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My story regarding pmo, advice?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Chamillion, Feb 10, 2015.

  1. Feb 10, 2015 #1
    Chamillion

    Chamillion New Fapstronaut

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    Hey y'all,

    I just wanted to share my story, since i'm feeling down right now and maybe some comments might help me.

    I'm on a 24 day nofap streak right now. The godlike feelings from the first week are gone. I feel extremely aggresive, and the cravings for pmo are ridiculous. I also fell in a depression again since sunday. i'm feeling hopeless right now, as in i lack the energy to move out of this rut that im in

    My story begins familiar to most of the posters here, started watching porn at 10, maybe 11. I remember looking up alot of porn in my early teens and being completely oblivious about its effects. around age 16 maybe 17 i started getting heavily into sissification porn, hypno vids and such. I would buy panties and then purge them all and feeling horrible about myself and questioning my sexuality constantly. I was tired of being a virgin so i got together with a really good looking girl and we dated for 3 months. I was extremely needy and i cringe when i think back to those times. I could not get an erection when i was with her, infact i didnt even dare to take my penis out because it was flaccid (and im a grower, i know it shouldnt matter but it were just stupid insecurity issues)

    she eventually broke up with me and i was torn. I was too immature to understand what was going on. after that moment i took nofap serious and had over a 3 months streak. I then relapsed when i entered college. I went straight to the sissy porn and would watch it like a junkie. I met an awesome girl who i fell in love with. after some time we had sex. she gave me a blowjob and that made me somewhat erect. When i had vaginal sex it didnt feel that good to me and i got flaccid. i told her this was my first time and she didnt get that upset. She seemed still in love with me, but after that i didnt see her because i got a nasty flu. She then suddenly starts ignoring me, and gets back with her ex out of the blue. i fell into a dark depression and it reinforced an insane amount of insecurity. This was november 2013.

    The depression got so bad that i dropped out of school. It was this time that i decided enough was enough. I started taking nofap serious again with around 2 serious relapses the whole summer. Thing was, i didnt have work. So my whole day was spent to self improvement i guess. I went to the gym 5 days a week on average, and meditated and read books. This summer i laid a foundation for myself, both mentally and physically. I became an alpha figure in my friendgroup. not only am in 6'3 tall and buffed up, i also have a personality which has dominant mannerism (i hate writing this about myself, but its the truth). I figured doing all this would make me happy and the best manliest version of myself. In retrospect, it made me lonely and isolated (friends dont like to see you grow)

    so now i have a good looking body, but i still feel like a non sexual human being. its like i cant face the emberrasement of not getting it up again, and this thought is crippling my entire conversations with girls. i can easily get them to like me as im not awkward, but when it gets sexual i get extremely nervous and it just doesnt feel right at all. Can anyone relate and will it get better? any advice?
     
    Chamillion, Feb 10, 2015
    Chamillion, Feb 10, 2015
    #1
  2. Feb 10, 2015 #2
    ght5

    ght5 Fapstronaut

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    I know this probably won't be popular here, but from my point of view, you should consider no sex before marriage. This will give you time to reboot, and then when you have a relationship with a woman that you want to marry, you won't be as nervous and she will be patient with any problems getting it up.
     
    ght5, Feb 10, 2015
    ght5, Feb 10, 2015
    #2
  3. Feb 10, 2015 #3
    Chris1052

    Chris1052 Fapstronaut

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    I'm kinda on ght5's side here, if you wait until marriage that will help ensure that the relationship is not based on sex, and you will know that she is not with you for the sex. Also it is important to be 100% honest about this with your future partner, I think that will really help make things less awkward and she can work with you and help you overcome this
     
    Chris1052, Feb 10, 2015
    Chris1052, Feb 10, 2015
    #3
  4. Feb 11, 2015 #4
    Immor

    Immor Fapstronaut

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    It can make people uncomfortable to see people do something they fail to do themselves. But good friends should be above that.

    You are nervous about it because you lack the experience. That is not going to change too much, until you get it.
    Try telling girls about your problem at some point. That will take pressure off of you to perform and also she does not have to feel bad if it doesn't work. It also sets the stage for trying alternatives.
     
    Immor, Feb 11, 2015
    Immor, Feb 11, 2015
    #4
  5. Feb 11, 2015 #5
    FlyingArmBar

    FlyingArmBar New Fapstronaut

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    I can tell you right now, as someone who has been that friend, THAT is not a real friend. A real friend will still be your friend if they see you change, and in fact will probably be convicted. A real friend may REACT that way, but they would hopefully see how they are wrong and that they should be happy for you.

    Finding people that are supportive will definitely make a difference. Whether that's people on here or otherwise. Though it can be tough to find such people, I think this is the right place to have come to for such a friend
     
    FlyingArmBar, Feb 11, 2015
    FlyingArmBar, Feb 11, 2015
    #5
  6. Jun 18, 2015 #6
    Prakash Newton

    Prakash Newton Guest

    I can relate to you buddy. I also watched sissy hypno mp3 and sissy stories recently. i watched some transgendered person videos too. I believe that the pmo is the one that made me addicted to it. PMO makes us do weird stuffs. First the trigger then craving then compulstion then action (lots of dopomine and anxiety, dopomine tells us everything is ok and anxiety keeps us week to resist) then the reward by cumming. This is how we are became addicted to weird stuffs. Once we are 0 percent interested or disguist about something but after this cycle again and again we begin to rewire our brain to crave for the things. I still have some twisted pictures, cravings and thoughs in my mind. I am healing. I happy that it didnt affected me like you. When i read about sissy stories i always imagine i am the one who is in charge and making them doing stuffs. When i watch I wanted do them and i dont like the other way around. Only when I am hearing hypno erotic files I will feel like women. well i actually dont feel like women i like being this horny slut. I never really liked dressing up in normal women cloths or in the hypno i am converted to women. I liked when i was a transgendered person in the hypno and dominated and humiliated by the women. I was drugged by the dopomine and addicted to it because its the most disguisting thing in my brain so it gave me more dopomine. I never enjoyed it, I can clearly feel my brain is in pool of dopomine when i do that stuffs.

    It twists your brain my friend. you will resent the reality and fantasy will screw you.

    You better find closure and move forward buddy.
     
    Prakash Newton, Jun 18, 2015
    Prakash Newton, Jun 18, 2015
    #6

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