotten it because it only happened in a small period which I guess was my darkest period.
Just posting it here more for a reminder for myself at what I was then, perhaps if I get over my addiction, one day I would have the courage to reveal what this thing is and laugh at my old foolish ways.

 

Day 10
Wow I didn't quite expect myself to last to a double digit day, welpz, to the first of many!
Woke up with what seemed to be a very slight weird dream, can't exactly remember the details but its clearly not sexual in nature more like wanting intimacy not in the physical sense, because I remembered waking up wishing for a confidant. Never had these dreams before, perhaps my brain is rewiring towards human companionship.

Damn have I never been so damn free from urges before, in fact I barelt felt any attractions to any females before.
Today, I barely stole any glances to random street girls. I guess I'm already in the flatlining process and loving it. But I'm going to keep myself guarded in anticipation for the idle weekends, luckily I have already made appointment with my friends for both days. Yay! Stay strong people and enjoy your weekends wisely

Galatians 5:16-17

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.

 

Day 10 - end
quick tips to stave off urges in the weekend
1. Don't stay up late, be disciplined, sleep early wake up refreshed to enjoy the morning mist and sunrise, hit the patio to enjoy the quiet morning for what it is, the beauty is incomparable to your stuck up world on porn.

2. Don't drink alcohol. intoxication makes one hot and horny conjuring up pesky thoughts.

cant think of any more at this point, good night!
feel free to share any weekend tips you have

 

Day 11
Couldn't have felt better, somehow I have a more healthy attraction to my peers, as I said I used to judge people (including myself) sexually but now I am able to see a person as a whole, appreciate his personality, wisdom, wittiness...
I find myself more enthusiastic in conversations and no longer have any qualms about human interaction. I thought I was an introvert but I feel like I am a natural extrovert now! Talking with people have never been easier, and I am already ready to shoot away while the person is still talking, but I also do appreciate what the other party is talking and have learnt to slowly enjoy my conversations.
the self confidence is real guys!

Luke 6:45
The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

In the past I fear that my inappropriate thoughts might spill out, as I know my thinking is screwed up, but its so different now!

Today, I realised a small part of me still craves for sexual attention, partly due to porn but I know that it is also due to my pride- I think I am sexually superior to the peers around me. I know this is stupidly wrong and disgusting and I will be teaching myself through the bible to be humble. I know this is the only way to overcome these abhorrent thoughts/cravings which can act as a Trigger.
I do think we should use the flatlining period as a grace period to identify and eradicate any potential triggers since during this period we will be in the clearest state of mind without any brainfogs or distractions.
That's all for today, no drama, but loving it

P'S I forgot to add I was the pianist for todays church fellowship, I had very little time to prepare as the other pianist became sick. Yea sure, I made quite a few mistakes except that this time I didn't get conscious of my mistakes and shrink myself into a corner but I actually caught myself laughing at my own mistakes. Yes seriously, I actually got happy and laughed at myself because I knew I did my best for God. Previously, I was so engrossed in people thinking of me and my sex appeal but these things doesn't matter to me anymore and this truth vindicates and sets me free from my own demons

 

DAY 12
I regret to say that I semi-relapsed this morning, woke up feeling damn horny, I tried distracting myself by reading comics for half an hour however this time the urges just kept getting stronger and I chose to watch porn for half an hour. when I was watching, I felt that I was getting some gratification but yet I don't feel fully aroused nor into it (partly due to guilt and my past resolve). I finally got the better of myself and went to take a bath. I felt better afterwards but damn were the urges still there.
Luckily I had to go to church by then and that kept me distracted for the majority of the afternoon. I felt that I was a bit more aggressive but I guess it was still under control when talking to people. I didnt really talk to the girls today for fear of a trigger and tried (successfully) to not look at the girls nor think about them, glad it all worked pretty well.
when I came back home in the evening damn was I horny still, never had these urges been so damn persistent, I tried distracting myself with a short nap but I woke up horny still. I relapsed a bit more by redownloading and looking through Instagram, but I also wasnt into it. I guess Im now stuck in between wanting to quit and wanting to fully submerge myself back into my old ways. No excuse for today's semi relapse though,
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

I didn't go back to God's word as secretly I wanted to PMO, glad I didnt commit fully. Would not be resetting my counter as I know today is just a minor relapse, it would be more discouraging and less beneficial if I was to start over and furthermore, I am confident I wouldnt let my urges continue next time. I should have meditated on the bible instead of distraction for these stronger and more persitent urges.

 

Day 13
the urges were definitely more persistent in the morning but it slowly disappeared throughout the course of day. I attribute this to the previous day of watching porn, as I kept remembering the sensations of the previous day. Note to self: porn is infectious, jUST a little bit kills.
Proverbs 7:21-23
With her many persuasions she entices him; With her flattering lips she seduces him. Suddenly he follows her As an ox goes to the slaughter, Or as one in fetters to the discipline of a fool, Until an arrow pierces through his liver; As a bird hastens to the snare, So he does not know that it will cost him his life.

I was out the whole day due to work and bible study at night, definitely helped weaned my unhealthy appetite for porn.

Yea sure there can be slumps in our progress but they are little stepping stones that help us to identify our weaknesses. Don't let failures cripple you, learn your triggers and reflect on its consequences and how you can fight or avoid them.

 

Day 14
No urges at all today. Woke up with a healthy morning wood, I vividly dreamt that I was a voyeur like last time and found a very embarassing picture of my schoolmate's girlfriend, I then proceeded to show it to the boyfriend. The boyfriend questioned me on how I got the photo, and when I refused to answer him for fear of revealing I'm a voyeur, I dreamt he pinned me down on my bed and proceeded to tickle my dick until I told him. I squirmed so hard and it felt being terrible getting raped from my male friend. Then, I realised I was in a dream and I shouted to myself "wake up!" For 10s before finally awakening with morningwood. I swear that I believed someone was really tickling my dick that I looked aroUnd my bedroom but found no culprits, the brain trickery feels damn real. Ill take this as the rewiring process I suppose.

I have no problems smiling back at pretty street girls today, because I do not feel ashamed that I have lustful thoughts at them at all. I guess I'm turning back to a healthy teenager

 

Day 14 night
RELAPSED. HOLY I relapsed over the snowball effect, I chose to slowly give myself to porn first thinking a little porn would not hurt just lIke lastand then it snowballs out of control.
so, 1 relapse out of 14 days, not too bad for a first attempt.
better be careful of the chaser effect though, I will be very careful for the next week. Should have meditated immediately when the urges came, oh well. My goal is to minimize relapses over 77 days and not a set period, because we are imperfect, its crazy to expect perfection of nofap for 90 days and some people will take relapses as demoralizing this way. Keeping my spirits up!

 

Day 15
Took leave from work today to attend droving theory test, which I failed leaving me demoralized, but unlike previous occassions, I did not think of fapping to relieve my stress which is great!
I was tempted when I fooloshly looked through a Facebook video about ideal woman shapes throughout history, but I diverted it by thinking "God how amazing that beauty can come in so many different forms, how I hope that I would see what the pinnacle of beauty is for me someday!"

 

Day 16
No urges at all, no struggles at all.

 

Day 17
I seem to be breaking out of the cycle of addiction and relapsing, I don't even think much about porn anymore, in fact, porn doesn't seem to have much influence on me anymore. I just be myself around ladies, and I am not even in a least bit uncomfortable anymore because I don't pervert after them. Yay!

 

Day 18
Good day, no urges. Went drinking with friends but not even horny when I was high, good signs.

Day 19
RELAPSED. GOD I started the whole morning and afternoon off damn well going on a hiking trip with friends, but then at night I came back tired, right now, I don't even know how I even started on porn, I seriously have no idea right now. I was planning on a bath, dinner then read some books until i slept, but somehow i spent the whole night PMO, the scary thing is I didn't even remember how I even got into it, demoralized. I really am scared this would happen again, guess I was not alert to the sudden urges, the sudden porn urges are scary, I shouldn't have entertained further thoughts about it.
it is going to be a tougher journey now, since I stimulated my cravings for porn. Back to full cold turkey safe mode, I am going to avoid all potential triggers I think of. God help me.

 

Day 20
No urges

Day 21
No urges, healthy appreciation of other gender, now that I'm mostly free of porn, I realised I have alot of time to do charity, I'm planning to devote 6h to help tutoring the less fortunate children weekly.

 

Day 22
I'm sorry for the short posts recently, its just that my life has been so much more busy now that I have quit hours of porn watching and thinking, sounds ironic right? But I realised there's so much more meaningful things now and I'm now living the real life I want.

looking back, the 1h x 365 days x 6 years of watching porn is utterly wasted but at least it has taught me to live out whatever hours I've left faithfully.
sure, I have some relapses here and there but I know that I'm progressing on the right way.

SPOILER: don't read below if you're deeply sensitive to religious issues, its just my frank opinions about how to really get rid of porn addictions

[NSFW] Resources such as nofapacademy are truly helpful in helping us with our porn addictions no doubt about that. recently when I've been praying, confessing my sins to God, and restoring my relationship w God did I realise how much porn has destroyed my life, I prayed and it led me to repentance. Repentance in the sense I totally hate porn to the core right now, sure, my urges are still there now and then but if I were to relapse I would feel totally regretful of what I've done. God done to me no other resources could have done by giving me a new mentality I've never had before, a mindset and wisdom of what sex is truly to be. [/NSFW]

 

@monster_carrot Technically I may have the right to not censor it, but I do respect people who may be more sensitive to alternative beliefs hence I give up my right to post publicly

@Avidadventurer sorry for the inconvenience caused, I am encouraged that people like you take the time just to read my 2 cents.

Indeed I believe the physical, mental and spiritual aspects of a human is all intertwined, we act out how we think and feel don't we. As you said, solving our mental and spiritual issues do give us greater resolve and strength to curb our physical issues.
Jesus Christ has given us the ability to overcome sin, but our sinful tendancies remains and we will struggle to the very end until we see his face, thank you for the reminder.

As for your last statement I fully agree with you too, PMOing for years has caused my senses to dull, I realised how much that changed in just a few weeks of not watching porn!
Right now i have plans to serve the less fortunate children in my church such as those with single parents and abusive fathers. No longer do I care about achieving or sustaining impossible highs from porn but I actually have the capacity to care for others!
If God wills, I would come out publicly about my porn addictions so that it would be an encouragement to the others that the church is made up of sinners and not some perfect saints.

May we stay faithful just as God is, faithful brother in arms