Addictive brain

Hi everyone,

Haven't posted here in a while, but I have been following the topics in NoFap for a long time. I guess it is the right time to start posting again as I have never been able to keep a PMO free streak longer than 3-4 weeks (my longest streak was about a month long during the summer).

Here is my long story short: I have been struggling with addictions all my life. I am alcohol sober for 8+ years now thanks to AA and the 12-step program. I quit smoking/nicotine almost 6 years ago, haven’t engaged into active gambling for several years, quit escorts/strippers some 7-8 years ago.

Still, I have this addictive type of brain that it I just cannot go free of all addictions altogether. Sometimes it seems to me that I am just switching between different addictions and my brain always finds its way to get the chemicals it strives for. In fact my 1-month PMO free period coincided with me getting hooked up at a phone game, where I played until late at night, so I had no real time and focus for anything else.

I have never been able to do/use things moderately. Or if I manage to deal with something addictive, then I switch to something new – work, sex (even though now I do it only with my gf), fishing, watching movies, compulsive eating, computer games, etc. It feels like one of these games where rabbits come out of holes and the moment you hit one on the head, three other pop out from different holes.

I am not really feeling desperate (at least not most of the time), my life has improved a lot over the last years, I have a lot of experience with all types of withdrawal symptoms, depressive periods and getting over things. I communicate a lot with recovering addicts and attend recovery meetings which helps a lot. Still, I am not really sure what to do next. Should I just accept that I will be addicted to something all of my life. It is easier said than done though, because I really want to get rid of porn/masturbation, but I feel I am going crazy after a few days, so I cannot really go a long time without it. Well, sometimes I manage not to look at porn for months, but masturbate and have sex during this period, and eventually I always come back to porn too.

I know that fighting addictions is about changing yourself. For years all my efforts failed, because I was only trying to change the circumstances (new job, new gf, new city, new looks), but not really trying to be a better and more conscious person. I have made some progress with this, but still I fall back into these old traps of PMO, which is rather discouraging at times.

Thanks for being here, some of your posts are really helpful and inspirational.
Good luck with your recoveries!

N.L.

 

It's a great read. I remember reading it and even sharing it in my journal while I was updating it regularly. Still, it was nice to read it again, lots of great ideas in this article, thanks for bringing it up.

I have achieved some progress in terms of addiction recovery (rather than just abstaining), but often times I seem to get off track. I agree with pretty much everything in the article, but many of these ideas are easy to grasp and understand, but very difficult to be consistent at.

I want to bring up another tricky addiction that I have found hard to control – the addiction of setting and achieving higher and higher goals – in my professional career, in personal life, in dealing with addictions, etc. It is easy for me to get enthusiastic about positive stuff, but once I achieve a goal, I need to set a new one, and often times I take things for granted, instead of being thankful for the progress I have made.

Also, daily life is OK, but there is a lot of routine to it. On one side this is good, because you get used to the routine and the consistency. On the other side sometimes I feel a bit worn out by all this. Sometimes I wish I still had these naive beliefs that if I get married, have children, earn a given amount of money, or live in another country, I will feel much better and happier. Now that I know that all these stuff (though nice and important) cannot be the goal of life themselves, I often times don’t have motivation to go on with what I am doing. Still, I hope it is just a period, no real reason to panic or fall back into serious chemical or behavioral addictions that I have already been through.

Setting up a PMO Spreadsheet seems a great idea to me, I am going to give it a try.

Good luck everyone.

Thanks for being here!