HALFWAY to 90 DAYS --- Huge PIED progress, flatline fading, strong performance in the real thing

Still a long way to go and underlying root cause issues to address. But holy $#!+, this really works.

After GF's Xmas party last night back at her condo. Natural, gradual, real onset arousal. Even with flatline and PIED concerns top of mind, they couldn't stop me from getting naturally turned on by GF closeness, kissing, touching, etc. It's like nature shoved aside those thoughts because those awful forces that have owned and hurt me for so long have been weakened. I feel they're being gradually pushed aside by my true nature despite my worries about getting aroused, performing, and of course being truly into it in the moment and enjoying it. Wow, did I ever enjoy it (her too). This would have been simply impossible 45 days ago.

This hasn't been like flipping a switch of course. The first four weeks were brutal beyond words. Three weeks ago it was awkward, uncertain, hit or miss with GF. Two weeks ago it was two great sessions in a three day span, below my potential but meh/OK performance on my part. Last weekend it was two sessions with solid performance hinting at better things to come. Last night, whoa, amazed myself, delighted her, fed off the power and was all in. This rediscovery is almost unbelievable. I still can't believe what I did, what I'm capable of, and that it's still maybe 70% of the potential that I'm on the road to achieving and maintaining.

That's one of the biggest points of my commitment, belief, motivation and inspiration. I really believe I'm on the right path now. Nowhere near as wobbly as even three weeks ago. Feeling it. Doing it. This is some serious Matrix $#!+ here. Don't just think you can, Neo... known you can. Now onto another big point of success and progress.

I work from home a lot and one of my greatest chronic fears is having the sick, depraved web pornosphere at my fingertips 24/7/365. So after many years, I, the procrastinating techie, got on my Netgear router and figured out the parental controls. I have effectively blocked myself and everyone in this house from most if not all available Internet porn. All I had to do was download a PC app, Netgear Genie. That app works with the router and OpenDNS to block porn and related websites and content on the entire home network. I tried searching for some mild (to me) phrases and got the search results, but couldn't click through to any of my traditional go-to websites. First there's a subtle (probably gentle by design) "This site isn't secure" warning. But it's a false flag because when I go to "Advanced" options on the first screen and choose to click through, BAM in your face message THIS SITE BLOCKED BY NETGEAR. Thanks Netgear and OpenDNS! I did this toward the end of the day yesterday before seeing my GF. It's a nice complementary feeling of power, protection (from myself), and validation. I know it has taken a big bite out of the temptation and will be a success factor ongoing.

So I enter a nice weekend here in Chicago, mid to high 40s and sunny. My mind and body are right there with this beautiful weather. My GF is coming out to see me late afternoon. We'll hit a friend's Xmas open house for a bit and come back here for a fire and a movie. Who knows what'll happen. It's not all about sex. But when it's right and real, to feel this capability and confidence rising within me again after so many years in darkness. Even while I was married through 2017. Even after my separation in 2016 when I was actively dating and having sex periodically. It was lame false sex. I was cramming deprogramming videos before dates at the last minute to counteract all the sick hypno videos I had consumed. When encounters did happen I needed to fantasize about my porn fetishes in order to even deliver the most weak, minimum performance. It was sad, shaky, unnatural, and stressful... none of the things sex should be. Looking back it seems like an insult to nature and the universe (God?), not to mention the unseen but haunting disrespect for the women, their dignity, their needs, and my active PMO addiction undermining what should've been natural, fun and beautiful, even if fleeting. Btw I'm not promoting sleeping around, unsafe or unwise sexual encounters.

Don't mistake my excitement for overconfidence or premature declaration of "victory." I'm a sad, troubled, long term case. I'm humbled and grateful for this resource, the support, and the results I've experienced on this baby step of a journey so far. But I do feel OK about taking a minute to breathe and enjoy it, and give myself a little pat on the back. I have a long, difficult road ahead to achieve my 90 days no PM and then tackle my root causes. For now, it's a beautiful Saturday. I will enjoy it. Good luck to all of us on our journeys of withdrawal, recovery and growth.

 

Thanks CY. Around 7 years PIED, progressively worse after my wife and I became seriously estranged, she filed for divorce and moved out in late 2015 - early 2016 range. From there accelerating PMO addiction (which began around 1994) with increasing fetish and related MO activity. PIED problems mirrored that porn spiral. Being high and positive on what I know I have yet to achieve as well as what I've proven I can achieve in recovery is new to me. I want to enjoy it but also reign in the high, stay humble and focused. Still a long way to my 90 day no PM milestone.

 

I'd prefer not to discuss the hypnos and deprogramming videos Mordo. Nothing personal.

 

Baby steps Max. They work and they're necessary. You can't will your addiction away overnight. You're thinking in the right direction. Next comes the baby steps. Get on your router and block porn. Pay extra if you have to. Plan your distractions. Hobbies, reading, sports, a new skill? Get a reinforcing mantra or short essay to help you during weak moments. Take care of yourself. Water, diet, exercise, sleep. If you don't then who will? Your brain will prey on a weak body to pull you back into active addiction. A strong mind starts with a strong body. Don't overdo the weed. Anything worth doing is worth doing with a clear mind. That's where purpose comes from and purpose is where determination and results come from. If you can think it you can do it. Your awareness and thought give you the potential to move mountains. You're a unique man with a soul and power to change, not a dumb animal or leaf in the wind. Think it and then be it. But don't underestimate the hard work. It's very very hard. Know that and be ready to soldier through the weak moments which are many and varied. That's really why Nofap is here. If it were easy we wouldn't need it. So use it. Good luck. I'm behind you all the way.