Dispair

Hi, I'm from Portugal.

I am a Christian, and I feel ashamed and impure. I don't pray anymore, and I barely go to church. I feel like Adam, when he was trying to hide from God behind the bushes when he first sined in the Garden of Eden.

I feel depressed all the time, I'm not productive at work, I'm not able to mantain a stable relationship.

I'm feeling desperate and deeply sad right now.

Even if this doesn't work, thank you for the inspiration.

 

Hey, MusicMan123!

Can you please pray for me?

 

Thank you for your support.

I was feeling very emotional when I made that first post; I'm more calm right now.

I've been following this site for about two months, so I decided to give it a shot. I'm not a "New Year's resolution" guy, but I guess you can call it like that.

When I was a 13 or 14, I had my first contact with porn. By that time there was no Internet, you would have to rent or buy a video cassette to view a film at home. So, a colleague of mine invited me to his place with a bunch of other kids, his parents weren't home and we all watched a porn film. It hit me like a rock. But, since it wasn't easy to get, I eventually snap out of it and went on with my regular student, straight A, life. Anyway, it was a memory I did never forget.

I became a Christian at the age of fifteen, and for a long time, everything went well. God was everything to me, and I did very well academically.

When I went to college, as the Internet became increasingly available, as well as easy access to porn, I started watching porn on a regular basis.
I remember when I subscribed my very first Internet service, the first thing I thought was to search for porn. Back then, I wasn't able to connect the dots, but I believe it deeply decrease my will of engaging the opposite sex as on trying to have a real girlfriend.

When I finished college, I went to work in an IT consulting job, and I started to have problems. I started to feel awkward around other people, increasingly isolated, and eventually, I lost that job.

I'm now a secondary school teacher, and I'm even afraid to face my students with an irrational fear that the find out. I feel like the ultimate hypocrite. It's my job to teach them to stay away from dangerous online activities, and here I am watching porn!

I become to a state where I can't take it anymore. I just have to get it off of my life. Every time I watch porn, I feel ashamed and depressed. I want out!