Possibly the most severe case of what harm can occur. Read this please.

Firstly, thanks for taking the time to read this? If you relate at all, feel free to connect with me and journey along. If there is hope for me.... then I truly believe anyone can change. EVERYTHING in this post is 100% truth.

My name is John and I am 33 years old (within a month of my 34th birthday). My first real interest in any sort of obsession with a woman happened either in the 3rd or 4th grade. It was my teacher and I had extremely intense thoughts about her (I can remember writing about fantasies that involved her). I believe I first discovered the act of M between the ages of 10-12 (after a close friend of mine told me about it). Up until Grade 9 I couldn't even look into the eyes of a female classmate (I was teased by girls and many of them would attempt to make me look at them; even corner me). Then came my first girlfriend in Grade 10 and I engaged in acts with her/ intimacy for the first time at 15. This on top of the fact that I viewed P everyday (and my viewing of this material has never stopped beyond possibly a couple weeks once or twice up until now. I have completed the act of M all those times, and at times multiple times a day. The number of hours looking at this garbage? Sickening).

High school was not a good time. Between bullying and severe acne as well as not truly being comfortable with my identity meant that I spent almost no time building a future and lots of time escaping through P usage. I was diagnosed with depression around the age of 16 and put on medication at that time.

University was a joke as I took an easy major and remained at home. I dated through most of it but broke it off with my girlfriend. Let me interject for a minute and admit to the fact that I have cheated on every relationship I have ever been in. So between porn and cheating I have really screwed up my life. I started drinking and partying between high school and university on a serious level. My 20s are a blur of drugs, alcohol and intimacy. It continued to escalate into attending a few rub a tugs, using escort sites and sleeping around with anyone who was willing. You see it wasn't about the intimacy, it was about the novelty of different partners. I could not give you an exact number on the amount of women I have been involved with but I know it is below 200. Most of my life is a fog, and I cannot emphasize that enough. My memory is horrible and I have always felt that there was something different about me but it has probably been deeply affected by the years of abuse I put my body through.

So here I am now- substance free and battling to change my life and regain whatever sanity I still have remaining. Maybe I can find some sort of healing through abstinence, psychotherapy, and this community as well as 12-steps. I feel the damage is done and I will either commit suicide or be destined to a life where I just survive without a mind that is capable of little more than a simple job. I have not been successful in academics post grade 8. I never had a vision for the future. I have quit jobs due to anxiety or lost them due to poor performance. I work part-time and have never really had a full-time gig. Basically I have really screwed up my life up until this point.

No idea what the future holds but like I said in the headline of this thread, if there is hope for me and I come out the other side... anyone can.

If you made it to the end, let me know what you think. Take care and all the best!

John

 

Thanks for the support and taking the time to read my story. All the best to you as well!

 

Thanks for your time and encouragement.... learning to love myself is definitely a work in progress. All the best in your journey as well!