What is your stance towards your own semen? I think I used to hate mine

Ok I know this sounds like a weird title but I'm trying to figure out whether it's something psychological that drives our impulsiveness/compulsiveness to masturbate/ejaculate.

I noticed that in my case I considered all semen and especially my semen disgusting and bad and ejaculation as something that "had to be done" (this implies that I considered it bad but i had to do it cause that's how it works). During sex I was always ashamed of ejaculating on/in a woman and i'd simply look away as if I didn't want to see my own semen and what "had I done". When I masturbated, i'd just quickly wash it off.

For a bit of context, i found out how sex works and about semen when I was 11 or so and was quite disgusted by it and then I saw the first porn at 13 and it was also quite disgusting, with semen going everywhere.

Generally I just noticed I have a very aggressive/offensive/bordering hate attitude towards my own semen and it feels like masturbation was my neurotic way to get "the disgusting stuff" out of my system, and I felt more "clean" or "pure" and at ease after having ejaculated. When I'd masturbate i'd also go multiple times at it, as if i made an effort to squeeze everything out, like when you pop a pimple and keep squeezing to get all the bad stuff out.

I used to be very preoccupied about women's opinion of my own semen but it appears that it was just a projection of my own attitude towards it. After sex/ejaculation i almost always felt the need to apologize and up until now I didn't even realize why.. it was a need to apologize for having ejaculated.

When I abstained for a while and then masturbate i'd ejaculate a lot and be pretty impressed by it. However, i would've been petrified were I to ejaculate so much with/on/in a woman. I used to go to escorts/prostitutes and i'd always masturbate before. I used to think it was because I wanted to last longer but looking back at it I feel like I was doing so to avoid ejaculating too much when I was with them. Same story with my long term ex gf. I also had premature ejaculation and it manifested with almost all prostitutes but with ex-gf not so much (but i would also masturbate a lot). It also appears I used masturbation to desensitize myself and last longer, even if I know now it's an unhealthy and counterproductive thing to do.

Also, most of the xxx movies/gifs i'd watch involved semen/ejaculation, as if I tried to desensitize myself or maybe seeing some other guy do it allowed me to not feel guilt about it.

The interesting thing is that other than this, i'm hardly disgusted by anything. I can watch pimple pops, cysts drained, shit stained toilets etc.

Tbh, as if the topic isn't weird enough already, it's like I feel my semen is some kind of parasite that needs to be expelled/torn out/squeezed out.

This is my story and I'll be adding some more if something comes to mind, I am curious what your story is. Thank you.

 

Yes, definitely, and i'm well aware that masturbation is the dumbest and backwards thing to do, especially considering that I want to be a father.

@RobinsonCrusoe Dude wtf??