Okay i have to put the retention on hold...

Though if you have urges I think it’s better to have sex with your wife than to binge eat, whine, act like victim or whatever you do to suppress it

 

Don’t we all..

 

I’m not sure I agree with that. I started my “NoFap journey” this past summer. My goal here originally was just to quit porn and masturbation. I allowed myself to O with my wife every time. We have a pretty healthy sex life so it was quite often. At first everything was going so well, but I noticed after awhile that my O with her eventually lead me to a relapse because the so called chaser effect I guess. I also noticed that my sexual performance was getting worse at times, I would O too soon. Sometimes I was even in a mindset of wanting to have sex with my wife just so I could O. Like I was using her as porn. I realized then that I wasn’t just addicted to porn or masturbation, but orgasm itself. I realized that even before NoFap I’ve had times where I want to have sex just to O. As many people have talked about before on this site, I realized I needed to reprogram my brain. So I reset my counter and this time decided to go full no PMO mode, including with my wife. This hasn’t not been easy however. No I’m struggling with learning how to enjoy sex without orgasm and I usually have blue balls after. That dull ache can be really annoying and sometimes are worse than others.

TL;DR I think some people need to abstain from orgasm with their wife because they are addicted to orgasm itself. It doesn’t mean stop having sex or pleasing your wife, but do it without O.

 

As an add-on to my last post, I’m still not sure if this is the right way to go (no O with my wife) and I’m open to discussion or advice about it. Like I said it’s been a new struggle in and of itself. If anyone has experience with retention while having an active sex life, please share it, especially if you have figured out ways to make it easier. I think it’s worth it if it’s what I have to do to reset my brain and cure my addiction, but sometimes I ask myself if it’s even natural or how other people (like those who practice tantric sex) can do this.

 

It's called Karezza or coitus reservatus. It will provide numerous benefits practicing sex with your spouse with out orgasm. Your absorbing femenine hormones and not getting the come down of orgasm. It's not easy, it forces you to face your lust and learn about yourself. But you are right essentially everyone is addicted to orgasm. Porn, Masterbation, weird fetishes are all just off shoots to an orgasm addiction. Different ways to get a better orgasm. It's that high we get from orgasm that keeps us coming back, regardless of what we do to get it. You could study traditional tantra to get more knowledge. Most of it is degraded now to wild sex positions though. There is also three types of tantra, white, black, and grey. Black tantra is practicing with orgasm and is most of what modern tantra is. Grey is practicing tantra and not really being concerned with having or not having orgasm, it leads to black eventually. White is pure tantra with a spouse without orgasm. Learning to love your spouse through the sex act, not just to people anticipating their orgasm. White tantra teaches that you practice it once a day at most.

 

Any tips on how to start understanding this process? Or recommended reading?

 

Research it and you can find what makes sense to you. Like I said just steer clear of the stuff about crazy sex positions and talking about all the pleasures you can get from it. Keep in mind tantra doesn't mean sex, it's Sanskrit for continuous energy, which is what your attempting to work with when practicing coitus reservatus. Your working with your sexual energy without releasing it. Meditation helps.