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Relapse after long reboot - My experience.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by ds112358, Feb 4, 2015.

  1. ds112358

    ds112358 Fapstronaut

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    This is a copy/paste from my latest journal entry. I am making a second post in this section because I think it will be helpful to readers here:

    Never let your guard down. Never lose your strength. Never lose belief. Never let negativity take over you. These are the things I learnt today. The number of days of the reboot is just a number. We don't know what is going on in our brains, and we must rely on our own strength to move forward.

    Yesterday, I made a tremendous error in judgement. It all started with a toothache, which was giving me hell. I couldn't see a dentist immediately and the pain got to me. My mind needed some sort of positivity, and for an addict like me, where else would it turn to? That terrible voice in my head spoke after months of silence, "You've been so good for such a long time. Maybe you've recovered. Maybe a small session won't hurt. Most important of all, it will feel good." It was an easy reward that my brain has been trained to seek out for years. 3 months of recovery won't eliminate those pathways completely. So I started with a small amount of erotica, and it escalated quickly. Down the hill, it led to mini porn binge.

    Like I said, it is of supreme importance not to let your guard down. However, the experience had a few positives. After a initial rush, porn wasn't exciting any more. Orgasms felt so much better than they used to. And most importantly, I stopped relatively quickly. Back in the old days, I would have gone for days, or even weeks, on a binge. Not now, I've put the incident aside, and I will look at it as one slip. I haven't fallen all the way down yet, and I can choose to stay that way and move upwards. 112 days of hard work, that won't go away with one binge. I walked away from it, worked out for an hour, took a shower and meditated for 20 minutes. That seems to have helped me get back on track a little.

    I know this will affect me. I know how big of a mistake I have made. But unfortunately, I can't go back and change the past. I have no control of it any more, but I do have control of the future. I will get back on the horse, and I promise to come back stronger than ever.
     
  2. christiangay

    christiangay Fapstronaut

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    Great!
    It is very important to not allow our brain to tell us: "You failed! You can do it once more, it won't make a change".

    Be strong!
     
  3. orson

    orson Fapstronaut

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    Aweome job, ds112358, such a positive attitude and an inspiration. I appreciate your comment and I love how you're willing to take strength from a set-back, recognize your strengths and move forward. Awesome work!
     
  4. Reece83

    Reece83 Fapstronaut

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    I don't understand why guys do this. After a long reboot they go right back to looking at porn and even worse, masturbating to porn. It almost seems as if they were counting down the days to when they can finally go back to PORN.

    Complete your goal, spend a couple of days surfing porn, fall back into your PMO habits for a few days and start your reboot all over again...what's the logic in that? Do you really want to make this a life long battle. I can't wait until I no longer have to visit this site...forever.
     
  5. Triangle

    Triangle Fapstronaut

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    Great stuff man. I can only dream about 112 !
    You are right - you havent fallen all the way back down. You were halfway up the mountain but just fell back a few metres. The most important thing is to keep your head up and look forward and slowly start to climb again.
    Dont let the slip affect your spirit and trick you into falling further.
     
  6. ds112358,

    Thanks for the raw honesty. There's a lot of insight there into how our brains work. We often barter for something we want, rationalizing our behavior and falling for a lie. Such success in this struggle- 112 days. What's the drive behind this struggle? The vision for the new man you're becoming?

    I commend you for not falling into despair, not dwelling in self-doubt and losing hope. Thanks for the post.

    Onward!
     
  7. Diesel74

    Diesel74 Fapstronaut

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    Quitting MO takes years, no matter how strong, or how much determination. Quitting PMO means rebuilding your entire life and this takes a long, long time.

    Ds11235, keep us posted on the effects and intensity of the chaser...your doing great man!
     
  8. mijereah

    mijereah Fapstronaut

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    I agree with you Reece, I think you have the right mindset. I too can't wait for the day when I will completely forget about this site and my stupid habits. I saw one guy on here who look as if he was PMO free for over 1,000 days!!! I can't remember his name but I saw him post a while back..I was like "dude, what are you doing on here!" lol
     
  9. I saw a post awhile back by a guy with over 5000 days PMO free. That's way back before Nofap started. He didn't even use Nofap to quit... Why was he here?

    I think it might have something to do with an identity shift that's often encouraged in addiction recovery. In AA, you're always introducing your self by saying "Hi, I'm _______, and I'm an alcoholic. Even if they've been "clean" for twenty years. The implication: you're an alcoholic, forever. No matter how long you've stayed away from the stuff.

    Saying "I'm a porn addict" for the rest of my life isn't appealing; however, could there be something to this admission of vulnerability?
     
  10. Diesel74

    Diesel74 Fapstronaut

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    OMG! Someone call Guiness!
     
  11. Oldham

    Oldham Fapstronaut

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    thanks for this post
     
  12. M123

    M123 Fapstronaut

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    ne fear bro 112 day is very good job and you could do it again
     
  13. ds112358

    ds112358 Fapstronaut

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    First of all, thank you guys for your support and understanding. It means a lot to me and I appreciate it.

    Now, I'm going to rant against the naysayers here. Do you guys honestly believe that I want to be a person who can't control his thoughts, who can't have a life without porn, or a person who has no social life? If you honestly believe that, I have nothing to say to you. I'm a guy trying to improve his life, trying to be the man I want to be, and I'm trying hard. As it happens, I slipped, and I know it was my fault. As for the twelve orgasms a day thing, I know I have a problem. I chose to be honest about. I thought that people here would be a bit more empathetic. Do you think I felt good after it? Not in the least. I have accomplished so much during the last few months and people like you aren't going to take that away from me. I am proud of my achievements and I accept my failures.

    Once again, thank you all for the positive comments.

    DS.
     
  14. Diesel74

    Diesel74 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry man, that was a cheap shot, one thing about Nofap, is that it has made me much more of a A-hole than used to be.

    And... at 112 days you may have a problem, but you also have the solution. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, toughen up at fight through this chaser effect...all it takes is 72 hours and your on top of it again.
     
  15. 112 days.

    Sometimes we're too focused on the numbers.

    A lot changes in your brain, and your body, in 112 days.

    The tick marks... they're showing distance between moments of weakness. Now 112 days, next 240? next 1000?

    It's not about how many days you can go. It's about the kind of man you become: characterized by self-control, and discipline, and passion, and courage, and peace. It all starts with this simple idea of fighting PMO. Where does it end?

    I commend you, brother.
     
  16. Cool_Kid

    Cool_Kid Fapstronaut

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    Wow 112 days, that's great work.
    It's ok that you relapsed, just never quit.
    Get back up and try again, that's how winning is done...
     
  17. PeetaMellark

    PeetaMellark Fapstronaut

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    Hang in there...
    Don't let the chaser effect take you down.
    112 days is amazing!!
    I'm curious though, were you MO free as well or were you hard mode?
    I'm looking forward to staying PMO free forever as well, but MO free? I think that's going to take extra human strength...
    I'm currently almost 60 days free of both, and I'm going to go MO as long as I can, but I don't EVER want to go back to PMO... Ever...

    Stay stong...
     
  18. Schia

    Schia Fapstronaut

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    When you relapse, you really do binge. But that's understandable. you've broken your run and you're doing something that you feel will take away the pain of it until the point you realise that it is actually completely counter-intuitive. Maybe there are other ways that you could deal with the negativity of ending a run, but as that's been your way of handling such situations for so long (I know that feeling!) it seems like the right thing to do.

    But look at the positives. That 112 day run is terrific. You've done it once, with a longer run every time. What is to say that you're not going to do that again? Or, like previous attempts, go for multiple times longer?
     
  19. cenaclelove

    cenaclelove Fapstronaut

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    I like this post so much. A single fall doesn't need to make us weak. Your post showed the elasticity of your mind is helping your strength return! Keep going!
     
  20. Blueskies

    Blueskies Fapstronaut

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    The failure isn't in the fall, it is if you stay down. Be a little stronger and a little better today. You got this!
     

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