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I feel conflicted

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by awkward_loner, Dec 17, 2018.

  1. awkward_loner

    awkward_loner Fapstronaut

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    I have a loving family (mom, dad, brother, sister 'n law) and I feel like Two-Face with my addiction.

    On one hand I love them, I chat/spend time with them.......and then I become my worst possible self possible when I leave them and am alone.

    I masturbate to the most demented, f*cked up possible garbage you can find on the internet.....

    Then when I "finish" i just feel like the worst possible human on the planet.

    Honestly...I feel like if I could just have the part of my brain that specializes in my bizarre fantasies could be lobotomized I would be cured....I absolutely hate everything about my sex drive. It makes me feel like a total piece of sh*t.

    I don't know what to do..... when I visit family I say "I will never do 'x' again" but give it a few hours when I am alone.... I am back to my creepy, demented self - hitting the demented porn like a mouse in a cage that is hooked on cocaine.

    WHY AM I LIKE THIS...CAN ANYONE RELATE!? I am tired of being this way - I feel sober for about an hour after "finishing" only to return to the madness and feel like garbage again....its like an infinite loop of shame and horror anymore.


    (sorry for the sensoring - I am not sure what the rules are here for cursing)
     
  2. Welcome to the community. This is common for us. Read, learn and start making your plan. You're not alone.
     
  3. I hope I won't regret saying this, but you need to admit to yourself what sort of filth it exactly is. This is the first step to healing.

    I understand it's difficult to share especially if it's anything extreme, so I'm not urging you to do that. If it really is such garbage, you should probably go so a psychologist. Good luck.
     
  4. yyz33

    yyz33 Fapstronaut

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    Look into trying out the pluckeye extension for chrome. It's really awesome it blocks all photos and video on the Internet for a period of time and you cannot get around it. To start out your streak.
     
  5. hey dude! Welcome :)

    Thank you for your share.

    I like to first build your confidence by saying that you really cant be such a worthless piece of shit after all, beacuse you did take the time to come here and be so transparent with so many people.

    I also like to say that it is not "YOU" personally who is dealing with this mental issues, it is called human ego- and we all have the same dis-ease in our own unique way - this should give you a sense of de-personalization over your problem.

    Your ego-aka-addiction wants to make the problem personal so realize your problem is not personal it is part of the carnal mind or unconscious mind - most of these come through your upbringing, your lineage and family line and 1000 different factors that you have zero control over.

    So you may say, okay then what the F do i do...

    Good question :) The answer is that you are put in a position that you are suffering. The suffering has a noble role, it is to make us become CONSCIOUS.

    Just like the oceans got overcrowded and the creatures of the sea had to evolve or they were going to die, they started to crawl and eventually became flying birds, me and you are facing a painful situation - where we are facing our human ego head on.

    We want to be a good, loving human being, but we find ourselves having minds that is addicted to the most disgusting and filthy and sometimes in-human fetishes.

    Just like the great sages of the past (jesus, buddha, krishna, etc))have said again and again that our mind in its ordinary normal way is insane and dysfunctional.

    The GOOD news is that being born in this human life is a great gift, which means you have the chance to evolve beyond this and transcend from the suffering of being identified with your mind.

    I'll summarize my practical suggestions to 5 points.

    1. Self-forgiveness
    2. Clarity and decision
    3. Small disciplines
    4. Community
    5. Continual trying

    Let's go over these...


    1. Self-forgiveness: no amount of shaming yourself, beating yourself and talking negatively to yourself will help you become free, hopefully by reading the first part of this post you can have a more compassionate view of your self. Realize your mind and body was made out of a tiny human protoplasm when your parents made love. You are part of million years of evolution - and your mind/ego does not understand many things - you can choose to forgive yourself and by this give yourself a chance at choosing the better option.

    2. Clarity and decision: Get absolutely clear what happens every time you relapse. Start by journaling how the temptation creeps in, what happens when you engage, write down all the process and then write down how you feel in each phase. I find that writing out the entire process in great detail gives my mind full awareness of the madness and this gives me a higher awareness to be able to dis-identify from the madness. In other words when you write out the entire process - you will gain a higher awareness that will enable you to dis-identify from the addiction.

    3. Small disciplines: instead of trying to not watch porn, it is best to use your limited willpower to create small acts of discipline and repeat them daily. You have to realize the only difference between an addict and someone who has overcome their addiction is that the free person has different routines each day in their thoughts and actions.

    To keep it real and simple these are the top disciplines you can put your focus on 1. Sleep 6-8 hrs wake up early dont stay up late 2. Meditation - learn to develop concentration and calmness for 20-30-50minutes 3. Exercise: Move your body to 70-90% intensity for 40 minutes at least 3-6 days per week 4. Clean diet: focus on sattvic foods that is less meat and sugar and bad fat and more fruits and veggies and good fats and whole grains

    4. Community: Go to any coffee shop, meet up group, community repeatedly and say hi to everyone and talk to them. I find that if i do the above disciplines, i'm usually in a pleasant mode and by going to the same place I start to make connections and friends.

    5. Continual trying: Realize this is a habit of the mind and it will take a while to overcome it, so have patience and keep trying. Each time you relapse, reduce the time between a new streak and reduce your blame and increase your compassion towards yourself, and then genuinely try again.

    Lastly, if you want major change you can also sing up for a meditation course called vipassana which is a 10 days of silence course and you will get a great support to make major changes in your life - but after you come home you will still need to have that inner discipline to stay clear.

    Much love to you brother
     
    MellowFellow and Deleted Account like this.
  6. Fenston999

    Fenston999 Fapstronaut

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    Just installed that extension. Its legit. Meandering around on google images used to be a problem for me, never knew how to block it.
     
    yyz33 likes this.
  7. yyz33

    yyz33 Fapstronaut

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    Life changing.
     

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