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Long post but please read, I'm suicidal.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by McCulloch23, Dec 18, 2018.

  1. McCulloch23

    McCulloch23 Fapstronaut

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    So guys sorry if this Will Be long but I would like to share my story, I Need help seriously. Ever since I was around 12, I had a few bouts of fear of possibly being Gay. I used to be a porn addict and a huge fapper since that age. I remember ever since being attracted to girls and having crushes on them, and just being next to One or hug One, would give me an erection. Whenever the thought" am I gay?" popped in my mind, I used to reassure myself very quickly, proving myself with logic that my attraction to girls Is real and to men, Is nonexistent. So I had to reassure myself a few times at Age 12-14-19 about my sexual orientation. Meanwhile, during these periods my masturbation was mainly focused about girls(said "was", I'm getting to that), and for many years this fear never showed up again and didn't have any second thought about It. Had girls, relationships, sex. Not many but enough to realize that mine was just a fear and nothing more. Fastforward to June 2018.
    I recently cut ties with my female best friend (whom I was in love with and chased for many years). After an entire year of giving up on other girls just to commit to her and make her notice me and stupidly trying to make her love me back while She kept me by her side saying things like "Maybe It will happen, Who knows" or introducing me to her whole family or going on dates alone for a whole year , I move on. Sadness and uselessness kick me for a while But friends and studying, help me get over It. I begin going out with girls and meet One, my current girlfriend and we start dating. But not much time later, something happens that totally thrashes my mind. When out with friends and totally relaxed, a friend asks "Have You ever questioned your sexuality? Cause I never did". This, combined with the fact that few Moments earlier and thought a guy was good looking...made me snap. Got back home and relaxed and realized that such a thing wouldn't make me gay, so I move on. But seeing again the same dude a few days later, makes me panic. My heart races, start sweating and ask myself "why am I feeling like this? Do i like him? Do i want to kiss him?". But no, my answers to those questions were always no cause I never thought in my entire life such things before. But, the worst thing is yet to come. Few days later, me and my girl meet. We spend time together and I'm a bit anxious for what happened But I slowly relax. Until One moment, when stroking Her cheeks, an image of a dude I know appears in my mind. I start panicking a bit but I let that Be. Then we kiss and when I close my eyes I see this dude again. This went on( It still does) and people I saw literally multiplied. I start questioning what would that mean and I panick. This gets much worse cause I couldn't masturbate properly cause their faces would pop in my mind while doing It(at this moment me and my girl are dating for literally a couple of weeks so no sex yet). I try not to panick But this begins to bother and my anxiety skyrockets until One day reading about HOCD, i think I might be suffering from it cause after that moment, I started to notice dudes and check for my arousal. Soon after my thoughts multiplied and I begin asking myself If I think literally If every man I see is good looking or If I want to have sex with him. Nothing ever happened, But since I wasn't sure of It cause during climax friend's faces would pop, I check myself thinking of having sex with men. At First, I don't have any movement while thinking of girls or just kissing mine or being next to her, gives me erections. But One night while half asleep, i have anche erection over a gay thought. This destroys me and I'm incredibly anxious. Time goes by But anxiety and doubts are still there But other things start happening.First, I have a very awful sensation in my testicles followed by a hip movement and my heart started beating faster while looking at a dude's picture ( I literally obsessed over this and I still am), then I try to test myself watching gay porn and having gay thoughts...and I have full erections and end up masturbating to It. But this Is not the worst part cause I keep checking almost Daily and test my reactions to It. I thought I must have been gay All along cause i tested watching porn i used to love(lesbian,granny,amateur) and nothing happened down there and watching a man sucking a dick made me hard. So depression kicked in and anxiety went up even further. meanwhile I am still(and still am nowadays) turned on by my girlfriend. But during sex or after sex images of dudes, friends or even dead relatives appear in my head and i begin seeing people instead of her when I recall memories of her both sexual and romantic. This makes me mad and sad at the same time. Summer ends and a neurologist gives me a few meds. Meanwhile, my obsessing doesn't stop and keep masturbating almost daily and despite having UNWANTED images of men I keep going. I become antisocial, avoid my male friends out of fear of being attracted to them or to prevent sexual thoughts and images about them in my head. Meanwhile I'm still with my girlfriend but my anxiety prevents me from being a good boyfriend as I'm too much in my head and analyzing every single thought I have or thing I see. Thoughts multiplied and got worse, graphic and keep having people stuck in my head all day. I become so paranoid everytime I kiss her or tell her i love Her, my mind must Be blank or i should see just her. Ever since this started, I tried thinking about her, just her But It's like my mind wouldn't let me. And I cry so much I attempted suicide twice. Meanwhile my body starts reacting to just seeing naked men or when out with friends I have flashes of sexual images in my mind all the time, like seeing them giving bj or else. Fastforward to now. I'm still fucked up but I quit checking myself with porn, yet I have erections thinking of sex with men or women. I still try to think of just my girlfriend as I realized I truly care and love her, cause feeling all tingly and relaxed while with her and feeling warm when I stroke her cheeks and I look in her eyes makes me think I have feelings for her and I keep having full erections with her, even if I'm probably suffering from ED, cause when I fap, It goes soft after not much time, plus I don't feel It hard as It used to before this mess. Have testicles always tingling and yesterday after sex with her and having abstained for a few days my testicles and my anus started to hurt so much I almost couldn't walk. And I can't even recall the moment cause she keeps being replaced by someone else. Or i can't even think of hugging her or imagine her next to me cause my mind shows me other people. I don't know what to do. It's so crazy, I don't know what happened. And It makes me cry so much cause whenever I see her smiling even just in my mind...i feel calm and relaxed. I know I don't give a fuck about these guys appearing in my head and wouldn't even fuck them but sometimes I don't even know cause if i think on purpose to fuck men or sucking a dick i get hard and the image Is stable, while girls gets replaced But I have to focus to not make that happen, yet I Can still get hard thinking of eating a pussy, even a granny. So this Is my story...hope you guys can help, I'm very tires and i keep having thoughts like"dicks are arousing, suck a dick, Be gay" All day together with these guys stuck in my head (,ugly ones too). I keep staring at my girlfriend's pictures to calm down and take them with me everywhere. I just want her to become my only thought, She makes me happy even when I'm dying inside. Can't close my eyes without seeing people...i Just want her. Thanks for Reading
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2018
    Strength And Light likes this.
  2. tiredofdoingthis

    tiredofdoingthis Fapstronaut

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    Slow down bud.....you're okay. I can understand your depression and anxiety. I deal with those and OCD. I think you are dealing with what is called HOCD and kind of putting yourself in this non-stop cycle. Do not hurt yourself. You've got a girlfriend. Try to get away from the porn all together. I have had some of the feelings you are dealing with. Hopefully your dr can get the meds right. I think you probably have a mix of anxiety, depression and OCD. The good news is you aren't crazy. You're not gay. Your mind is playing tricks on you. Hang in there. It's all going to be okay!
     
    brilliantidiot likes this.
  3. Grandpa61

    Grandpa61 Fapstronaut

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    I’m sorry you are going through this my friend! If you haven’t already you should read the book Your Brain On Porn. The combination of porn addiction and masturbation has short circuited your brain. Your situation is not hopeless but the healing process will be hard. You’ve taken the first steps by writing your story and joining this site. You are among friends here. You must stop use of porn and masturbation immediately. You will need to find healthy substitutes. I’m a firm believer in a daily cold shower.

    I don’t want to overwhelm you right now but I want you to know that I will encourage you on your journey. You can do this my friend!
     
  4. TheGhostWhoWalks

    TheGhostWhoWalks Fapstronaut

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    Hey brother. First and foremost let me say this, nothing you are saying is so terrible that you should even think about killing yourself. My job has bought me into contact with probably dozens if not hundreds of families that have been affected by suicide. It is a terribly devastating thing. You may think that no one cares about you but I guarantee that people do.

    Like the other posters have said HOCD is very common with SA and Porn addiction I have experienced it myself recently and it can be quite alarming. Follow the program and see if you still have the same attraction toward men after you give your brain a chance to rewire. In my own personal experience I have found that the same sex thoughts tend to subside within just a few weeks (ymmv). Even if you find that you are gay or bisexual that doesn't make you a bad human being.

    Feel free to PM me anytime if you need somebody to talk to, and if you really feel like you might hurt yourself you should consider calling a suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). They can talk to you and get you pointed toward some resources you might need.
     
    Grandpa61 likes this.
  5. McCulloch23

    McCulloch23 Fapstronaut

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    It's just this constant people stuck in my head. And hurts especially when I'm with her. Being bisexual would Be ok, But I can't Be gay after years and loving girls so much...
     
  6. TheBarbarian

    TheBarbarian Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like OCD. I ‘m not a doctor but I know that you should not seek reassurance. Asking people if you are gay or finding ways to prove you are not might make it worse.

    I have OCD and occasionally have suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately the suicide rate is very high among people with OCD. You should see a professional who specializes in anxiety disorders to see if it is actually OCD and so you can get treatment.

    A thought is just a thought. And even if you were gay (doubtful) that would be no reason to harm yourself.
     
    tiredofdoingthis likes this.
  7. Dagger323

    Dagger323 Fapstronaut

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    I haven’t been in the exact situation you’re in, but I’ve basically experienced all the exact same symptoms. It happened to me last year when my PMO abuse was at its peak. Ever since I went on my first hard mode streak back in February the HOCD has not returned even after relapsing. It is vital to stop looking at porn and masturbating. These things completely wreak havoc with your neural pathways and if you become heavily dependent and addicted to them they can cause drastic changes in your sexual behavior as well as create unnatural fetishes you wouldn’t ordinarily have. I know this from personal experience. It starts out subtly and gradually gets more wild as you become more addicted and your original desires don’t get you off the way they used to anymore. Your mind begins to yearn for new fetishes and new triggers because it gets used to the old ones after so much time spent jerking off to them that it doesn’t release the same amount of dopamine anymore; this is why it seeks new, fresh “triggers” so that the excitement is higher. This is evidenced by how you said you were into lesbian and granny porn, which I guarantee also developed after a fair amount of time spent viewing and getting off to porn, and wasn’t present in your sexual behavior originally. It then graduated into experiencing HOCD and now having gay images and fetishes basically consume you. This is how excessive porn and masturbation have affected you. You have HOCD, I’d bet on that, but what’s more is you’re a porn and masturbation addict. The traits I’m seeing in you are the same ones I was seeing in myself. And there’s a massive list of individuals I’ve run across on these forums that all share a similar story to you and me. You need not be worried, as these symptoms you’re experiencing are completely reversible given enough time set aside for recovery from PMO. It is scary to go through but trust me when I say that you have nothing to worry about, and suicide is definitely not the answer. You are a perfectly normal guy who has simply fallen victim to the dastardly effects of porn and masturbation, as we all have. Make the decision to leave them behind and you will be free from this hell you’ve been experiencing.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2018
    TheGhostWhoWalks likes this.
  8. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

    I have some good news for you friend, you are curable. This sounds like the typical story of watching to much P and changing the way your pleasure centers are working in your mind. I'm very confident that you can go back to normal, but you need to do a HARD MODE REBOOT of AT LEAST 90 DAYS, MINIMUM! It may even take longer, but you need to start now. Please start now in order to save your life, relationship, and sanity. Please set up your day counter as well. Hang in there friend, we're all here to help you out.
     
    brilliantidiot likes this.
  9. McCulloch23

    McCulloch23 Fapstronaut

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    Well day One has gone. Got off with her next to me and we had sex. She told me I was hard during the whole intercourse and did pretty well. Unfortunately I wasn't able to finish, we didn't have much time but It's ok. I had people in my head while doing It But I know It was her. Few Moments ago we were chatting and literally saw myself in her place. Didn't know I had a vagina and had sex with myself lol. Plus I'm on meds and they should delay eiaculation and give erection problems. But she makes me hard anyway...
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2018
    Grandpa61 likes this.
  10. McCulloch23

    McCulloch23 Fapstronaut

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    I'm afraid...I don't want to Be gay. I catch myself staring at dudes All the time ever since this started. And If I push myself thinking of fucking a man or sucking a dick I get hard...
    Oh god, no straight dude would get erections like this...no One. I'm the exception I guess. My nofap journey Will Be probably...usless I guess.
     
  11. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

    Not true, I've seen many stories here of people with the same exact problem as you. They all become normal after a reboot, it takes time. You gotta stick to it. If you weren't gay to begin with and you are having gay thoughts only after years of P, then you aren't gay. You're totally able to go back to normal, but you have to do strict NO PMO!
     
  12. McCulloch23

    McCulloch23 Fapstronaut

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    I will. Won't PMO for long time, but I'm still afraid. I wonder how my life would've been If this thing never started. I have a girlfriend whom I'm sure I love, cause I felt It, literally everywhere in my body. But sometimes during sex I start shaking...and never happened before I started questioning. And never happened to have people pop in my head during sex or having images of friends having sex when talking to them. Or worse, have her being replaced by someone else when we're cuddling. This goes beyond everything...I'm out of mind and crazy, totally
     
  13. Jsthetic

    Jsthetic Fapstronaut

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    Didn't read all but if u do a 90 day life will go your way brother. My current goal is with the recovery I should get by day 90, start my new life and be successful. Good luck brother
     
  14. Grandpa61

    Grandpa61 Fapstronaut

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    @McCulloch23 you are suffering from escalation and desensitization my friend!

    The following is a passage from the book You’re Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson:

    A 2016 study reports that it’s now common for men to view porn inconsistent with their stated sexual identity. Heterosexual-identified men report viewing porn containing male same-sex behaviour (20.7%) and gay-identified men report viewing heterosexual behaviour in porn (55.0%).

    Sadly, ignorance of how common it is to escalate, paired with ignorance of how often quitting reverses porn tastes, can leave a porn consumer very anxious. When users become obsessed with sexual-orientation doubts they refer to it as SOCD or HOCD, that is, ‘sexual-orientation(orhomosexual) obsessive-compulsive disorder’.

    I highly recommend this book!
     
    johnwiks and Dagger323 like this.
  15. TheGhostWhoWalks

    TheGhostWhoWalks Fapstronaut

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    I know it's rough man especially at your age but you need to relax a bit and realize that there are so many other aspects to life that are more important than sex or even your sexual preference. From reading your post your brain seems to be 100% engaged with sex in some form or another. I would highly recommend you turn some of your attention to other parts of your life and stop worrying so much about sex and relationships.

    It also seems like you are hanging an inordinate amount of hope on your girlfriend and your relationship with her. That in my experience is a recipe for disaster and disappointment. If that relationship fails you have a built in excuse to spiral into nihilism and PMO (this was the pattern for almost all of my twenties). You need to invest some time and effort into YOU and life outside of relationships with women, because that is never going to be the fairy tale you are hoping for.

    As far as the HOCD goes, I have been pretty far down that road (just short of actually acting it out) and I can tell you that if isn't your true sexual preference your brain will bounce back and move away from it once you are away from the unnatural stimulation of porn.
     
    Dagger323 likes this.
  16. Dagger323

    Dagger323 Fapstronaut

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    Re-read my last post in this thread. You are not gay, you are experiencing the effects of PMO addiction. I have literally gone through this and have come out the other side of it completely free from HOCD after merely a few streaks of 40-50 days. You will be fine.
     
    Grandpa61 likes this.
  17. McCulloch23

    McCulloch23 Fapstronaut

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    I relapsed But didn't pmo. Got turned on by simply video calling my girlfriend and staring at her lips...
    Good news Is that i was so focused on her, those rushing thoughts and images didn't rise.
    I know I'm investing Hope in this relationship cause I opened up to her and she's incredibly supportive. And she's opened up to me and I want to help her get rid of the things bothering her (she's probably Pure OCD). We're helping each other, I would be already dead if it wasn't for her and her smile that gives me the strenght to carry on.
    Resetting the counter. Step by step, little by little. Can't wait to see her and give her a nice hug and stroke her cheeks. You know, the fact that I'm not able to have her in my head all the time makes me think I don't love Her enough...but when I See her smile i feel...good. It's all in my head. Sorry for the long reply guys. Hope we both Can make It through. Amor vincit omnia...
     
    tiredofdoingthis likes this.
  18. I'm just beginning my recovery from porn addiction and all I can say is I empathize with you. I'm going through the same shit and it has hurt my pride. All I know how to do at this point is to stop drinking & using drugs and to stop masturbating & watching porn. Good luck bud, and trust me there's people in your life that deeply care about you and only want the best for you.
     
    Grandpa61 likes this.
  19. McCulloch23

    McCulloch23 Fapstronaut

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    Good luck to You too my friend. Let's Hope to get out of this and live the life we were supposed to live.
     
    Grandpa61 and BigDawg913 like this.
  20. McCulloch23

    McCulloch23 Fapstronaut

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    It's crazy. Not All the gay stuff turns me on, just blowjobs...
    But not very much on porn but too much in my fantasy. I thought "maybe I should download grindr and have a guy suck me off so I'll know for sure" and got hard. And panicked. Yet my girlfriend turns me on. And get hard thinking of pounding women. Dafuq Is wrong with me? Ugh
     
    Grandpa61 likes this.

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