Alcohol and apparent HOCD

Hey man, I know how you feel. I have done some very similar things (and probably a bit worse) in the not so distant past. It really makes you feel like crap when it goes against your actual sexual preference. The most important thing you can do at this point is to not beat yourself up too bad and realize that HOCD is a real thing and the result of long term use of porn. If you quit using the porn your preferences are going to return to their natural baseline.

 

You are not alone! Having every kind of kink or sexual behavior that exists immediately available for viewing at our fingertips tips has the effect of taking us places we never thought we would go. The fact that we can be aroused by it is very troubling and can cause a lot of shame. But we don't like feel shame, so we act out to numb the feelings, which takes us back to shame so we act out more and at some point find ourselves looking at or doing things that would have appalled us earlier in our lives.

Step 1.
We admitted we were powerless over our addiction–that our lives had become unmanageable.

Being aware that our behavior is troubling or unhelpful or dangerous won't keep us from going back to it.
There is a near zero success rate in the battle of will power vs. addiction.
Admitting we are powerless to change it on our own is where we can start to have hope. And that is a hope that is based on the fact that millions of men and women have found true freedom from their addictions. They haven't done it alone.

Step 2.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

That a Power greater than ourselves could...?
Regardless of what you believe, I guess it's not too much of a stretch to believe that there is one that could. But is there One that would want to? Is there One that would wade into our messy lives and shame and really help us deal with it?
I believe there is. I believe it is Jesus.
I always have, it just took me almost 40 years to believe Step 1.
He can and will restore us to sanity if we can get to the point where we admit that we really have a problem and really can't fix it on our own.
Step 3.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him
The God who created us is very aware of our brokenness and doesn't want us to stay that way. That is based on a love and desire for us that will stop at nothing to rescue us. When we understand that, it can help us to make that decision to fully turn our will and lives over to the only One that really knows how to and wants to help us.
I hope you have a Merry Christmas this year and that you can know you are loved and accepted by that same Jesus we are celebrating.

 

Being attracted to a sexual behavior isn't the same thing as being gay in the whole sense. If you prefer the emotional relationship to be with a woman, then you're prolly not gay. Additionally, sexuality is a spectrum, it's very rare for people to be all one thing. MRI studies, brain scans, and population research all show there are some degrees in almost everyone. Not having ever been in a "gay" experience or seeing the porn will likely make any degree of being gay less apparent, but porn tends to expose people to that. In my case, I'm prolly 10 -20% straight as I have dated women, do enjoy the companionship, and sometimes the sex was satisfying. But was nothing compared to my attraction towards men. I thought I was gay completely, but even after being in a 6byear monogamous relationship with a dude then graduating medical school, I've come to learn the more complicated intricacies of sexuality.

All I'm saying is if there is a gay component about you, it's nothing to be worried about. It is what it is and you'll likely just be with women if it's a super small component.

 

If you think you have OCD it’s important that you don’t look for reassurance. Asking others if you are gay or thinking of reasons why you are not will make your anxiety worse.

If you have obsessive thoughts (gay thoughts) or alcohol becomes a problem you should see a professional

Stay away from Grinder. It is full of Indian scammers and sexual predators.

 

In my experience, a lot of ssa in men comes from insecurity about your masculinity and a lack of true bro type bonding.
For me, working hard at self improvement and becoming the type of man I’m attracted to (successful, fit, etc..) as well as having some relatively open bro type relationships has helped a lot.

I created a kik group for guys who want to encourage and challenge each other in that way. PM me your kik name and I’ll add you if you’re interested.

 

Interesting. I second this.
My SS"A" has changed a lot, from never really thinking about guys (they were just guys, just like me) or noticing them, to notice every single man I walk by and afraid of having eye contact with them. The reason why I wrote "A" is because there has never been anything remotely sexual about the "attraction", I just suddenly started finding more and more guys good looking. First I would notice maybe one guy a year which I found good looking. Years went by, I was losing contact with my friends, I became fat, felt inferior and depressed. Felt like this for a couple of years where I spend most of the time alone or with some of my few good friends. When I started socializing again I would notice that I became intimidated by almost any guy I met, like I couldnt compare to them, even if they looked like crap. I became afraid of talking with them, because I felt like a child among men, even they were my age. The more inferior I felt I started feeling insecure about my masculinity, which never was a problem before. Feeling emasculated was a growing issue, and this made me envious of other men. Even guys I had known for many years suddenly started looking way more manly than I remembered them to be and over the last years this manliness has become something my brain interpets like "attraction", to the extent where I feel "attracted" to almost all men ranging from 18-60. I even panic when I look male family members in the eyes. Never gotten turned on by men ( no erection or even close to it) and have slept with about 20 women (which turns me on easily).

 

Your story also reminds me of why I'm avoiding alcohol as I go about NoFap. I've never had homoerotic thoughts or engaged in gay sex. But many of my porn relapses have happened after I've had a few drinks. The lower inhibitions that alcohol brings on means for me, inevitably, a much greater likelihood of succumbing to the siren song of porn and whacking off.

 

HOCD is very common in PMO addicts, google "nofap hocd" and see all the cases.

If you abstain from any type of sex stimulation (porn/masturbation/sex fantasizing) you will recover.

You need to address alcohol use asap also