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severeley depressed. If I see another escort I may just hang.

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by AnikiT, Dec 19, 2018.

  1. AnikiT

    AnikiT Fapstronaut

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    I have relapsed plenty in the last 5 years. All my life I was wondering what may have caused the Anxiety, existentialism and depression. It was a deep underlying porn addiction. my Timeline goes:

    Magazines at age 11, I knew I liked females, unexplained urges to do erotic things to females before I barely knew what sex was.

    12 years old, dial up internet using porn clips to masturbate.

    16 escalation to harder genres

    19 I was dating. Sex was not a problem but it was never the same as porn, I craved novelty. My gf's I felt were never like how i'd imagined they'd be when it came to sex. I started to crave other things like oral and other acts to get me off.

    21 My older cousin took me to a brothel in a foreign country. I knew I was fucked then.

    25 I hit severe depression after having cases of ED in the bedroom and only had short terms relationships due to Porn. I felt suicidal, I found NoFap and Dr Gary Wilson. He was also new to this epidemic at the time. I rebooted for 21 days, felt like I was sensitive again and cured from PIED and continued to PMO and use massage parlours and escorts and hope to "get lucky" on weekends.

    Here I am at 30. I've hit a new low. I had these moments of realization that if i don't stop I may just kill myself. Thinking of all the escorts i've re enacted porn scenes with. At this point i've lost interest in vaginal sex, only into anal and hardcore oral. I want to get these thoughts out my head, I am currently on day 5 severely depressed and suicidal. It's contributed to all my mental health issues in terms of holding onto relationships and what not. When I think back there hasn't been a single time where I finished and thought to myself, that I am a decent guy.

    I've hit rock bottom and hit severe depression the last few days. It's been ongoing. I quit promiscuity, objectifying woman and porn/masturbation. I don't want to be that guy anymore. I think it's done something to my brain like drugs have and I realized having brain fog all these years has to do with it. Suicidal ideations is there on a nightly basis. It's switched out all my love and compassion. Maybe it's why im not as compassionate as I should be, it really does do something when you objectify woman constantly.

    I've been on these forums for hours to see how others are doing and how not to relapse.
    I've relapsed hundred times when I first tried to quit.

    Nobody knows about this double life with the escorts, It's been an ongoing theme all these years when lust gets uncontrollable. It's the rush of it all. One time, well, several times when I am with an escort acting out, i'm in there looking in the bedroom mirror as i am with them and thought to myself "Who are you right now?" Looked at myself, I didn't recognize him, deep down hes crying for help. He's living in hell everyday. THE NIGHTS I'D BROWSE, AND THEN GO TO THE CLOSEST ATM MACHINE THEN DRIVE THERE WHILE CHAIN SMOKING CIGARETTES. THE RUSH. TIME AFTER TIME THINKING, THIS IS GONNA BE MY LAST TIME.

    HELP ME.

    I am 31 next March. I am financially well off, I am in good physique due to being a long term gym rat, it was my vanity that got me in there in the first place to procure more sex in life. My family is there for support but I have yet to tell them. Loved ones are around me. friends are there If i told them. I feel you guys are what I need right now, this is the community I need.
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2018
  2. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    U have come a long way. Don't suicide because no matter what you think life is too precious. The fact you realize you are flawed makes you human. You fall but you can pick yourself back up. If you are dead, you stay down.I suggest you share with a friend or a family member. Unloading some of thr burden would make you feel a lot better.
     
    AnikiT likes this.
  3. TheGhostWhoWalks

    TheGhostWhoWalks Fapstronaut

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    Hey brother,

    As I mentioned in another thread I have worked with a lot of families of suicide victims in the past and it is a dreadfully damaging act to those you leave behind. I know it feels like you are stuck in a struggle all by yourself but I guarantee there are people that care for you and would be devastated by your loss. If you are really thinking about hurting yourself you should call a hotline (1-800-273-8255) and see if they can point you toward some local resources.

    That being said man please don't think that you and your life are irredeemable. We are all here because we have done some crumby shameful things (I certainly have). You are absolutely correct in your assertion that your bio-chemistry is all screwed up right now. Porn activates the same pathways that drugs do and similarly take some time and committed effort to get over. I don't know of anyone that has quit this lifestyle cold turkey without some trial and error. The good thing is that you can keep coming back and keep learning and you get a little bit wiser each time.

    Feel free to shoot me a PM if you want to talk more in-depth.
     
    Deleted Account, over50 and AnikiT like this.
  4. Rockemsockemrobots

    Rockemsockemrobots Fapstronaut

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    You can always make a confession at a church in one of those private booths to. Ive been through a similiar journey as yours with the suicidal thinking and the escorts for a long, long time. Maybe you should visit a buddhist monestary and stay there for a week or so. I did and alot of healing occured like going completely sober, i use to smoke, drink and do drugs. Never give up even when you fall and stack layers upon layers of healthy, good things to work all together. Prayers and holy texts of buddhism can help. May you succeed in nofap. May you find the way beyond suffering.
     
    AnikiT likes this.
  5. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    You are the 3rd (person) I have seen this week that has gone to this Buddhist meditation retreat.
    So strange.
    So very, very strange.
    Are Buddhist mediation retreats that commonly frequented that 3 different people in one week speak about their successes from it on a porn addiction website?
    Am I on earth?
     
  6. AnikiT

    AnikiT Fapstronaut

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    Buddhism teachings is what I have actually dabbled in when I first hit severe depression. I suffered existentialism, I think it had to do with Porn guilt and questioning existence. It is amazing that people on here turn to buddhism, whenever i felt suicidal, I actually put on tibetan singing bowl sounds and close my eyes until the anxiety slowly starts to turn down. I would sit there, scared shitless, feeling like im falling down a bottomless pit and realzing how futile life is, wanting to die. I would just breathe. I don't drink or do drugs, woman and porn had always been my only vice in this life. I think I am going to take your advice on a buddhism retreat. It would at least add a certain amount of what I would call "safe days".
     
    Deleted Account and Tannhauser like this.
  7. Rockemsockemrobots

    Rockemsockemrobots Fapstronaut

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    When you talk about putting on tibetan bowl sounds and so on and forth i would do the exact same thing and ive come to appreciate the bit of help breathing can do. A retreat is good you have people, nature, and buddhist books and monks for guidance, a routine they do everyday, meditation both sitting and walking, alot of free time away from technology. It wont be easy you may have some nightmares and withdrawals but thats part of the healing. You know that the buddha was the ultimate no fapper? He is the master at nofap.
     
  8. Rockemsockemrobots

    Rockemsockemrobots Fapstronaut

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    Its helpful because there are good rules in place, such as no sexual misconduct, there will be noble speech or noble silence, zero intoxication, no killing or stealing. I went to a monestary where it was all the way out into nature far away from the city. Nature walks were always fun for me and walking with someone to. Not having any technology was good to. It wasnt always easy stresses still occured but the simplicity was good.
     
  9. This entire thread sounds like my life minus a few minor points here and there. I am of a similar age give or take a few months and this time I am committed to making a difference regarding these addictions. If someone like me is trying, then someone like you can try too. Let's do this man!
     
  10. AnikiT

    AnikiT Fapstronaut

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    Day 6 today, I can't seem to shake off the depression. Does it ever go away? I slept for 9 hours for the first time and woke up fighting urges. I went to the gym, couldn't train today. I parked the car and sat for a few minutes before going in, all the while trying to avoid people I usually to talk to. My anxiety was kicking up. I did a brief workout and left due to lethargy. I went home, forced down a shake and tried to run errands. Right now Im just sitting here battling the feelings.

    The only upside now is the Holidays are approaching so I don't have to focus on anything work related till after the first week of January. I have some time to deal with this, it's crippling. I need to stay home and rest. Any other advice would be greatly appreciated. When does it subside? what else is there to do to pass the time and feel better?

    Washing and cleaning i've done all of yesterday, its like a meditative state. I may try to go to a sauna room for a good sweat instead. I just need to not have a mental breakdown, not browse escort pages and not think about leaving this world.
     
  11. AnikiT

    AnikiT Fapstronaut

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    Please, I'd like to know more about you background and experience. Let's do this.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. Rockemsockemrobots

    Rockemsockemrobots Fapstronaut

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    Depression isnt forever like you taking a dump on the toilet, and your giving your self credit to where its due and your being aware and you dont give up all of which are brilliant. The sauna is a great idea i do it to everytime i go to the gym i never miss it and then i take a cold shower for a good while. The extreme temperatures are helping to take the focus away from the negativity and creates good feelings released into the body and mind. Tickle your feet, watch a video concert of music artists you like, eat a spicy pepper, if i was there id be tickling the hell out of you no homo
     
  13. GA93JDeereboy

    GA93JDeereboy Fapstronaut

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    Your not alone in it. I have an escort problem as well. Idk how many I've seen but I know you can beat it. I was good for 108 days, very happy. But I messed up that streak but I will stop this.
    My last relapse was I went to a strip club. I didn't see any escorts but I did search aftwrwards. It's a good thing in the US they shut down a few of the sites bc otherwise I may have seen one. Sonce that night I said to myself I need 90 day reboot no pmo. Just got to get myself together then re analyze where I need to be after 90 days so 90 days from Dec. 14th I will see where I need to be but until then no pmo. But regardless, suicide is definitely NOT the answer. You have so much going on for you.
     
    AnikiT likes this.
  14. AnikiT

    AnikiT Fapstronaut

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    One thing I found out that works well, I don't know for how long, but I do realize that the urge does go away if you can bare to withhold and ignore it long enough. In my mind I think to myself, OK, am I able to have romantic love at this point? No, you are still damaged. The only first sign I can take thats healing is, If i am able to feel good about romantic kind of love and able to make love to a woman then i'd consider that the first step. Otherwise, I am not wired for romantic sex. I need dirty, I need P, I need promiscuous woman to get me off. This is why i was unable to hold on to a relationship, that made me so depressed. When it came to love-sex, I was never able to perform. My brain is messed up that way and I want to re-wire form that. Thats the ultimate goal for me.
     
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  15. AnikiT

    AnikiT Fapstronaut

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    Believe me, i've been thinking of ways to feel things. If I wasn't so damn lethargic at the moment. The after effects of the Sauna room helped a bit, I was able to have an appetite after. On my way to day 7 tomorrow. As much as others hate the flatline, I look forward to it, cause then I wouldn't get urges. It'd be easier not to browse or relapse. I want my libido temporarily taken from me for a long period.
     
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  16. GA93JDeereboy

    GA93JDeereboy Fapstronaut

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    I'm at day 7. Going to day 8. You got this.
     

  17. Hey buddy just read this, want you to know you’re not alone on an island here. This is way more common than you might think. In fact this is almost exactly how I started down the road I’m on currently. In my own opinion and experiences I think the escorts partially cured the ED building confidence and being with real people but at the same time wired our brains into something we don’t like today. I know exactly how you feel when you get those urges to check their pages or call them. Just hang in there man there’s way too much to live for dude. Find your outlets and work with them. I know this site is for abstaining from porn but I must say that in a case like this you might be better off to quickly get it out of your system and get on with your day rather than stewing on it and eventually cracking and calling one. Again not condoning porn but not calling escorts is the end game here for you. Good luck to you man and I hope for your health and happiness and that you’re able to find balance and solve your problems.
     
    AnikiT likes this.
  18. AnikiT

    AnikiT Fapstronaut

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    Day 8 today hasn't been easy. Yes I get depressed but it never usually last this long. Can someone confirm that it is in fact just dopamine withdrawal? I had my first sexual dream last night in a long time. Woke up wanting to edge, but I held on. I showered, ate and meditated. The rest of the day was very tiring but I did end up going for a workout. I still have sexual thoughts looking at some of the girls in the gym but obviously it was not P so I wasn't erect or anything. I can deal with the thoughts its fine. After the gym as I left, my brain went into the usual (browse escort and porn pages, see who's available out there, maybe your regular massage attendant is working) Then I walked to the car, had a brief moment of self actualization. The depression and wanting to be cured now is stronger than my lust. Not too much stronger, but a tad stronger, which is enough to keep my streak going. I just want the 'My whole world feels dark and upside down" feeling to subside.

    Godspeed.
     
  19. Not much time for a long reply... but your story is recognizable. Gotta do deep soul searching.. work on all life areas, maybe check some videos of Gabe Dawg, helped me a lot.
    There is light on the end of the tunnel!
     
    AnikiT likes this.
  20. Hey man I never called escorts but in my addiction I definitely came CLOSE and the only thing that stopped me was absolute fear (because of my living situation I have a higher chance of getting noticed, and if I get noticed I can lose my living situation and be homeless) I just want you to know that the pain affects us all. I’ve considered hanging myself a lot this year but ESPECIALLY this past few months... I’m so grateful for my family and being with them right now because if I was alone I don’t know where my mind would be. You’re not alone in this and I hope that you are staying clean.
     

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