My Journal: Daily Musings and Reflections, The Road to Recovery

Good for you! I think that's one thing I noticed as well, is my diminishing in my caring for others. I knew I should, and usually the more I fought the desire the more I cared about others and sought to obey God. Recently I became unemployed and began spiraling really out of control, which made me that I need help from other people. I got on noFap, and here I am doing day 7. I feel a lot better, and see my motivation and drive return.

 

I'm going to offer some advice because I kind of sense you are floundering a bit, hoping you don't take my frankness the wrong way.

Just please, make every relapse count, meaning LEARN something every time and put some new rule or practice into effect to stop the future relapses. It's the only way to start fixing yourself. If not, it will just be constant cycles of shorter streaks, slightly longer streaks, binges, etc. I have done this for the past several years (literally 4 or 5 years) with no real progress. We need to advance constantly. I'm not talking about writing in journals every night about things we need to do or intend to work on. I'm talking real freaking restrictions in place to cut the stuff out. I want to read about how you are taking real steps to put up high barriers, and if you fail (which is okay) what you are doing to improve the barriers.

For me, my goal is to raise the bar at least once a month. At the new year, I stopped MO; this month I am trying to completely cut off any P or P-related stuff; next month I am not sure what I need to do, but will see how I manage this month. Every time that I get used to the new restrictions, I add a more difficult one. I already have less desire to look at nakedness and P, and I don't even get urges to MO anymore. This has been the most substantial 1.5 months of my life in terms of really stopping PMO. I'm on a new platform, and I will never lower my standards from here on.

So, not to criticize too much, but sometimes I feel you are a bit less serious than it will take to beat it for good, or at least from the language in your journal. I enjoyed reading your stories, and I think it's good to write them down and share your experiences, but now it's definitely time to get down to business. Please, post often here when you have troubling moments, not just when you think you have enough thoughts to write a beautifully-written journal entry (I'm guilty of that too).

Good luck brother, and I am here for you, and I would love to help you.

 

lrry,
Your post was nice to read. I think your list of 4 things is pretty good. A few of them are slightly abstract and hard to physically put into practice, but the others sound more concrete. I think concrete rules and practices are worth slightly more than intentions to start thinking differently and so forth, although it needs to happen. I guess the concrete is what causes the eventual change in philosophy, rather than being something you implement at a certain time point.

Personally, I tried changing my whole mindset at once for those several years I mentioned, and while it got me more aware of my problems, it did little to help me actually change my habits. I hated to put restrictions on myself, partly because it's human nature to want freedom, and partly because I didn't want to give those possibilities of pleasure up for good. General changes in mindset seem easier to accomplish, although in reality it cannot happen overnight, or really with anything you can force.

Last November is when I decided to cut the crap and get to work. My wife was leaving for a month and I was going to use it as an opportunity to go hardmode. My primary problem was MO, which is something I have always been able to do without P, making P less of a primary objective.

So, I made an account here when I started my streak, and I made it to around 3 weeks before relapse. I learned from it various things about how my mind leads me closer to the edge over several days, resulting in a relapse. Then I tried again, and relapsed after becoming too confident based on some success at work, which showed me to never let my guard down. Then, my last relapse was at the end of December when I was at my parents house for the holiday (for which there was no real good reason). This last one taught me I'm not 100% safe anywhere, and to keep my guard up.

After 1.5 months of prep time, I was ready to start on January 1 going without MO permanently. It honestly was not that bad because of the preparation and the practice streaks I had achieved. Together with it being psychologically easier to turn a new leaf due to the New Year, the practice beforehand have helped me last until now without MO, and not much edging at all either.

Now, I admit I had a few times where I looked at porn and/or nakedness. It's because I neglected to take that too seriously. January is when I started taking steps to cut that back, mainly through the use of software. It is extremely difficult for me to access dirty material online now. This has made my life so much easier. Since I know it's not available, I don't even crave it much now. Those orange 1s on my counter represent the last couple of times when I either found loopholes or abused my emergency password system, both of which have been amended since then. I now feel quite safe at home, alone, online.

In the future, if I find myself still accessing porn somehow, I am prepared to take additional steps. This can include installing software on my phone, tightening the software on my computer, or if necessary getting rid of my computer altogether. Obviously those will be done sequentially when the need arises.

Bottom line is, those three relapses last fall all worked together to tell me 1-2 areas I was weak in, which I proceeded to strengthen, and have been doing since then. Of course, most of this help comes from God who, even though I sometimes don't talk to directly and forget to ask, provides me with strength anyway to help me through these times. I know you also rely on this, so that is a big help. It has always been available to me, but only since last fall have I really started taking advantage of it.



So anyway, don't feel to bad about the floundering part. Most of us are doing that most of the time, and periods of true gains and progress are pretty rare. I just hope you can experience that and get a taste of true change, which will motivate you to keep going and never sit still. By the way, there is nothing wrong with writing about how great life is from time to time. We like seeing someone succeed and feel happy about it, so don't stop doing it.

 

Another thing I was going to tell you is, you might want to install a counter. It is much easier than updating your signature. Also it's kind of confusing when you mention "Day 25" when it's really Day 1 after the relapse, as most people use as a numbering system. This issue would be solved by showing a counter, and you can put whatever day number you want to in your post.

 

Have you tried meditating/prayer during times of urges? It could help you refocus on why you are quitting. Also maybe try a cold shower as an emergency escape mechanism from urges, as another way to clear your head

 

Where are you bro? Come back and update us on your progress!