Mermaid Journal 3: Full Disclosure and Beyond.

10 months after Dday. A long update:

It's been a while since I made an entry. I was conserving energy after a hit about a month ago. I caught my husband in a lie. He tried to hide the fact that he searched for trailers on Amazon prime for explicit sex and I won't name his searches but I found his search entries... he didn't cover his tracks well enough. This is after he told me "no" after I asked specifically if he actually searched for stuff or just clicked on already existing trailers. So if he lies with such a stupid little lie to hide a "slip" because he "was afraid", then of course he would lie about a full blown relapse because of fear. The night that he slipped was the same night that my daughter and I had a serious talk about what life would look like if I decided to continue to stay married and see my husband.

Let me back up a bit: My daughter was having a hard time because she felt like it was a betrayal for me to see him after what he had done. I totally understand this, but I understand addiction (not completely) but I know it was the escalation of his addiction that brought him to look at her in a sexual way after watching porn about step daughters... ugh so ugly and disgusting!!! Anyway, she was about to "bow" out of my life and live with her biological dad so I could be happy with him, not realizing that it would make me WAY more unhappy for her to do that. We had a good cry and I said absolutely that wouldn't be good and I had told my husband the next day that I needed space. I didn't know how long... but after many tender discussions with my daughter over the next 3 weeks, she said that she was ok with me seeing him because she knew how much I love her and that I wouldn't expect her to have anything to do with him, ever. Well... so that night I was so excited to possibly see a future with my husband... and that same night, he was P-subbing and slipped and LIED to his accountability partners, his counselor and me about the slip.

Now... I'm not so upset about the slip, I knew that was going to happen sooner or later... I was expecting when he slipped he would tell me that same night like he promised to do... but no... I happen to look at his phone and get in the search bar for Amazon prime and there it is...

So after he was caught redhanded maybe he came clean, maybe there's more, maybe he watched more than trailers, I don't know.

Things I do know: I know my husband loves me. He has shown that in many actions, I see it. I know he is sorry. I see him crying. I know he is genuine in his wanting to beat his "demon". I know I love him. I know the kids love him, even my daughter loves him and is routing for him from afar.

Things I don't know: If he is lying to me. I don't know if he tells me the truth about his temptations, urges, oogling, fantasizing, thinking about my daughter sexually. I don't know now, will I ever know? If he desires me or is he faking it, lying about how he thinks I'm "adorable, graceful, delicious, etc." He tries to find words he didn't used to use... before Dday, he used to say "good morning beautiful" every morning like a fucking robot. If we are having sex, is he thinking of others to keep his dick up?
and.... I don't know that he has the courage or strength to beat this.

I was really shocked with all that has happened and how far he has come and how he appeared to understand the damage lying could do, that he would lie about his slip. This was discussed at length. If he slipped, he was to text his accountability partners and me in the same day, me in the evening so it doesn't affect my job as a nurse. This really put me at square one. The difference is that this time I feel I am healing faster, realizing he has a LOOOOONG way to go and realizing that he might not overcome this.

Something else that has happened that is noteworthy- My husband wrote someone to get me help:

Here is his email:
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Name of person that he sent this to,

I am writing on behalf of my wife who is going through betrayal trauma because of my porn addiction. The only way to get a clear picture is to tell our whole story.

We started out as an affair, divorced our spouses and then 2 years later we married in 2014. Mermaid knew that I had a porn addiction when we got married (I didn't know it was an addiction, just that he sometimes would see it) but I hadn't disclosed the full extent of my behavior. She had concerns and fears of blending families together which she expressed to me and I convinced her that it was going to be all okay. I said how God would bless us and heal our families. It was amazing to see our kids interact and get along in this blending of the families. The kid's ages at the time of marriage were my son was 9, my daughter was 12, her daughter was 14 and her son was 17. During this time I was using pornography about once a month for a 2 or 3-day binge. Mermaid would ask if I was using porn and I would lie to her giving her false hope. I was afraid of rejection and loss of the family so I hid my addiction and didn't fully give myself to the family. Then in February of this year, my lies were discovered and DDay happened. At first, Mermaid just thought she knew of one incident but then read an email that I sent to a counselor after DDay saying I had been lying to her the whole time in our marriage. Then her feelings of the marriage being a sham, that she was manipulated and lied to all came flooding over her as she began to feel the free fall off the cliff that I had pushed her.

Then she found out that I had crossed the line she never wanted me to go. She asked me if I had sexual thoughts about her daughter and I said I had. Nothing physical just 4 separate times I had those thoughts. Mermaid then had me move out to protect her daughter from me being in the house. We then sold the home that we were living in and she bought her own house so she and her daughter could heal and recover away from me. She still does activities with all the kids without me because of her daughter.

Since we have separated we have continued to be in each other lives by text, hikes, hanging out and even having sex. She started to build somewhat trust with me but then I ruined that by lying to her about a slip I had and her finding out about it. That happened at the beginning of November. Now she is 90% ready to divorce and is unsure if trust can ever be rebuilt.

I have been in counseling since February, been apart of a porn recovery for men at a church, getting and developing accountability partners, participating with an online accountability group, making amends as my family needs and taking full responsibility for causing the destruction of our family. But this email isn't for me, it's about Mermaid that I'm concerned for and want her to heal and be whole.

Mermaid is a strong woman and can walk through a lot of pain in life. She finds ways to help herself heal and overcome the pain, trauma and her life being torn apart by me. She is currently participating in an online program called Bloom and goes see's a counselor once every month or so. She doesn't like spending money for counseling when it could be used for something fun like a vacation. Bloom has given her an assignment this week to find ways to connect with someone she can trust but she feels that she cannot complete that assignment. Mermaid has tried to connect with co-workers that seemed concerned for her but they have all told her to run like hell from me. She feels there is no one in her life that she can build a connection with because of her story and situation. Mermaid also knows that she could have connections if I wasn't in her life.

So this is why I write to you. Mermaid wants connection but seems not to have it because she still has a slim hope for us and she needs a connection to help her walk through this devastation that I have created. She has had a belief in God in the past but really doubts that He is even there. She doesn't want "church" things like scripture reading and prayer groups. Mermaid finds her greatest source of God being in nature and hikes. Mermaid wants a connection with someone like her that has been through her mess with a success story.

This is about her healing and not us as a couple. There is more healing needed and recovery that needs to happen individually before we even think about us moving forward as a couple. If you can help or know someone who can be a source or connection for her please reach out to her. I am also willing to pay for her counseling if that is needed. Her email is xxxxxxxxx. She lives in xxxxxxx, xx

Thank you for your time.

Husband (Fighting Axeman)


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So it's touching that he sent this to get me help and the woman he emailed has responded in a kind outreaching way.
I'm just still thinking that it's extremely rare to go through this with the step daughter involved. Just seems near impossible to find someone that would be supportive of me being with him after the step daughter piece is mentioned. Everyone seems supportive, really supportive until I say "and he fantazied about my daughter"... then they sit there with shock... and they immediately change their tune. "Run". "you can't". "let him go". Even on NoFap, that's what you all say, except one SO, and she's amazing, but their story isn't over. Good so far, but I'm watching.

There's the update. So it's been about a month since he lied and I don't trust him, yet I can spend time with him, love on him and go out in public with him. Like I said, it hit me like a spiked club to the head when I caught him in the lie, but I got back on my feet faster. I think the difference is that I will not be committing to a life with him any time soon....

Oh and on that subject. I got a lot of pressure from some co-workers that think I need to just get over my husband and sleep with someone else... they even went as far as to have another co-worker that has an open marriage come to a dinner that we were at and they were going to leave me with him so he could "take me home".... He was pressuring me and I was PISSED. I DO NOT want to be objectified and I DO NOT want meaningless sex! I want a committed intimate lover that only desires me as his mate for life. That guy probably is a sex addict also and he was just looking for his next dopamine hit.

 

Thanks Kenzi. ❤️

 

Thanks Trappist.

 

Yes he gets much help.